Wednesday, May 31, 2006

4 Siwan 5766 * 31 May 2006: Day 48 of the `Omer


Today’s news and commentary:Hack of the day: ATIccelerator II, which is described as “on-the-fly overclocking for Mac OSX”, specifically of graphics cards. I now have the Mobility Radeon 9000 in my PowerBook running 25.84% of the speed it’s rated at. (WARNING: This is a hack. Be careful with it, and don’t blame me if you fry your graphics card.)

Today’s weird thing is BookCrossing, which describes itself as “The World's Biggest Free Book Club - Catch and Release Used Books”. I’m considering “releasing” two surplus Sherlock Holmes books this way. Enjoy.


Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sunday, May 28, 2006

1 Siwan 5766 * 28 May 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh/Day 45 of the `Omer/National Hamburger Day/Whale Day


Today’s news and commentary:Also, Barry and Nancy have sent me reports on an infant formula scandal which upsets them greatly; they would appreciate spreading the word. If anyone has any relevant information on this, please send it in.Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that, "Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without hesitation one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE, God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples.

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too!

Friday, May 26, 2006

28 'Iyyar 5766 * 26 May 2006: Day 43 of the `Omer


Today’s news and commentary, some of which Barry and someone who seems to wish to be nameless are responsible for:Today’s weird thing is a short story from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.


An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

25 'Iyyar 5766 * 23 May 2006: Day 40 of the `Omer/World Turtle Day


Today’s news and commentary, some of which Barry is responsible for:Today’s weird thing is an unusual 404 Error (page not found) page. Enjoy.


Thursday, May 18, 2006

20 'Iyyar 5766 * 18 May 2006: Day 35 of the `Omer/International Museum Day


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is something amusing from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders -- their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than..............punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the .........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..................Daylight Savings Time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water

Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.

No news is..................................impossible.

A miss is as good as a............................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new...................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.

Love all,

The pen is mightier than the.....................pigs.

An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.

Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's...........................the Musketeers.

Don't put off till tomorrow put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and have to blow your nose.

There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.

You get out of something only what you.......... see in the picture on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite: Better late than ...............pregnant!!!!

Monday, May 8, 2006

Worthy cause of the day: Cancel the "senior tax" Medicare sign up deadline


Today’s worthy cause is the Political Action petition “Cancel the "senior tax" Medicare sign up deadline”. Please sign and tell Congress to abandon Bush’s bad ideas and fix Medicare. Thank you


10 'Iyyar 5766 * March 8, 2006: Day 25 of the `Omer/No Socks Day/First Feast Day of Saint Michael the Archangel


In honor of today’s quasi-holiday, my computer will not wear socks.

Reminder: If you are a time traveller, don’t forget to attend the Time Traveler Convention on May 7, 2005.

Today’s news, submitted by our top news scout Barry:Today’s weird thing is 99 Bottles of Beer, the site that has code to generate the complete lyrics to “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall” in 994 computer languages. Enjoy or be confused or something.


Sunday, May 7, 2006

9 'Iyyar 5766 * 7 March 2006: Day 24 of the `Omer


Today’s weird thing is “Unexpected File”, which I did not expect would be today’s weird thing, but that’s a hazard of sometimes choosing weird things at random. Enjoy.


Friday, May 5, 2006

7 'Iyyar 5766 * 5 May 2006: Day 22 of the `Omer/National Hoagie Day/Cinco de Mustache/No Pants Day


Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


Thank God, the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. A few weeks ago he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the "Teletubbies," because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all gay people do.

But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party and has been for years.

** Fred Flintstone
His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle-toes Flintstone."
The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it.
Hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma.

*** Bugs Bunny
Often stands with hand on hip.
Plays a hairdresser in one episode.
Frequently dresses in drag.
Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy-who, it's worth noting, has a lisp.

*** Velma (of Scooby Doo)
Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine.
Sports that butch haircut.
Has broad shoulders and wears thick turtleneck sweaters and knee socks.
Never once shagged Shaggy.

*** Popeye
Eats lots of salad.
Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years.
Does little sailor dances.
Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl.
Best friend named Wimpy.

*** Batman and Robin
Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder.
Batman's real name: Bruce.
Both wear tights.
They're in great shape.
They like to show each other their "grappling hooks".

*** Peppermint Patty
Has a deep, gravelly voice.
Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals.
Plays a mean game of football.
Likes to taunt Charlie Brown.
Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie.
Wears comfortable shoes. (Incontrovertible evidence!!)
Nickname: Sir.

*** The Pink Panther
'Nuff said.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

5 'Iyyar 5766 * 3 May 2006: Day 20 of the `Omer/Israel Independence Day


Relevant to today’s holiday: The Orthodox Union’s page on Israel Independence Day 5766 and the Dry Bones cartoon “Yom HaAtzmaut”.

Today’s news:Today’s weird thing is a little story from Emily’s collection. Enjoy, and happy Independence Day.


Engineers and Cars

There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. The Microsoft engineer came up with a suggestion:

-- Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?

Monday, May 1, 2006

3 'Iyyar 5766 * 1 May 2006: Day 18 of the `Omer/Save a Rhino Day/Beltane


Relevant to Save a Rhino Day: The “Rhinoceros” article on Wikipedia and Save the Rhino International.

Today’s backlog of news:Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


Subject: Juding People
Date: Thu, 07 Aug 2003 08:16:49 -0700

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:

If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

You gotta pass this one on.