Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is a truly bizarre crossover short fan-film. Remember to see it with the sea serpent you love. Enjoy.
Aaron
Monday, August 7, 2006
Sunday, August 6, 2006
12 'Av 5766 * 6 August 2006: Book-A-Minute
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Book-A-Minute, the site that lets you read ultra-condensed versions of books, because I feel like it.
Special bonus: I am including an ultra-condensed poem I wrote (or rather rewrote) below. Enjoy.
Aaron
The Hunting of the Snark
An abbreviated agony in eight stanzas
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman
based on the original poem by Lewis Carroll
“Just the place for a Snark!” the Bellman cried,
As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
By a finger entwined in his hair.
All the danger was past—they had landed at last,
And the Bellman made opening remarks.
But his talk was disturbed, and the silence reverbed
As the Baker did speak about Snarks.
“My uncle said, ‘Nephew, please do what I say!
You may hunt it with forks and hope;
But if it be a Boojum, you’ll vanish away
And no more be met with, you dope!’”
The Bellman looked uffish, and wrinkled his brow.
“If only you’d spoken before!
I’ll speak again later. The hunting starts now
With the Snark, so to speak, at the door!”
They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;
They pursued it with forks and hope;
They threatened its life with a railway-share;
They charmed it with smiles and soap.
Then the Butcher contrived a new means to their ends,
And the Beaver devised the same scheme.
They returned from their sally the closest of friends,
While the Barrister had an odd dream.
As the Banker was seeking with thimbles and care,
A Bandersnatch swiftly drew nigh
And drove him so mad that he shrieked in despair,
For he thought he was going to die.
In the very last word that the Baker did say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He softly and suddenly vanished away—
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.
Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is Book-A-Minute, the site that lets you read ultra-condensed versions of books, because I feel like it.
Special bonus: I am including an ultra-condensed poem I wrote (or rather rewrote) below. Enjoy.
Aaron
The Hunting of the Snark
An abbreviated agony in eight stanzas
by Aaron Solomon (ben Saul Joseph) Adelman
based on the original poem by Lewis Carroll
“Just the place for a Snark!” the Bellman cried,
As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
By a finger entwined in his hair.
All the danger was past—they had landed at last,
And the Bellman made opening remarks.
But his talk was disturbed, and the silence reverbed
As the Baker did speak about Snarks.
“My uncle said, ‘Nephew, please do what I say!
You may hunt it with forks and hope;
But if it be a Boojum, you’ll vanish away
And no more be met with, you dope!’”
The Bellman looked uffish, and wrinkled his brow.
“If only you’d spoken before!
I’ll speak again later. The hunting starts now
With the Snark, so to speak, at the door!”
They sought it with thimbles, they sought it with care;
They pursued it with forks and hope;
They threatened its life with a railway-share;
They charmed it with smiles and soap.
Then the Butcher contrived a new means to their ends,
And the Beaver devised the same scheme.
They returned from their sally the closest of friends,
While the Barrister had an odd dream.
As the Banker was seeking with thimbles and care,
A Bandersnatch swiftly drew nigh
And drove him so mad that he shrieked in despair,
For he thought he was going to die.
In the very last word that the Baker did say,
In the midst of his laughter and glee,
He softly and suddenly vanished away—
For the Snark was a Boojum, you see.
Friday, August 4, 2006
10 'Av 5766 * 4 August 2006: Cost Guard Day
Greetings.
I hope everyone had an easy fast yesterday.
I think “Cost Guard Day” is a typo in one of the calendars I’m using, but if it’s not, perhaps we ought to be on guard against cost all day.
Today’s news and commentary:
Aaron
I hope everyone had an easy fast yesterday.
I think “Cost Guard Day” is a typo in one of the calendars I’m using, but if it’s not, perhaps we ought to be on guard against cost all day.
Today’s news and commentary:
- “Kill the Jews!”
- “Life After Earth: Imagining Survival Beyond This Terra Firma”
- “Wrong, wrong, wrong”
- “N.H. woman bakes cookies on dashboard”
Aaron
Thursday, August 3, 2006
9 'Av 5766 * 3 August 2006: The Fast of 'Av
I am posting today, the saddest of all fast days on the Jewish calendar, because R. Ari Sytner, rabbi of our local shul, sent out E-mail about an initiative called “Pray for One” which gives people in the US names of endangered people in Israel to pray for. This struck me as a good idea, if for no other reason than people's morale can be raised by the knowledge that someone is praying for them. You can find out about this initiative (and other worthwhile things to do) at Israel Under Siege - What You Can Do. Thank you.
Aaron
Aaron
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
7 'Av 5766 / 1 August 2006: The Nine Days/Air Force Day/Lammas/First Harvest
Greetings.
I’m here waiting on other people for things, doing job-hunting-related stuff, and not having fun. Lots of people in Israel are not having fun either due to the war, so if you can spare a few dollars, you may want to contribute to a number of worthy causes. You may also want to see the cartoon “UN Peace Keepers in Lebanon (1982)” or the following one sent to me by Harold:
Due to this being a period of mourning, there is no weird thing today, though I did fiddle with the “Recommended Reading” and “Worthy Causes” sections of the sidebar.
Aaron
I’m here waiting on other people for things, doing job-hunting-related stuff, and not having fun. Lots of people in Israel are not having fun either due to the war, so if you can spare a few dollars, you may want to contribute to a number of worthy causes. You may also want to see the cartoon “UN Peace Keepers in Lebanon (1982)” or the following one sent to me by Harold:
Due to this being a period of mourning, there is no weird thing today, though I did fiddle with the “Recommended Reading” and “Worthy Causes” sections of the sidebar.
Aaron
Monday, July 31, 2006
6 'Av 5766 * 31 July 2006: The Nine Days
Greetings.
It’s still the Nine Days, and it’s not one of my better days. (Didn’t sleep well last night, feeling allergic, waiting on other people for stuff, the weather is more appropriate for Venus than Terra/Earth.) The major bright side is that I have managed to install a separate swap partition on my Mac (which speeds things up when faking more RAM than actually exists, though setting things up is dangerous), though I find myself wondering why Apple doesn’t make an option for setting it up for you upon installation. Someone send me a decent icon for a swap partition, please, something that looks like a RAM module.
Today’s news and commentary, other than the zillion things under “Recommended Reading”:
Aaron
It’s still the Nine Days, and it’s not one of my better days. (Didn’t sleep well last night, feeling allergic, waiting on other people for stuff, the weather is more appropriate for Venus than Terra/Earth.) The major bright side is that I have managed to install a separate swap partition on my Mac (which speeds things up when faking more RAM than actually exists, though setting things up is dangerous), though I find myself wondering why Apple doesn’t make an option for setting it up for you upon installation. Someone send me a decent icon for a swap partition, please, something that looks like a RAM module.
Today’s news and commentary, other than the zillion things under “Recommended Reading”:
- “After the storm...what's for dinner?” (Submitted by Barry.)
- “Hezbollah's Human Shields in Lebanon”
- “A man of stony stubbornness”
- 'Doughnut hole' robs seniors of drug coverage
- “WORST EVER SECURITY FLAW FOUND IN DIEBOLD TS VOTING MACHINE”
- “Cartoon of the Day” (This sums up a lot of the problem extremely succinctly.)
- “Hezbollah "House guests"”
- “Protestors storm UN compound in Gaza”
- “Reject bogus moral blackmail”
Aaron
Friday, July 28, 2006
3 'Av 5766 * 28 July 2006: The Nine Days/National Drive-Thru Day
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:
Aaron
Today’s news and commentary:
- “15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense”
- “Annan's libel”
- “Horse Slaughterhouses: 'America's Dirty Little Secret'” (Completely silly pseudoproblem. Sentiment is an insufficient basis for taking moral offense at horses being killed for food.)
- “International Force in Southern Lebanon”
- “Military Shipping Kits” (May be useful information to someone.)
- “Demands for a Cease Fire in Lebanon! (1982)”
- “Bassam, my dejected Iraqi friend”
- “Missile Attacks from South Lebanon ( 1992 )”
- “When History bites back”
- “Inhofe: What planet is he on?”
- “Lebanon: Myths and Facts”
Aaron
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
1 'Av 5766 * 26 July 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh/The Nine Days
Greetings.
No weird things. Just news, commentary, and causes:
No weird things. Just news, commentary, and causes:
- “Stretch of Peace”
- “When Will This War End?”
- “Toys for children in hospitals and bomb shelters”
- “Rabbi Amar: Faith and repentance can help war effort” (Dad was impressed by this. Certainly people trying to repent for things they’ve done wrong to others can only make the world a better place.)
- “Olmert wants to make it a triple” (Someone please throw this guy out of office if he tries this stunt.)
- “How to Support Israel”
- Sermons on Three Weeks, Tisha B'av, Nachamu
- Israel Emergency Fund - OU.ORG
Friday, July 21, 2006
25 Tammuz 5766 * 21 July 2006: The Three Weeks/National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day
Greetings.
The war against Hamas and Hizbullah rages on. See the stuff under “Recommended Reading” for details. Those wishing to do something about it can give to a number of efforts to help Israel’s troops (besides praying):
Aaron
The war against Hamas and Hizbullah rages on. See the stuff under “Recommended Reading” for details. Those wishing to do something about it can give to a number of efforts to help Israel’s troops (besides praying):
- PizzaIDF.org (They deliver pizza to the troops. It’s a morale thing.)
- BurgerIDF.org (Same, except the soldiers get hamburgers.)
- Friends of the Israel Defense Forces
- American Friends of Magen David Adom
- ZAKA
- Yad Sarah
- “President blocked surveillance probe”
- “DeLay fundraising group to shut down, pay fine”
- “The War, the Arabs, and Ahmadinejad”
- “Israel's War With Hizbullah”
- “Israel at War on Two Front”
- “A Matter of Proportion”
- “Thief compensates victim for stolen bike”
- “Our Left, Their Left”
- “Talking Mirror Not Just for Fairy Tales Anymore”
Aaron
Friday, July 14, 2006
18 Tammuz 5766 * 14 July 2006: The Three Weeks/Bastille Day
Greetings.
Worthy cause of the day: MoveOn.org Political Action: Renew the Voting Rights Act.
The Arab-Israeli war rages on. (See under “Recommended Reading”.) HashShem, please, do not let Olmert chicken out. Do not let him leave any terrorists alive or at least uncaptured. And do not let him listen to anyone pushing “restraint”. The last thing we need is leaving things in such a condition so as to set the stage for another jihad.
At special request, today’s weird thing is Candy propellants, which deals with using high-sugar substances for model rocket fuel rather than for rotting teeth. Sugar Shot to Space is an extreme version of this idea. Enjoy, may the Merciful One help us, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Worthy cause of the day: MoveOn.org Political Action: Renew the Voting Rights Act.
The Arab-Israeli war rages on. (See under “Recommended Reading”.) HashShem, please, do not let Olmert chicken out. Do not let him leave any terrorists alive or at least uncaptured. And do not let him listen to anyone pushing “restraint”. The last thing we need is leaving things in such a condition so as to set the stage for another jihad.
At special request, today’s weird thing is Candy propellants, which deals with using high-sugar substances for model rocket fuel rather than for rotting teeth. Sugar Shot to Space is an extreme version of this idea. Enjoy, may the Merciful One help us, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
16 Tammuz 5766 * 12 July 2006: International Town Criers Day
Greetings.
According to my usual sources (see under Recommended Reading in the sidebar), Hizbullah has attacked Israel (including some kidnappings), and in response Israel has effectively declared war on Lebanon. (HashShem, save us!) I am really not in a mood for weird things at the moment. The timing is at least appropriate. Tomorrow is the 17th of Tammuz, a fast day beginning the Three Weeks, a period of mourning for the destruction of both Temples and multiple disasters throughout Jewish history, culminating in the 9th of ’Av. There will be no weird things tomorrow or on the 9th of ’Av, and in between expect few, if any. Please pray for the State of Israel and the Israeli Defense Forces, and that the politicians do not make a worse mess of the situation than they already have. If you can think of anything practical to do to ameliorate the situation, please do it. Thank you.
Aaron
According to my usual sources (see under Recommended Reading in the sidebar), Hizbullah has attacked Israel (including some kidnappings), and in response Israel has effectively declared war on Lebanon. (HashShem, save us!) I am really not in a mood for weird things at the moment. The timing is at least appropriate. Tomorrow is the 17th of Tammuz, a fast day beginning the Three Weeks, a period of mourning for the destruction of both Temples and multiple disasters throughout Jewish history, culminating in the 9th of ’Av. There will be no weird things tomorrow or on the 9th of ’Av, and in between expect few, if any. Please pray for the State of Israel and the Israeli Defense Forces, and that the politicians do not make a worse mess of the situation than they already have. If you can think of anything practical to do to ameliorate the situation, please do it. Thank you.
Aaron
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
15 Tammuz 5766 * 11 July 2006: National Slurpee Day
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is FedexFurniture.Com, which is the site of someone who made furniture out of FedEx boxes. Enjoy.
Aaron
Today’s weird thing is FedexFurniture.Com, which is the site of someone who made furniture out of FedEx boxes. Enjoy.
Aaron
Monday, July 10, 2006
14 Tammuz 5766 * 10 July 2006: How your computer allegedly works
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:
Aaron
Today’s news and commentary:
- Too much going on noted by Media Backspin, Elder of Ziyon, and Israel Matzav.
- Non Sequitur 2006-07-09
- “Aviation history is made by 'flapper'”
- “La. garden yields yard-long ... cuculoupe?”
- “2 centuries of N.Y. kvetching revealed”
- “Gaza Kidnapping”
- “Olmert on the Intercom”
Aaron
Sunday, July 9, 2006
13 Tammuz 5766 * 9 March 2006: Pachycephalosaurus Day
Greetings.
I am declaring today to be Pachycephalosaurus Day since yesterday some kids left a rather amusing Pachycephalosaurus model in the shtibl I went to. I got to joke that the Pachycephalosaurus was my havrutha’ (study partner), and the Pachycephalosaurus got to be the sponsor for se‘udhah shelishith.
Today’s weird thing is derived from “Urban Legends Reference Pages: Jest in Time II”. Some items were omitted due to their poor taste. The rest are included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Not all blondes are dumb.
A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Mr. Bush asked, "What if Jonah went to the other place?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me."
Microsoft Windows 98's secret:
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows 98 on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows 98 CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746
F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
The real danger to us from the Middle East
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.
The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ...
"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert. The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.
"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen. 'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"
The Palestinian delegate, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"
"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."
I am declaring today to be Pachycephalosaurus Day since yesterday some kids left a rather amusing Pachycephalosaurus model in the shtibl I went to. I got to joke that the Pachycephalosaurus was my havrutha’ (study partner), and the Pachycephalosaurus got to be the sponsor for se‘udhah shelishith.
Today’s weird thing is derived from “Urban Legends Reference Pages: Jest in Time II”. Some items were omitted due to their poor taste. The rest are included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Not all blondes are dumb.
A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Mr. Bush asked, "What if Jonah went to the other place?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me."
Microsoft Windows 98's secret:
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows 98 on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows 98 CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746
F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
The real danger to us from the Middle East
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.
The Israeli Ambassador at the U.N. began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you ...
"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert. The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.
"Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen. 'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"
The Palestinian delegate, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"
"And with that in mind," said the Israeli Ambassador, "let me now begin my speech."
Friday, July 7, 2006
11 Tammuz 5766 * 7 July 2006: "Astrophysics taking off on Superman"
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is “Astrophysics taking off on Superman”. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Today’s weird thing is “Astrophysics taking off on Superman”. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Thursday, July 6, 2006
10 Tammuz 5766 * 6 July 2006: National Fried Chicken Day
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary, some of which has been suggested by Barry:
Aaron
Today’s news and commentary, some of which has been suggested by Barry:
- “Blame our establishment for appeasing these extremists”
- “Hamas's War”
- “Push for simpler spelling persists”
- “IDF to
reliberateredeploy in Gaza” - “Air pollution, cramped living in Athens breeding 'super mosquitoes'” (God has decreed that evolution occur. That disease organisms and viruses continue to evolve on a time scale noticeable by humans is a rebuke to those who disagree.)
- “Thanks, Mr. President” (The author clearly understands the Orwellian abuse of language on the part of heretical movements masquerading as Judaism.)
- “'The expulsion is killing us'”
- “A danger to Israeli democracy” (Israel is clearly not the only country suffering from such abuse of PR.)
- “Scientist makes tiniest soccer pitch”
- “Jabs link to autism 'dispelled'” (It’s amazing how long a misconception can last. Then again, there are people who still believe in astrology.)
Aaron
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
9 Tammuz 5766 * 5 July 2006: "Weekend Eating: Mobile Cooking"
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:
Aaron
Today’s news and commentary:
- “Remember What Happened Here”
- “The Enemy Within”
- “Spare the children”
- “UN Human Rights Council”
- “'Palestinian' businesses leave Gaza”
- “'Army of Islam' says 'Islamic law' guides them not to kill Gilad Shalit”
- “Indonesia pulls out of match in Israel” (Obviously the Indonesians are totally losers who could not possibly beat the Israelis.)
- “Good news from Israel”
- “29% of British Muslims agree with 7/7 terrorist goals”
Aaron
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
8 Tammuz 5766 * 4 July 2006: National Country Music Day/Independence Day
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:
Aaron
If anyone out there is considering going to see Superman Returns, Warner Brothers’ attempt at reviving a series which went horribly awry after two movies and spent nearly two decades in hiatus, then please think again. The third and fourth movies plunged into total camp (the bad kind of camp that nearly killed the Batman movie franchise), and the current one pretends they never occurred, making this one a direct sequel to the second. However, the current offering offers something even worse: immorality.
Those who wish to avoid spoilers, turn away now, but know at least that this movie reaches new depths of depravity. Yes, it is horrible that someone has an evil scheme that promises to better himself while threatening the lives of billions of people. But this movie has something much, much worse. From the advertisements it is clear to all that Lois Lane has a son. This is not so bad in itself, but Lane is not a terribly good mother, continuing to work at her job even though it risks her son and, horrors, shacking up with a man who she is not married to. Even worse, it is readily apparent that this man is not the child’s father, but instead the real father is Superman, who cruelly abandoned her to go work out his own issues, leaving her to raise their child alone. Even at the end, there is no resolution towards him doing the honorable thing.
Thus, the movie displays unwholesome, wanton immorality, portraying Lane as a loose woman and Superman as a cad who betrays his boy-scout image to take advantage of her weak will and despoil her good name. Shame on you, Man of Steel! Yes, mass destruction and mayhem is one thing, but implied sexual impropriety is much, much worse! How dare you pollute our children with this filth, diametrically opposed to family values, truth, justice, and the American way! If this is the kind of behavior they tolerated on Krypton, it is little wonder that God Almighty sought to smite them all by destroying their planet. Let us not thus not tempt His wrath and avoid their fate.
—Lex Luthor, concerned and moral reader
Today’s news and commentary:
- “CIA closes unit for capturing bin Laden”
- “Wild Weather: Iron Rain on Failed Stars”
- “PA television airs clip encouraging children to become shaheeds”
- “Iranian press sometimes reveals truth”
Aaron
If anyone out there is considering going to see Superman Returns, Warner Brothers’ attempt at reviving a series which went horribly awry after two movies and spent nearly two decades in hiatus, then please think again. The third and fourth movies plunged into total camp (the bad kind of camp that nearly killed the Batman movie franchise), and the current one pretends they never occurred, making this one a direct sequel to the second. However, the current offering offers something even worse: immorality.
Those who wish to avoid spoilers, turn away now, but know at least that this movie reaches new depths of depravity. Yes, it is horrible that someone has an evil scheme that promises to better himself while threatening the lives of billions of people. But this movie has something much, much worse. From the advertisements it is clear to all that Lois Lane has a son. This is not so bad in itself, but Lane is not a terribly good mother, continuing to work at her job even though it risks her son and, horrors, shacking up with a man who she is not married to. Even worse, it is readily apparent that this man is not the child’s father, but instead the real father is Superman, who cruelly abandoned her to go work out his own issues, leaving her to raise their child alone. Even at the end, there is no resolution towards him doing the honorable thing.
Thus, the movie displays unwholesome, wanton immorality, portraying Lane as a loose woman and Superman as a cad who betrays his boy-scout image to take advantage of her weak will and despoil her good name. Shame on you, Man of Steel! Yes, mass destruction and mayhem is one thing, but implied sexual impropriety is much, much worse! How dare you pollute our children with this filth, diametrically opposed to family values, truth, justice, and the American way! If this is the kind of behavior they tolerated on Krypton, it is little wonder that God Almighty sought to smite them all by destroying their planet. Let us not thus not tempt His wrath and avoid their fate.
—Lex Luthor, concerned and moral reader
Monday, July 3, 2006
7 Tammuz 5766 * 3 July 2006: Stay Out Of The Sun Day
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:
It’s hideous! It’s a dog with two heads! It’s—
OK, I’m being silly.
Today’s weird thing is The Secret Society of Happy People. Enjoy, and be happy.
Aaron
Today’s news and commentary:
- “Israeli Forces Enter Gaza”
- “The Palestinian Calendar”
- “Still a farce”
- “Asteroid to make close encounter with Earth”
It’s hideous! It’s a dog with two heads! It’s—
OK, I’m being silly.
Today’s weird thing is The Secret Society of Happy People. Enjoy, and be happy.
Aaron
Sunday, July 2, 2006
6 Tammuz 5766 * 2 July 2006: "RFC 3092 - Etymology of 'Foo'"
Greetings.
Today’s news and commentary:
Aaron
Today’s news and commentary:
- Doonesbury 2006-07-02
- “Saudi refuses to play Israeli in computer game "world cup"” (Obviously the Saudi is so lousy a player that he could not possibly win. He would not be the first Muslim to show he is not enough of a man to beat an Israeli at any competition.)
- “Spy Agency Sought U.S. Call Records Before 9/11, Lawyers Say”
Aaron
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