Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A message from the Cybertonian embassy-at-large

Jewish date:  3 Tammuz 5771 (Parashath Balaq).

Today’s event:  Work-a-Holic Day.


Today’s weird thing is the most recent statement released by the Cybertonian embassy-at-large, included below.  It was provided to me by an insistent mechanical bird.  Enjoy and share the weirdness.


From:  Megatron, Ambassador-at-large, Republic of Cybertron

To:  The United Nations of Earth

Re:  Cessation of Major Ground Operations

Dear idiots at the UN:

We are done.  Obviously not completely done, but we've finished the important stuff.  Our two major ground operations are finished and over with, no thanks to any of you worthless losers.

One, we have the Autobots.  As you well know now from your stupid little chatter boxes, the 33rd Battalion of the Cybertonian Army under the command of General Cyclonus entered the territory of the United States of America for the sole purpose of capturing the Autobot population of the Groom Lake military base.  Before landing, we sprayed the area with an anesthetic gas to knock out the humans, taking them out of the equation.  Most of the Autobots instantly surrendered (like anyone would want to go up against our shock troops with plasma-bolt rifles) and the rest made trouble.  The only Autobot fatality was Powerglide, who attempted to use deadly force and was shot down in midair.  The rest we subdued alive, much better than they deserved.  Optimus Prime was especially shameful, attempting to use humans as shields to try to get away.  Those worthless traitors are all locked up now in the brig of the Cybertonian embassy-at-large and they're staying put.

Did I really want to do that?  Simple answer:  NO!  Everyone is sick of this nightmare.  You don't want us on your planet, we don't want to be on your planet, but no one does the obvious so we can leave your planet.  You have to make a giant fuss, and we get blamed for everything, and no one takes any responsibility for anything, you giant bunch of losers who can't even govern yourselves.  It's amazing you haven't nuked each other.  Why do you think President Shockwave authorized us to go ahead and end this nonsense?

And that leads us to the other issue:  Cobra, the bunch of dingleberries who attacked us.  In case you haven't noticed, we have effectively destroyed Cobra, big nasty terrorist organization our to rule the planet.  Nobody liked Cobra and no one was sorry to see it go.  Cobra Island has been conquered and its religious sites razed, and anyone willing to continue the conflict is put in jail.  We have raided Serpentorean strongholds in Somalia, Sudan, and elsewhere and enforced the same terms.  Wherever we have gone, we have suppressed any version of this cult whose adherents won't live in peace with people they don't agree with.  All we did was the only reasonable thing to do, not that it would ever occur to you pinheads.  The threat of Cobra is gone, now and forever, no thanks to any of you.

What I especially dislike is how you just dumped this problem on us.  Who would want to get involved in your pointless little conflicts?  They are always all really stupid and show how incompetent you are at governing yourselves, always letting the least fit be in charge.  When Cobra attacked us, we begged you to do something about them.  Did you?  No.  We deserved it, you told us, so stand there and take your lumps like a good little stooge.  We did what any rational person would do, to fight back against our enemies, and in turn you condemned us, calling us tyrants and monsters.  Really?  If Mexico or Canada attacked the United States, would anyone wonder if the United States fought back?  If China shot missiles at Russia, who would complain at Russia invading China to end the threat?  But if Cobra attacks our embassy, why is it our fault, and why are we the ones who're wrong for ending the threat in the only way possible?  We eliminated Cobra and it is no more.  We attempted to arrest James "Destro" McMullen, XXIV to stand trial and were forced to kill him in self-defense.  We arrested his wife, Anastasia "the Baroness" McMullen, a high official in Cobra, and, finding her psychotic, are currently holding her as we treat her.  And, as has been recently noted in the media, we have recently found and captured the Cobra Commander in Sudan, where he has been hiding for two years.  He is currently undergoing his pretrial screening and suitable legal representation is being sought before he is tried.  In what way have we done anything wrong?  I feel like we have been used, expected to eliminate the threat of Cobra while we are hindered and abused for our efforts.  What for?  Because you're too lazy?  Or maybe the fight against Cobra kept bringing up too many uncomfortable issues.  I really don't care about your issues, you bunch of useless crybabies.  Just work on them!

And now we come to the fun part.  After conquering Cobra Island and putting a whole lot of humans in jail, we don't really trust you to take over.  Face it:  most of your jails are not therapeutic, which is like saying water isn't dry.  You warehouse prisoners and let them act like the wild animals you are and, big surprise, they don't come out any better.  What's the point of a penal system which makes people worse?  Maybe if you bothered to stop throwing people in jail for "crimes" which are trivial or stupid and invest in actually fixing the problems that land people in jail then you wouldn't need to lock away so many people.  No, that's too obvious for you.  We are not turning over prisoners to a bunch of sadists out for revenge, and let's face it, your "justice" systems are mostly systems of organized revenge.

Because you're too incompetent when it comes to criminals, we are forced to make Freedom Island (formerly Cobra Island) an extraplanetary territory of the Republic of Cybertron.  This will let us rehabilitate the prisoners without having to take them off-planet (we have previously considered establishing a penal colony on Venus, which has a similar surface gravity to Earth, but there is no way we could seriously do that without terraforming the planet, and there's no way we're doing you that kind of favor).  So, all the former Cobra terrorists will be fixed as best as we can manage, and the rest will be kept humanely.  At the trial of Anastasia McMullen, it was determined that she was responsible but psychotic, and as she has not improved as much as we'd like, she will probably remain the rest of her life in custody for the safety of herself and others.  The Cobra Commander will probably end up with the same verdict.  Quite a few former Cobra terrorists have shown remarkable improvement and we hope to substantially reduce the population in captivity over the next few years.  So much for warehousing.

As for the Freedom Islanders living in peace, so far the civilian government seems to be working, and with a military base housing the 33rd Battalion of the Cybertonian Army there, I doubt we'll have any serious problems.  The island also gives us somewhere to put Transformers who do not want to return to Cybertron proper, namely the Autobrat subfaction which schismed from the Autobots.  Most of them seem enthusiastic about the idea.  Based on her service to both the Republic and her comrades, President Shockwave has appointed the former Autobrat commander Arcee to the position of Ambassador to Earth.  You can expect to see a lot of her and her staff (both Transformers and humans) around New York, and if they are not respected, they will have our troops to answer to.

Do you like us there?  Of course not.  And here's what you have to do to make us vanish:

  • Every remaining Cobra terrorist everywhere must vanish, either rehabilitated or dead.  Attacking us forfeits their existence.  There's still tiny pockets of Cobra out there, and until they're all gone, we're not leaving.
  • Every stray Autobot is caught.  There's still many not accounted for, and every single one has to be caught.  They had no business coming to your planet and they won't be left behind.
  • The government of Freedom Island has to stay stable and democratic.  So far, so good.
  • No one else stupidly attacks us like Cobra did.  We've gotten a number of threats from governments, corporations, private organizations, and several religious sects.  Face it, we wiped out Cobra.  Don't make us wipe out the rest of you losers.  I already have a long list of groups I'm itching to blow away.

Frankly, much as the thought of us staying on this planet disgusts me with every circuit of my being, you need us.  Face it:  we are attacked and defend ourselves and we get yelled at for "illegally occupying" territory on Earth.  How screwed-up can you be?  Or take this new movie about us, Transformers:  Dark of the Moon, coming out ironically just as the reign of the Autobots on Earth has come to an end.  Director Michael Bay is as suckered by Autobot propaganda as he is juvenile.  The movie continues his usual trademark assault on the senses, idiotic writing, graphic violence,  ignorance of basic physics, and open prejudice.  I have been shown a number of bad movies by such directors as Roger Corman and Ed Wood, and I have found them masterpieces in comparison.  It's not bad enough to portray the "Decepticons" or Sentinel Prime (a patriot of Autobot ancestry who turned over evidence to the police of Ironhide's treason) as enemies; he has to take every opportunity to denigrate us.  I don't know which is worse, that anyone spent any money to make this or that anyone will pay to see it.  In any case, Megan Fox was sorely missed and Dr. Ken Jeong was totally wasted.

You people suck.

So you're stuck with us.  Someone has to be the good example because most of you are clueless and stupid and destroying your planet.  Instead of complaining and condemning us, you ought to see what we're doing right.  Maybe then you'll have a chance of fixing the problem.

Screw you all.  I hope you losers all die horrible, painful deaths, and you deserve it.

Megatron, ambassador-at-large, Republic of Cybertron, etc., etc., etc.

Edit that into something diplomatic before you send it off, Laserbeak.  I don't need another embarrassment like the last thing that idiot Ravage wrote.

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