Sunday, April 30, 2006

2 'Iyyar 5766 * 30 April 2006: Day 17 of the `Omer


Today’s weird thing is a little something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

Friday, April 28, 2006

30 Nisan 5766 * 28 April 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh/Day 15 of the `Omer/National Arbor Day


Today’s news:I ran out of on-line films, so today’s weird thing is the strange case of a resolution of the State of Idaho commending Jared and Jerusha Hess for producing the film Napoleon Dynamite. I have not seen Napoleon Dynamite, but the resolution itself is rather interesting.

Assignment for anyone working on their Hebrew: Identify who Jared was in Tanakh (= the Hebrew Bible), and give the meaning of the name "Jerusha".

Enjoy, happy new month, and Shabbath Shalom.


Wednesday, April 26, 2006

28 Nisan 5766 * 26 April 2006: Day 13 of the `Omer/Shuffleboard Day/National Pretzel Day


Worthy cause of the day: “Be a Citizen Co-Sponsor for the Energy Emergency Consumer Protection Act ”.

Today’s news:Today’s weird thing is Star Wars Episode IV in ASCII. All you do is open up a terminal program, type telnet, and hit return. (Note: You need to be connected to the Internet for this to work.) Enjoy.


Tuesday, April 25, 2006

27 Nisan 5766 * 25 April 2006: Day 12 of the `Omer/ANZAC Day


Information on today’s quasi-holiday: Wikipedia’s article on ANZAC Day.

Worthy causes of the day: Basel Action Network (BAN) and Computer Take Back Campaign, which both focus on electronic waste, and Save the Internet, which is working against the forces of greed trying to stifle free speech on the Internet.

Today’s news: Today’s weird thing, following the impromptu film festival idea, is “The Skywalkers”. Enjoy.


Sunday, April 23, 2006

25 Nisan 5766 * 23 April 2006: Day 10 of the `Omer/Laboratory Day


Today’s weird thing is “THE HISTORY OF SCIENTOLOGY”. I cannot describe this short (3 minutes 17 seconds) film well enough, only that you will love it. Enjoy.


Sunday, April 16, 2006

18 Nisan 5766 * 16 April 2006: Passover/Day 3 of the `Omer/Easter


Today’s weird things, in the spirit of Passover, are “Bitter Herbs” and “Passover. Being there. (1995)”. Scholarly note: Horseradish is allegedly tamkha’, not hazereth. Enjoy.


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

14 Nisan 5766 * 12 April 2006: Fast of the Firstborn/Yuri's Night/Look Up At The Sky Day


Tonight starts Passover. I get a vacation from posting until Sunday. In the meantime, I get to feel allergic. (Pollen season does that to me.)

Relevant cartoon: “Passover Matzah”

Today’s weird thing is “The AP Reinforces FIFA's Bias”, the story of how an international soccer organization complained that Israel blew up an empty soccer field in the Gaza Strip. I cannot make up something that pathetic, especially when they let terrorists commit human-hurting soccer-related attrocities without the least protest. Enjoy (or be scared or something), happy Passover, and next year may we be in Jerusalem.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

13 Nisan 5766 * 11 April 2006: Barbershop Quartet Day/National Cheese Fondue Day


Today’s agenda: Pre-Passover preparation. I get to baptize a crock pot and various other implements and confuse (probably) Christian fishermen and boaters in the process.

Relevant cartoon: “The Big Cleanup (1995)”

Questionably worthy cause of the day: Star Trek Enterprise - a Direct to DVD movie or mini-series. Petition.

Today’s news:In honor of National Cheese Fondue Day, today’s weird thing is Enjoy.


april 11 2006 bobby is awesome day

hi peoplez

my girlfriend s here saying that the media s like really mean to girls n treats them like objects n stuff so she wants me 2 have u look at this video by pink called stupid girls which is all about that kind of stuff about girls acting dumber than they should n feeling bad about themselves n not doing anything with their lives n barfing n stuff so go look at it n maybe shell stop twisting my arm the b**** its hard 2 type with 1 hand!!!!!

Sunday, April 9, 2006

11 Nisan 5766 * 9 April 2006: Anniversary of Grandpa's Death/Palm Sunday/Name Yourself Day


Pesah (Passover) is coming, beginning this Wednesday night. Cleaning is underway. Friday I had the fun of finding new places for icky stuff to be hiding in the refrigerator door (e.g., pleats in the seal of the door), and today I bought a cleaning duster and blew a lot of miniature dust bunnies out of my computer’s keyboard.

Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house?'" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."


For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.

The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Friday, April 7, 2006

Thursday, April 6, 2006

8 Nisan 5766 * 6 April 2006: Tartan Day


Today’s news:Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


Talking Dog

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.

-- This is a talking dog, and you can have him for five dollars.

-- Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal.

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

-- Please buy me, Sir. This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times.

-- Hey! - said the neighbor - He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?

-- Because I'm getting tired of all his lies.

Sunday, April 2, 2006

4 Nisan 5766 * 2 April 2006: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day


Today’s weird thing is something I found in an old chest, included below. It appears to be a document of great historical significance. Enjoy.



An account of the last days of Moroni and his death. These were part of the 116 pages lost by Martin Harris in the summer of 1828.


1 AND it came to pass that Moroni was the last of the Nephites, the last of the believers in Jesus Christ, and the last of his prophets in the Promised Land.
2 And the Lamanites, his enemies, found him at the edge of a cliff.
3 Now Moroni was afeared that the Lamanites would throw him from the cliff, but they did not do so, for they said it was not their way.
4 So the Lamanites sent for their king, and the king came, a great and mighty man who commanded respect.
5 And the king said to Moroni: I am Normianton, king of the Lamanites, and you have been accused of being a public nuisance.
6 Behold, my people tell me that everywhere you go you annoy them, calling them wicked and speaking things that no man can believe. Tell me, man, what do you have to say for yourself?
7 And Moroni said: I am a prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it is my duty to spread his message.
8 And Normianton said: I know not who this Jesus Christ is, for I have never heard of him.
9 And Moroni said: He is the Son of God who was spoken of by the prophets of the Jews.
10 And Normianton said: I know not who the Jews are nor who their prophets are.
11 So Moroni, being possessed of great memory, set about reciting for them all of the prophecies that had been made to the Jews before Nephi and his family set sail for the Promised Land.
12 And Normianton was much pleased with these scriptures, for he found them meaningful.
13 Then Moroni recited what he knew through prophecy of the Gospels, but Normianton said nothing about them, and he was clearly not pleased.
14 So Moroni continued and recited all that had been prophesied in the Promised Land to the Nephites.
15 Now none of this found favor in the eyes of Normianton, and he answered and said: Behold, all you have said concerning this Jesus I cannot accept.
16 For you say that he is the Christ, but the prophesies of the Jews you have recited predict no one such as him.
17 For those prophets said that the Christ would be a descendant of David, yet the Gospels say he was the son of God.
18 Yea, you have claimed that Isaiah foresaw Jesus being born of a virgin, yet the quote you used clearly speaks of Isaiah’s son being born to Isaiah’s wife, who was certainly not a virgin.
19 Verily, you accuse God of committing adultery, which He has forbidden and abominated.
20 Indeed, no quote made in the Gospels to claim that Jesus was the Christ means what the writers of the Gospels says it means.
21 And the prophets of the Jews said that the Christ would reign as king, and that he would save his people, and that he would ingather the exiles, and that he would rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem, yet he did none of those.
22 Indeed, this Jesus was a heretic, for he accused Moses of falsifying the Law, saying that Moses had permitted divorce even though God had forbidden it.
23 And he permitted his followers to violate the Sabbath, even though God had forbidden it.
24 And he claimed that the Law was not strict enough morally, even though in his own stringency he demanded aiding and abetting evil.
25 Surely such a man claiming to be a prophet would have been considered mad.
26 Now behold, you have compounded your error; you have told me further prophesies beyond the Gospels assuming that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of God.
27 And you have told us that a man traveled across the waters to come to this land, even though no one knows how to do such a thing.
28 And you have told us that our ancestors had many things which we have never known, such as sheep and cattle, elephants and cureloms and cumoms, wheat and barley, grapes and olives, silk and linen, iron and cement.
29 And you have told us that our ancestors had great cities and roads which we have never seen, nor of which we have any memory.
30 And you have told us that much of which we have never seen and of which our fathers never told us was destroyed in great catastrophic movements of the earth, of which our fathers never told us either.
31 Indeed, you have claimed that Jesus came at the time of catastrophe and that he preached to our ancestors, yet of this did our fathers never tell us.
32 Behold, it is no wonder that everyone considers you a nuisance.
33 Now Moroni was wroth, and his anger burned within him.
34 And he cursed the king Normianton, and he raved and ranted how he would come to death and destruction.
35 And Moroni’s movements were exceedingly violent, so that he lost his balance and fell off the cliff, and he was dashed to pieces on the rocks below.
36 And the king Normianton declared that all the ravings of the lunatic Moroni should be inscribed on golden plates as a warning to future generations.
37 And in further dishonor of the fool, the king declared that henceforth all idiots would be known as “morons”.

Of course, you do realize this is just a lightly disguised commentary on the Book of Mormon...