Monday, January 29, 2007

‪י׳ שבט תשס״ז * 29 January 2007: National Puzzle Day


Today’s weird thing is a movie review by Barry, included below. This review is also posted at “The Official Razzies Forum: Read Reviews for EPIC MOVIE”. Enjoy and share the weirdness. You probably will not want to share the movie, though.


I ended up seeing Epic Movie, not from my own preference, but out pitying someone who wanted to see it. Needless to say, pity misapplied can have serious consequences.

I will reveal nothing of the content of this movie save this: it contains Carmen Electra painted blue and wearing nothing but a bunch of latex bumps (spoofing Mystique in the X-Men movies). As this will be available for viewing on the internet shortly, the entire rest of the movie can be safely skipped. (Those of you not interested in Carmen Electra in this manner may skip this as well.) Skipping this movie is an excellent idea because it is perhaps the worst movie ever.

This is not bad as Ed Wood was bad. This is not the kind of material which earns Golden Raspberry awards (though if it does not sweep the Razzies, there is no justice in this world). This is not bad like Battlefield Earth, Showgirls, or Catwoman. Each of these are gems compared to this film. Heck, I would rather sit through Freddie Got Fingered or George W. Bush making a State of the Union address. It is so bad, in fact, that watching a puppy be put through a meat grinder while listening to rejects from American Idol would be pleasant in comparison.

There is no word in the English language to describe how truly awful this movie is. If the word existed, it would be considered the worst obscenity ever.

I could tell you details of the awful rehash plot with poor excuses for comedic moments, but you might be traumatized. Personally, I'd rather not risk it. I was horribly traumatized by watching this thing and I might need extensive psychotherapy to get over it. If this movie was shown to prisoners, it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment. The CIA will use this movie in their "renditions" to coerce information out of people. Given the choice between this movie and suicide, suicide looks tempting. Personally, I'm going to drink myself stupid and try to get myself beaten senseless in a barfight because that's the best chance I have for getting this thing out of my head.

Guys, there are things even Carmen Electra can't fix. Trust me.
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