Friday, June 30, 2006

4 Tammuz 5766 * 30 June 2006: Silly stuff in Google Earth/Sketch Up


Today’s news and commentary:It finally happened. I’ve told people that sooner or later someone would abuse Google Earth and SketchUp and create things that do not exist in the real world. Today’s weird things are thus a few examples of this:Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and beware of giant gorillas.


Tuesday, June 27, 2006

1 Tammuz 5766 * 27 June 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh/National Columnists Day/Paul Bunyan Day


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection which also found its way into the local newspaper. It was clearly written by an equal-opportunity annoyer. I have included it below. Enjoy, and happy new month.



You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down-sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best-looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best -- vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas!

Monday, June 26, 2006

30 Siwan 5766 * 26 June 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is BumpTop Prototype, which is an idea for a future user interface with features of real-life physics. Enjoy.


Sunday, June 25, 2006

29 Siwan 5766 * 25 June 2006: Log Cabin Day


Today’s weird thing is a passage from the Talmudh Bavli. I’m currently working on Shabbath 152b, and it says:

“It was taught: Rabbi ’Eli‘ezer says: The soul of the righteous are stored away under the Seat of Glory [God’s throne], as is said: And the soul of my master will be bound up in the bundle of life [with YHWH your god] (Samuel 1·25:29). And those of the wicked are tied up and go, and one angel stands at the end of the world, and another angel stands at the [other] end of the world, and they slingshot their soul one to the other, as is said: And the soul of your enemies will He/She slingshot from the ‘palm’ of the slingshot [the part of the slingshot which holds the projectile] (same verse).”

So if you’re wondering what Hell is, according to Rabbi ’Eli‘ezer it’s being used as a projectile in angel sports.

Go figure.


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

25 Siwan 5766 * 21 June 2006: Vores Øl


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Vores Øl, the World’s first open source beer. Enjoy.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

24 Siwan 5766 * 20 June 2006: Ice Cream Soda Day


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society SaniTest™. I took the test and it told me:

Your SaniTest(TM) Results

Your score is: 107

For easier understanding, the HPLHS SaniTest assessment algorithm converts your raw score to a scale of 1 to 10. This number is your INSANITY INDEX.

INSANITY INDEX 5.54 Your score falls solidly in the middle of the spectrum of madness, and it suggests that you may be hebephrenic, a condition marked by silliness, delusions, hallucinations, and puerile behavior. While not usually dangerous, it can be annoying as hell to those around you. Others who scored at this level include Joan of Arc and French philosopher Albert Camus.



Monday, June 19, 2006

Worthy cause of the day: Make Congress "Oil-Free"


Please sign the petition “Make Congress "Oil-Free” and guilt-trip your congresspeople over their taking money from oil companies. Thank you.


23 Siwan 5766 * 19 June 2006: Juneteenth


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is a joke from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with an illness was to prove wrong the saying “You can’t take it with you.” He finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and take out his money to fill up 2 pillowcases. He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave it directly over his bed. His plan: When he passed away he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks later after the funeral, the wife went up to the attic to clean. She came upon the 2 pillowcases of money. “Oh that damned fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew I should have put the money in the basement.”

Sunday, June 11, 2006

15 Siwan 5766 * 11 June 2006


Today’s material has been contributed by Barry, whom I thank for saving me a lot of trouble finding my own material.

Today’s news and commentary:Right-wing pundit Ann Coulter has had the audacity to inappropriately criticize women whose husbands were killed on 9/11. Today’s weird thing is a parody of Coulter and the likewise mentally disturbed President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran.. Enjoy.


Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Monday, June 5, 2006

9 Siwan 5766 * 5 June 2006: “Baptist Dog”


Today’s news and commentary, much of which Barry is responsible for:Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


Baptist Dog

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23." The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog.

That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

Thursday, June 1, 2006

5 Siwan 5766 * 1 June 2006: Day 49 of the `Omer/Doughnut Day/Start of Hurricane Season


Starting tonight is Shavu‘oth, AKA Pentecost, the holiday celebrating the giving of the Torah on Mount Sinay in front of the entire Jewish people. The Temple Institute has a nice presentation on the rituals associated with Shavu‘oth. (It is a lot more colorful ritually when a Temple is standing.) Today, one of the more popular rituals on Shavu‘oth is to eat dairy products. For years I have argued that since pizza is the most noble and delicious embodiment of dairy products, it ought to be eaten on Shavu‘oth, a time when we are commanded to enjoy ourselves; to my delight, I have learned that some people may actually be listening this year.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is The book of the weird experiments. (See the excerpts.) Enjoy, and hagh sameah.