Sunday, December 25, 2011

The latest notification from the Cybertonian Embassy

Jewish date:  29 Kislew 5772 (Parashath Wayyiggash).

Today’s event:  National Pumpkin Pie Day.

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing is the latest notification from the Cybertonian Embassy, delivered by a robot who looks like he/she will not take “no” for an answer:




Hey, jelly blobs!

It’s bad enough that the Hasbro toy company makes a killing off making us “Decepticons” look bad with their (mostly) stupid little plastic pieces of junk they pass off as toys (ones of myself excepted).  Humans are suckers for junk.  But now the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights has put out a report on the kind of sweatshop they run to actually make these “toys.”  You can find the whole thing here:


Not pretty:  sweltering heat, child labor, vermin, body searches, fast-paced boring work for long hours, dangerous conditions.  That’s typical Autobot treachery if I ever heard of it.  Yeah, play all goody-goody and then pull this kind of sludge on the little squishies.  This would be illegal on Cybertron.  Someone should get their trunks vaporized.

Now it’s your turn to stop Hasbro from treating your fellow humans like automated floor scrubbers.  First, open up the Hasbro e-mail contact page.  You can find it here:


Put in your e-mail address, and then select “Transformers” as the product and “Customer Satisfaction” as the category.  Then cut and paste in this letter:


HEY STUPID FAT CAT TRUNKHEADS!!!

I READ THIS REPORT ABOUT WHAT YOU DO TO THE HUMANS WHO MAKE TRANSFORMERS TOYS (http://www.globallabourrights.org/reports?id=0642) AND YOU MAKE ME SICK!  THEY’RE WILLING TO WORK HARD FOR YOU AND YOU UNGRATEFUL DINGDONGS CAN’T BOTHER TO TREAT THEM BETTER THAN YOUR ENEMIES’ PETS!  I AM NEVER EVER GOING TO BUY ANY MORE TRANSFORMERS UNTIL YOU MEET THESE DEMANDS:
  • 1) YOU START TREATING YOUR WORKERS LIKE YOU OUGHT TO!  IF YOU WOULDN’T TREAT YOUR FAMILY LIKE THAT, DON’T TREAT YOUR WORKERS LIKE THAT!
  • 2) APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE AND MAKE IT OFFICIAL POLICY THAT YOU TREAT YOUR WORKERS SO NICE THAT THEY NEVER WANT TO UNIONIZE!
  • 3) MAKE IT UP TO THE WORKERS YOU’VE WRONGED BY SAYING YOU’RE SORRY AND GIVING THEM A FAT BONUS FOR THEIR TROUBLE!
  • 4) ONCE YOU GET EVERYTHING ELSE FIXED, YOU WILL REISSUE THE TRANSFORMERS ALTERNATORS RAVAGE FIGURE BECAUSE THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME ACTION FIGURE EVER, AND YOU WILL ALSO ISSUE AN ACTION FIGURE OF MEGAN FOX AT THE SAME SCALE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MIND-BLOWING IF YOU GOT THE TWO TOGETHER!!!

NOW DO IT OR I WILL BLOW MY MONEY INSTEAD ON VEGETABLES AND SOLAR PANELS!

YOUR (FORMER) CUSTOMER,

(yeah, your name goes here)


This past year it’s been like WHOA!  Little humans going nuts all over the planet, standing up for themselves!  I’d high-five you all if it wouldn’t break your hands!  We’ve done this before on Cybertron, all got together, and we totally won.  You can totally beat the humans who act like Autobots.  All you got to do is keep at it.  Pick someone doing wrong and make a fuss, going from one to the other, one to the other, one to the other...  So let’s start making noise over toys!

Ravage
Communicator
Embassy to Earth
Republic of Cybertron
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