Friday, December 30, 2005

29 Kislew 5766/30 December 2005: Hanukkah, day 5

Greetings.

For shame: “Immigration bill outrages activists”.

Here’s something you don’t see every day: A Lubavitcher rabbi takes on psychics.

And now for today’s selection of religious fallacies. The names of Jewish and pseudo-Jewish movements and groups, as well as a corresponding section for Christian movements and groups, are highly likely to get spun off into a separate list. And I do realize a lot of what I claim is “politically incorrect”.

Names of Jewish and pseudo-Jewish movements and groups:
“Conservative Judaism” (Not actually conservative or Judaism.)
Haredhim” (Name means “those who tremble [before God]”, which is presumptive since they have no monopoly on trembling before God.)
Hasidhim” (Name means “pious”, which is presumptive since they have no monopoly on piety.)
“Jewish Revival” (Not really Judaism, and the “revival” is by doping it with Buddhism and Sufism)
“Jewish Science” (Not really Judaism or science.)
Masorti Judaism” (Masorti means “traditional”, but this movement is based on a violation of tradition. Not actually Judaism.)
“Messianic Judaism” (Actually Jewish-rite Christianity.)
Neture Qarta’” (Group of radically pacifist Haredhim. Name means “guardians of the city”, which is inappropriate since they want to give Israel to hostile Arabs, which is the reverse of guarding.)
“Modern Orthodox” (Not actually modern. Having favorable views of general knowledge has a very long tradition in Judaism, at least to the Second Temple Period.)
“Orthodox Judaism” (“Orthodox” means “right-believing”. Orthodox Judaism actually emphasizes correct practice over correct belief.)
“Progressive Judaism” (“Progressive” is a gloss to cover up heresy. Not actually Judaism.)
“Reconstructionist Judaism” (Makes it sound like they are putting something back together, even though they are gutting the religion and leaving nothing but a shell of culture. Not actually Judaism.)
“Reform Judaism” (“Reform” glosses over the fact that the “reforms” are in gross violation of the Jewish meta-rules for changing rules. Not actually Judaism.)
“Traditional Judaism” (Violates tradition by specifically allowing mixed seating in synagogue, despite all legitimate precedent being to the contrary. Not actually Judaism.)

Judaism (including heretical movements that do not properly qualify as such), by Jews:
“A girl becomes a bath miswah at 13.” (Reform Judaism)
“A Jew is anyone who believes in Judaism.”
“All innovation is forbidden.”
“Anything which is discontinued is automatically nullified.” (Zechariah Frankel)
“‘Bar miswah’ and ‘bath miswah’ refer to ceremonies.”
“Being a non-Orthodox or nonobservant Jew is just as good as being an Orthodox Jew.”
“Being lenient is a virtue.” • ESAOF: “Being strict is a virtue.”
“Blaming women for the ills of society is a virtue.”
“Eating something sweet on Ro’sh hashShanah causes one to have a sweet year.”
“Emphasizing one’s femininity is a virtue.”
Hanukkah is the Jewish Christmas.” (Popular American misconception)
Hanukkah primarily celebrates one day’s worth of oil burning for eight days.”
“If you know the reason for a practice, you have no reason to perform it any longer.” (Reconstructionist Judaism)
“Ignorance is a virtue.” (Ignoramuses trying to get out of learning.)
“In the absence of a minyan, there is no point in praying in a synagogue.”
“Incompetence is a virtue.” (Incompetent trying to get out of improving himself.)
“It is OK to drive on Shabbath to go to synagogue.” (Non-Orthodox movements)
“Homosexuality is permissible.”
“It is permissible for a kohen to marry a divorcée.”
“It is permissible for a man and a woman who are not married to each other to dance together.” (Fiddler on the Roof, The Frisco Kid)
“It is permissible for a man and a woman to dance together in public.” (Fiddler on the Roof, The Frisco Kid)
“It is permissible for a woman whose husband died without even a single child to remarry without halisah.”
“Jews believe that Ezra is the Son of God.” (Qur’an 9)
“Judaism refers to any belief or religious practice subscribed to by Jews.”
“Modern Orthodox Judaism is more modern than other forms of Orthodox Judaism.”
“Non-Jews may be called up to read from the Torah.”
“Obliterating differences in practice or obligation between men and women is a virtue.”
“Prayer is a replacement for sacrifice and the synagogue a replacement for the Temple.”
“Praying with a minyan is more important than praying at the proper time.”
“Premarital sex is permissible.”
“Reform Judaism and the denominations descended from it (Conservative, Masorti, Traditional, Neologue, Reconstructionist, Humanistic) are Judaism.”
“Saying the qaddish is the only reason for going to synagogue.”
Shabbath ends at sunset, and it is permissible to ride a horse immediately afterwards.” (The Frisco Kid)
“The Hasidhim are an extremely Orthodox group.”
“The important thing about qiddush is to drink some of the wine/grape juice.”
“The Messiah will never come, and the Temple will never be rebuilt.”
“The order of the sedher is not important.”
“The qaddish is a prayer for the dead.”
“The tallith is a shawl and should be worn thusly.”
“The tefillah shel ro’sh should be worn off-center on the forehead, and the knot of the tefillah shel yadh should never be in contact with the tefillah shel yadh itself.”
“The Torah can be changed in any generation.”
“There is an Orthodox Jewish movement.”
“The Western Wall is Judaism’s holiest site.”
“We can rely on the Documentary Hypothesis.”
“We will never return to Israel.”
Yom Kippur ends at sunset, and it is permissible to eat immediately afterwards.” (Northern Exposure)

Judaism, by non-Jews:
“Food is kasher if a rabbi blesses it.” (Someone in Middleton High School between 1990-1994)
“Essene texts are binding on modern Jews.” (Idiot vegetarian)
“Jews have horns and tails.” (Christian anti-Semites)
“Jews kill gentile children and use their blood to make unleavened bread for Passover.” (Christian anti-Semites)
“The Holocaust never happened or was not as bad as claimed.” (Anti-Semites)
“The Jews are conspiring against the entire planet.” (Anti-Semites)
“The Jews are the cause of everything going wrong on the planet.” (Anti-Semites)
The Protocols of the Elders of Zion are real.” (Anti-Semites)

Enjoy, and happy Hanukkah, and Shabbath shalom.

Aaron
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