Sunday, April 2, 2006

4 Nisan 5766 * 2 April 2006: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day


Today’s weird thing is something I found in an old chest, included below. It appears to be a document of great historical significance. Enjoy.



An account of the last days of Moroni and his death. These were part of the 116 pages lost by Martin Harris in the summer of 1828.


1 AND it came to pass that Moroni was the last of the Nephites, the last of the believers in Jesus Christ, and the last of his prophets in the Promised Land.
2 And the Lamanites, his enemies, found him at the edge of a cliff.
3 Now Moroni was afeared that the Lamanites would throw him from the cliff, but they did not do so, for they said it was not their way.
4 So the Lamanites sent for their king, and the king came, a great and mighty man who commanded respect.
5 And the king said to Moroni: I am Normianton, king of the Lamanites, and you have been accused of being a public nuisance.
6 Behold, my people tell me that everywhere you go you annoy them, calling them wicked and speaking things that no man can believe. Tell me, man, what do you have to say for yourself?
7 And Moroni said: I am a prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it is my duty to spread his message.
8 And Normianton said: I know not who this Jesus Christ is, for I have never heard of him.
9 And Moroni said: He is the Son of God who was spoken of by the prophets of the Jews.
10 And Normianton said: I know not who the Jews are nor who their prophets are.
11 So Moroni, being possessed of great memory, set about reciting for them all of the prophecies that had been made to the Jews before Nephi and his family set sail for the Promised Land.
12 And Normianton was much pleased with these scriptures, for he found them meaningful.
13 Then Moroni recited what he knew through prophecy of the Gospels, but Normianton said nothing about them, and he was clearly not pleased.
14 So Moroni continued and recited all that had been prophesied in the Promised Land to the Nephites.
15 Now none of this found favor in the eyes of Normianton, and he answered and said: Behold, all you have said concerning this Jesus I cannot accept.
16 For you say that he is the Christ, but the prophesies of the Jews you have recited predict no one such as him.
17 For those prophets said that the Christ would be a descendant of David, yet the Gospels say he was the son of God.
18 Yea, you have claimed that Isaiah foresaw Jesus being born of a virgin, yet the quote you used clearly speaks of Isaiah’s son being born to Isaiah’s wife, who was certainly not a virgin.
19 Verily, you accuse God of committing adultery, which He has forbidden and abominated.
20 Indeed, no quote made in the Gospels to claim that Jesus was the Christ means what the writers of the Gospels says it means.
21 And the prophets of the Jews said that the Christ would reign as king, and that he would save his people, and that he would ingather the exiles, and that he would rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem, yet he did none of those.
22 Indeed, this Jesus was a heretic, for he accused Moses of falsifying the Law, saying that Moses had permitted divorce even though God had forbidden it.
23 And he permitted his followers to violate the Sabbath, even though God had forbidden it.
24 And he claimed that the Law was not strict enough morally, even though in his own stringency he demanded aiding and abetting evil.
25 Surely such a man claiming to be a prophet would have been considered mad.
26 Now behold, you have compounded your error; you have told me further prophesies beyond the Gospels assuming that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of God.
27 And you have told us that a man traveled across the waters to come to this land, even though no one knows how to do such a thing.
28 And you have told us that our ancestors had many things which we have never known, such as sheep and cattle, elephants and cureloms and cumoms, wheat and barley, grapes and olives, silk and linen, iron and cement.
29 And you have told us that our ancestors had great cities and roads which we have never seen, nor of which we have any memory.
30 And you have told us that much of which we have never seen and of which our fathers never told us was destroyed in great catastrophic movements of the earth, of which our fathers never told us either.
31 Indeed, you have claimed that Jesus came at the time of catastrophe and that he preached to our ancestors, yet of this did our fathers never tell us.
32 Behold, it is no wonder that everyone considers you a nuisance.
33 Now Moroni was wroth, and his anger burned within him.
34 And he cursed the king Normianton, and he raved and ranted how he would come to death and destruction.
35 And Moroni’s movements were exceedingly violent, so that he lost his balance and fell off the cliff, and he was dashed to pieces on the rocks below.
36 And the king Normianton declared that all the ravings of the lunatic Moroni should be inscribed on golden plates as a warning to future generations.
37 And in further dishonor of the fool, the king declared that henceforth all idiots would be known as “morons”.

Of course, you do realize this is just a lightly disguised commentary on the Book of Mormon...
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