Monday, September 5, 2005

1 'Elul 5765/5 September 2005: Ro'sh Hodhesh Elul/Jewish New Year for Animal Tithes/Labor Day

Greetings, and happy new year.

Political forecast: Due to the recent death of Judge Renquhist, expect heavy partisan bickering for the next few weeks with a sizable chance of filibusters. No doubt George W. Bush’s failure to prepare in advance for Hurricane Katrina and his slow response afterwards will be brought up, and his popularity ratings will continue to fall.

Yesterday I watched some episodes of Mork and Mindy, among them “Mork Runs Away”. In this episode, according to Exidor of the Friends of Venus, the Venusians will come on Labor Day to blow up the Earth. However, they are allegedly sending a spaceship to take 1,000 humans to Venus where they will have condominiums with hot-and-cold-running champagne and underwater dancing. Unfortunately, I did not find a transcript of this utter silliness on-line, so today’s weird thing will be a little something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.



"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the synagogue/church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the synagogue/church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"
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