Friday, September 30, 2005

26 'Elul 5765/29 September 2005: “'Oy Vey' Traffic Sign Goes Up in Brooklyn”

Greetings.

Various desktop-cluttering news:Finally, today’s weird thing is “'Oy Vey' Traffic Sign Goes Up in Brooklyn”. Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and may you be written and sealed in the book of life for a good year.

Aaron

Thursday, September 29, 2005

25 'Elul 5765/29 September 2005

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing is “Intelligent MIDI Sequencing with Hamster Control”. (Go figure.) Enjoy, and may you be written and sealed in the book of life for a new year.

Aaron

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Not dead yet, part 2

Greetings.

My mother has sent me E-mail saying that the Red Cross called asking me to donate blood, supplies being low due to the storms. Apparently it takes a while for donation information to propagate through their collective database. Go figure.

Aaron

Not dead yet

Greetings.

Status update: I gave blood and got back a few minutes ago. As far as I can tell, I am not dead yet, and nothing has gone particularly wrong. Also, you can find stuff on astrology and blood-letting in the Babylonian Talmudh at Shabbath 129b. Enjoy.

Aaron

24 'Elul 5765/28 September 2005: Feed the Vampires Day

Greetings.

Rupert and the gang have asked me to try to influence the content of the advertising so it isn’t so stupid and boring. Here goes their suggestion: Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. Hippo. I doubt that Google AdSense has ads for anything particularly hippopotamus-related, but I figure it’s worth a try.

Current mood: Feeling like falling over due to disturbed sleep due to penitential prayers being scheduled at weird hours, and unhappy with being somewhat damp from the stormy and wet weather outside combined with inappropriate air-conditioning. And I'm scheduled to give blood in about half an hour. Allegedly a Wednesday which is the 24 of the month is bad for letting blood. (Reference to be posted later when I’m up to looking it up.) Assuming this is correct and I somehow drop dead, I authorize my brother David to break into my computer so that my data can be distributed appropriately for the good of the family, the Jewish people, and humankind in general. My passwords are stored in a place General Steele would find appropriate.

Today’s weird thing is the dbacl project homepage, which is dedicated to the question of whether a Bayesian spam filter can play chess. (I cannot make stuff like this up.) Enjoy.

Aaron

Monday, September 26, 2005

22 'Elul 5765/26 September 2005: European Day of Languages

Greetings.

Today is the European Day of Languages, and if there is any language people like to make fun it, it’s English. Therefore, today’s weird thing is a little something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.

Aaron



REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

16 'Elul 5765/20 September 2005

Greetings.

Political griping: “Panel calls for improved voting lists, ID requirements”, but considering how badly the last election was handled, this should not be a surprise to anyone.

Today’s weird thing is “One Small Step For Hand”, which is about a novel use for an RFID tag. Enjoy, and may you be written and sealed in the book of life for a good year..

Aaron

Monday, September 19, 2005

15 'Elul 5765/19 September 2005: International Talk Like a Pirate Day


Greetin’s.

Latest cartoon whose punch-line I provided: “missing duckie”.

Today be Talk Like A Pirate Day. In celebration o’ this event, today’s weird thin’ be t’ classic weird pirate opera “The Pirates of Penzance”. Read it or walk the plank! Enjoy, and may you be written and sealed in t’ book o’ life for a good year.

Cap’n Aaron

(Icon borrowed from NEXTSTEP.)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

14 'Elul 5765/18 September 2005: Unblokt

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing is unblokt, a bizarre experiment in creative writing in which one is given a sentence and has to fill in something that goes between them. They’re hoping to write a novel this way. I’m responsible for putting in stuff about gray aliens. Enjoy.

Aaron

Friday, September 16, 2005

12 'Elul 5765/16 September 2005: Stepfamily Day

Greetings.

Relevant to today: About Stepfamily Day.

Today’s weird thing is “Cave Thinkers - How evolutionary psychology gets evolution wrong”, which was suggested by Barry. Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and may you be written and sealed in the book of life for a good year.

Aaron

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

10 'Elul 5765/14 September 2005: Various uses for Coca-Cola

Greetings.

Worthy cause of the day: The MoveOn.org “We Need a Katrina Commission” petition.

Political griping of the day: “An orgy of looting and arson”, “Blinded by ideology”, and “Editorial: Hold Palestinians accountable”.

Today’s weird thing is some useful information on Coca-Cola from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.

Aaron



To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF!

(FYI... the active ingredient in coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8 it will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!)

Drink up!

Monday, September 12, 2005

8 'Elul 5765/12 September 2005: UglyRipe tomatoes and the B612 Project

Greetings.

Update on previously mentioned stuff: Yesterday I steamed and ate an UglyRipe tomato along with salmon and mixed vegetables. It was delicious.

Today’s weird thing is The B612 Project, the ambitious goal of which is to “Significantly alter the orbit of an asteroid in a controlled manner by 2015.” The point of this is practice for the inevitable need of deflecting objects likely to hit Earth. Enjoy, and may you be written and sealed for a good year in the book of life.

Aaron

Sunday, September 11, 2005

7 'Elul 5765/11 September 2005: Patriot Day

Greetings.

Minor personal achievement: My punchline was chosen for the cartoon “gym exercise”.

Interesting result of the gasoline price fiasco: “U.S. gas prices fuel "drive offs" by angry drivers”.

Today’s weird thing is “How I failed the Turing test”. Enjoy.

Aaron

Friday, September 9, 2005

5 'Elul 5765/9 September 2005

Greetings.

Political griping (by people other than me): .“Lawmakers Propose Changes at FEMA”.

Freebee: Arutz 7's Sheva Ways to Win Raffle

Today’s weird thing is the rather scary article “Security no match for theater lovers”. Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and may you be written in sealed in the book of life for a good year.

Aaron

Thursday, September 8, 2005

4 'Elul 5765/8 September 2005: International Literacy Day

Greetings.

Worthy cause of the day: Another MoveOn.org petition: Don't Blame the Victims, Get to Work.

Political griping:Today’s weird thing is Game Cock Boxing, which is an interesting attempt to make a really stupid and needlessly brutal sport more humane. Enjoy.

Aaron

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

3 'Elul 5765/7 September 2005: “Koran-Quoting Trojan Blocks Access To Porn Sites”

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing is something so bizarre it was inevitable I would deem it weird thing of the day: the article “Koran-Quoting Trojan Blocks Access To Porn Sites”. (I cannot make something like this up!) Enjoy.

Aaron

Monday, September 5, 2005

1 'Elul 5765/5 September 2005: Ro'sh Hodhesh Elul/Jewish New Year for Animal Tithes/Labor Day

Greetings, and happy new year.

Political forecast: Due to the recent death of Judge Renquhist, expect heavy partisan bickering for the next few weeks with a sizable chance of filibusters. No doubt George W. Bush’s failure to prepare in advance for Hurricane Katrina and his slow response afterwards will be brought up, and his popularity ratings will continue to fall.

Yesterday I watched some episodes of Mork and Mindy, among them “Mork Runs Away”. In this episode, according to Exidor of the Friends of Venus, the Venusians will come on Labor Day to blow up the Earth. However, they are allegedly sending a spaceship to take 1,000 humans to Venus where they will have condominiums with hot-and-cold-running champagne and underwater dancing. Unfortunately, I did not find a transcript of this utter silliness on-line, so today’s weird thing will be a little something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.

Aaron



SEEMS OBVIOUS !!!!


"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the synagogue/church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the synagogue/church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"


A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Sunday, September 4, 2005

Friday, September 2, 2005

28 'Av 5765/2 September 2005: National Beheading Day

Greetings.

This will be long, so please bear with me.

Worthy cause of the day: Donate to help the victims of Hurricane Katrina. If your local synagogue or other house of worship is not collecting funds, there are a number of places on-line that are, many of which are listed at Network for Good :: Hurricane Relief Efforts and Preparedness. Also, HurricaneHousing.org allows you to donate free housing to those who need it.

Political gripe: “Palestinians angered by Israel-Pakistan talks” displays an attitude among the Stateless Arabs so repulsive and antithetical to the least possibility of peace-making that it makes me wonder why the entire planet has not deliberately marooned these people on an uninhabited island and left them to fend for themselves so that no one else would ever have to deal with them again.

Political activism: My brother Barry, in a fit of annoyance, decided to E-mail our de-facto president about how displeased he was and CCed the entire senate as well. Here are the E-mails he used:

senator@akaka.senate.gov, senator@allard.senate.gov, senator@bayh.senate.gov, senator@biden.senate.gov, senator_bingaman@bingaman.senate.gov, senator@boxer.senate.gov, senator@cantwell.senate.gov, senator@clinton.senate.gov, senator@cochran.senate.gov, senator@conrad.senate.gov, senator@demint.senate.gov, senator@dorgan.senate.gov, russell_feingold@feingold.senate.gov, senator@inouye.senate.gov, senator@johnson.senate.gov, senator@landrieu.senate.gov, senator_leahy@leahy.senate.gov, senator@levin.senate.gov, senatorlott@lott.senate.gov, senator_lugar@lugar.senate.gov, senator@mccain.senate.gov, senator@bennelson.senate.gov, senator@pryor.senate.gov, senator@rockefeller.senate.gov, senator@sarbanes.senate.gov, senator@schumer.senate.gov, senator@shelby.senate.gov, senator@stabenow.senate.gov, senator@warner.senate.gov

Ones other than these apparently bounced. He also notes that the de-facto president can be reached at president@whitehouse.gov or comments@whitehouse.gov,
and the de-facto vice president can be
reached at vice.president@whitehouse.gov.

Go forth and send your complaints to these people. If they do not pay attention to what people say, they have no business being in office.

Finally, today’s weird thing is “It's a miracle: mice regrow hearts”. (I cannot make something like this up!) Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.

Aaron

Thursday, September 1, 2005

27 'Av 5765/1 September 2005: "Little Alex"

Greetings.

Political griping: See Backspin. They have been having a number of notable articles lately.

Political absurdity: “Be careful what you say about kimchi in Pyongyang”. (As I am so fond of saying, I cannot make something like this up. Welcome to Nineteen Eighty-Four.)

Today’s weird thing is a cute story from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.

Aaron



Little Alex

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed that little Alex was starring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The little seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor Jamison, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, Son, it's a Memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked.. "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"