Thursday, November 30, 2006

9 Kislew 5767 * 30 November 2006: Stay at Home Because You're Well Day


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is something silly from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

8 Kislew 5767 * 29 November 2006: Square Dance Day


Literature relevant to today’s quasi-holiday: Flatland by Edwin Abbott Abbott. (I know: Boo!)

Today’s news and commentary:
  • “Cough cough wheeze (1976)”
  • “Violent video game effects linger in brain” (Submitted by Barry, who got it from Nancy.)
  • “School Board decides to open its meetings with prayer” (This shows the sort of incompetent politicians we have around here. For one thing, it’s unnecessary since everyone on the school board is entitled to pray for Divine guidance and help—and I sincerely hope they do so. But having a group prayer is just asking for trouble. Constitutionally, the government is not supposed to be encouraging (or discouraging) the practice of any religion, either in general or particular; the group prayer is therefore unconstitutional. Atheists may rightly complain that religion is being shoved down their throats. Furthermore, I am unaware of any universals for religion (including the existence of a deity), so a group prayer, even one made vague in an attempt to be “nondenominational”, is going to inevitably be incompatible with some religion; thus the prayer will favor one religion over another, which is also unconstitutional. If anyone reading this is on the Charleston County School Board, you need to concentrate on your job of running the schools properly rather than trying to get everyone to pray.)
  • “Science a la Joe Camel”
  • “The Girl of Qatif”
  • “Jordan says no to Palestinian refugees” (Two things: 1) The last war with Jordan was about 40 years ago. These people are not refugees at this point. 2) A lot of these people are Jordanian citizens who were dishonorably abandoned behind enemy lines or their descendants. Every king of Jordan since then who refuses to take in his own people but rather forces them to suffer from a jihad which they have no hope of winning is acting most dishonorably. If the king of Jordan wants to fight this jihad, let him come to Israel himself and blow himself up like a real jihadi rather than sit at home in comfort, forcing other people to fight the jihad while he pretends to be at peace with Israel.)
  • “Prehistoric fish had bite stronger than a T-rex”
Today’s weird thing is 10 Minute Mail, which gives you an E-mail address which is valid for ten minutes. This is very useful if you want to get something on-line which requires giving an E-mail address, but you do not want to give out personal information. Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

7 Kislew 5767 * 28 November 2006: Sorry Gotta Go


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Sorry Gotta Go, which is an interesting approach to handling telemarketers and other unwanted callers. (NOTE: This is provided for entertainment value only. Consult a religious authority or your conscience before actually making use of this technique! Junkbusters is probably better for the conscientious.) Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Monday, November 27, 2006

6 Kislew 5767 * 27 November 2006: No weird thing today


Today there will be no weird thing, because yesterday it was reported that my brother David is dead. Barry received an E-mail to that effect yesterday:
I am lee yong,an attorney at law.A deceased client
of mine by name David Adelman , who herein
after shall be referred to as my client, died as
the result of a heart-related condition on the
11November 2001. His heart condition was due to the
death of all the members of his family in the Gulf
Air Flight Crashes in Persian Gulf Near Bahrain
Aired August 23, 2000 - 2:50 p.m. ET as reported


I contacted you to assist in distributing the money
left behind by my client before it is confiscated or
declared unserviceable by the bank where this
deposit valued at 19 million dollars is lodged.
This bank has issued me a notice to contact the next
of kin, or the account will be confiscated.
My proposition to you is to seek your consent to
present you as the next-of-kin and beneficiary of my
named client, since you have the same last name, so
that the proceeds of this account can be paid to
you. Then we can share the amount on a mutually
agreed-upon percentage. All legal documents to back
up your claim as my client's next-of-kin will be
provided.All I require is your honest cooperation to
enable us see this transaction through.
This will be executed under a legitimate arrangement
that will protect you from many breach of the law.
If this business proposition offends your moral
values,do accept my apology.

I must use this opportunity to implore you to
exercise the utmost indulgence to keep this matter
extraordinary confidential, whatever your decision,
while I await your prompt
Please contact me at once to indicate your
interest. Althernatively email me

Best regards,
Barrister Lee Yong Malaysia

+ 60 -123 - 356 -924 EXT: 1-3.

This communication,links contained herein, is for
thesole use of the intended recipient and may
containinformation that is confidential or legally

David, being the modest man he is, never told us about his $19,000,000, his secret family visiting exotic Bahrain, their having died in a plane crash, his heart condition, or his having died. In fact, when he visited here last weekend, he faked being alive so well that we had no idea he was really dead. My complements to his mortician. Still, we will miss him. I’ve got dibs on his car.


Sunday, November 26, 2006

5 Kislew 5767 * 26 November 2006: Spoke POV


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Spoke POV, a high-tech, low utility bicycle wheel modification. Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Friday, November 24, 2006

3 Kislew 5767 * 24 November 2006: Use Even If Seal Is Broken Day


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is “Why smart people defend bad ideas”. (YHWH save us from the pitfalls of bad thinking!) Enjoy and Shabbath shalom.


Thursday, November 23, 2006

2 Kislew 5767 * 23 November 2006: Thanksgiving/Cashews Day

Greetings, and happy Turkey Day.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is something silly from Emily’s collection, included below.. Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Happy Thanksgiving!!!

’Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
but we just couldn't sleep.
We tried counting backwards;
We tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned the dark meat and white,
But we fought the temptation with all of our might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So, we raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
We gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
We felt ourselves swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden we rose off the ground.
We crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, we managed to yell as we soared past the trees
Happy eating to ALL, pass the cranberries, please!
May your stuffing be tasty; may your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ’n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious; may your pies take the prize
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.


Tuesday, November 21, 2006

30 Marheshwan 5767 * 21 November 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh

Greetings and happy new month.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is the Geek-a-Cycle™. As someone in the health sciences, I approve of this idea. Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Sunday, November 19, 2006

28 Marheshwan 5767 * 19 November 2006: Have a Bad Day Day/Death of the Man In the Iron Mask


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing, sent to me by Erin is something very goofy, included below. (WARNING: The following is included for entertainment only. You do anything on the list and get in trouble, it’s your own fault.) Enjoy and share the weirdness.



* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies.
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING...
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Friday, November 17, 2006

26 Marheshwan 5767 * 17 November 2006: Model of the Solar System


Yesterday there was no weird thing due to problems with Blogger. Sorry about that.

Today’s news and commentary:Tomorrow is my father’s birthday. He is an astronomer, and since tomorrow I won’t be posting today’s weird thing is a “Model of the Solar System”. Enjoy.


Wednesday, November 15, 2006

24 Marheshwan 5767 * 15 November 2006: National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day


Worthy cause of the day: “Teach Kids Peace”. Please sign the petition and stand up against teaching “Palestinian” children hate.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is the List of Crazy Patents, submitted by David. Enjoy, share the weirdness, and patent it as well.


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

23 Marheshwan 5767 * 14 November 2006


Too much is going on in Israel. Go peak over under “Recommended Reading” and grumble about Olmert’s political incompetence.

Today’s weird thing is “Image:Letter to Russia with krokozyabry.jpg”, which is an example of what happens when the wrong character encoding is used. (All hail Unicode, the character set to end all other character sets!) Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Monday, November 13, 2006

22 Marheshwan 5767 * 13 November 2006: Tefillin Barbie


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing, brought to my notice by Erin and someone who will remain anoymous, is Tefillin Barbie. This idea is the product of someone who is clearly religiously incompetent. (I checked, and she has no clue that when the Gemara’ says “no” without the slightest bit of contest and that when all tradition since then has be in accordance with the Gemara’, the halakhah is without question “no”.) Not to mention that Barbie’s shirt doesn’t go right with a talith and tefillin. Enjoy, and share the weirdness.


Sunday, November 12, 2006

Friday, November 10, 2006

19 Marheshwan 5767 * 10 November 2006: Marine Corps Day/Sadie Hawkins Day


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is the Dull Men's Club. (I cannot make something like this up!) Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and share the weirdness.


Wednesday, November 8, 2006

17 Marheshwan 5767 * 8 November 2006: Oly-hay Ible-bay


I’m pleased with the 2006 midterm election results. As of this moment, we have (elected) 195 Republicans and 227 Democrats in the House of Representatives, and 49 Republicans, 47 Democrats, and 2 Independents in the Senate (there seem to be 2 seats unaccounted for), putting control of the House squarely in Democratic hands. Furthermore, we now have (elected) 22 Republican governors and 28 Democratic governors. All in all, George W. Bush and company are in big trouble and should expect more trouble implementing their agenda than ever before. Thank YHWH and the American voters!

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is something I came across in a search for English translations of the Christian Bible as source material for my book in progress, Divine Misconceptions. There are a great variety of Christian Bible translations out there on the Web, but none stranger than The Bible in Pig Latin. Enjoy and share the weirdness.


Tuesday, November 7, 2006

16 Marheshwan 5767 * 7 November 2006: Election Day (US)/Notary Public Day


The photograph on the left is of the latest miniature hippopotamus in my collection, whom I have named “Henry”. Henry was sent to me by Barry as part of my birthday present. He is shown standing on top of a Modern Hebrew-English dictionary, behind him a printout of the amendments we get to vote on today in South Carolina. The picture was taken with a Web-cam I found literally in the trash and had to hold by hand to take the picture; hence the lousy quality.

Note: Go vote if you haven’t already. Show those politicians who’s boss!

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Snowball Earth, the theory that the planet actually froze over (possibly several times) in the past. Articles on the subject: “The Snowball Earth” and “Research supports 'Snowball Earth' theory”. Enjoy, share the weirdness, and get out there and vote.


Monday, November 6, 2006

15 Marheshwan 5767 * 6 November 2006: Saxophone Day/Yarov`am ben Nevat Day


Note that tomorrow is election day in the US. If you are registered to vote, please vote for the best (or, more accurately, least bad) candidate. Remember: if we don’t vote, politicians do nothing to make sure we vote for them—a sure way to make sure someone who does not have the public’s best interests at heart gets into office.

Also: In an attack on the mistaken notion that only the prayers of religious people are important and that those of the nonreligious are worthless, I, a (relatively) holy man (given I live in the religious backwater of Charleston, SC), do hereby request that nonreligious people pray on my behalf and bestow their blessing on me for a job, a wife, and children. In the Kol Nidhre prayer, it is declared that it is permissible to worship along with transgressors; as such, no one should feel that they have no business approaching YHWH. With all humans created in the Divine image, we are all equally entitled to have a relationship with YHWH. Since everyone has access, everyone’s prayer, even that of the nonreligious, ought to be worthwhile.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Mouse Print, which delves in the ominous world of small print. Enjoy, and share the weirdness.


Sunday, November 5, 2006

14 Marheshwan 5767 * 5 November 2006: Guy Fawkes Day


Today’s news and commentary, for some of which Barry is responsible:Today’s weird thing is Jackson Pollock, which is a sort of do-it-yourself experimental art site. Enjoy, and share the weirdness.


Wednesday, November 1, 2006

10 Marheshwan 5767 * 1 November 2006: Aaron and Barry's (Jewish) birthday/National Author's Day/All Saint's Day


Yes, today is my birthday on the Jewish calendar. (One can never celebrate too many of one’s birthdays.)

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is a very-limited time opportunity to send your name to the Asteroid Belt. I do not know the point of it, but, what the gezornenblat, I’m sending my name to the Asteroid Belt anyway. Enjoy and share the weirdness.