Today’s news and commentary:
- “Help the Palestinian Authority (1997)”
- “Abbas requests release of 100 prisoners” (Hey, ‘Abbas, you already got 255! How about about getting those Israeli prisoners released and stopping the terrorism against Israel instead? Israel is not supporting you because they think it is fun to grant you boons!)
- “Fundraiser to feature machine guns” (Because nothing says “family” like shooting machine guns. Since when was encouraging gun ownership a good idea? And even though there are legitimate uses for guns, what sort of person has any use for a military-strength weapon?)
- “Did Cheney interfere with Endangered Species Act?” (All who believe he did not, stand on your head.)
- “Number of environmental cops decreasing” (Submitted by Barry.)
- “Terror Propaganda: LA Times Publishes Responses”
Hello. I am Lord Voldemort, made famous by J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series. In this series, Ms. Rowling goes to great lengths to slander me, depicting me in the most negative light conceivable. As such, I would like to take this opportunity to spoil the ending of the last book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, for those who have not finished it yet.
The true villain turns out to be Neville Longbottom, who has been pretending to be even more pathetic than Dobby the House Elf to evade detection. It is Neville who is behind everything horrible that happens to Harry Potter, even Dudley Dursley being a spoiled jerk. Harry is on the verge of defeating Neville, but he is stabbed in the back—literally—by Ginny Weasley, who has discovered that Harry only dated her as a way to get close to her brother Ron. Ginny in turn is stabbed in the back by Ron, who is sick and tired of Ginny ruining his life. Ron is stabbed in the back by Hermione Granger, who only dated Ron as a way to get close to Ginny. Hermione is stabbed in the back by that weird kid Luna Lovegood, who envied how much attention she got, and Luna is stabbed in the back by Nearly-Headless Nick, who thinks she is too annoying to live. And so there is a long chain of back-stabbing which goes on until no one is left but Dobby the House Elf and Neville Longbottom. Dobby deliberately tries not to stab Neville in the back, but since he is so utterly incompetent, he stabs him anyway 17 times. With no one left to stop him, Dobby becomes the King of England. Thus ends the story of Harry Potter.