Sunday, December 25, 2005

24 Kislew 5766/25 December 2005: National Pumpkin Pie Day/Christmas

Greetings.

Notice: Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, and I get to try out my brand-new windproof menorah outside.

Reminder: Enter The Weird Thing of the Day Dune Fantastic Religion Contest for a chance to win fame and glory, and to get to pick the weird thing of the day for a week. All entries must be submitted before sundown (5:19 PM EST) to count!

Special bonus: A while back I heard about a song called “I'm Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek” (lyrics here). This made me think about how it would be possible for a Dalek to be Christmassy in any way, shape, or form, since, as many of know, Daleks are war-mongering cyborgs from the famous British science-fiction show Doctor Who. This is the solution I reached:

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM.

The room is decorated for Christmas. Two boys and a girl, all in pajamas, are hiding behind a sofa, waiting for someone. Suddenly, a black box the size of a telephone booth materializes.

CHILDREN
(abandoning their hiding place)
He's here! He's here!

The black box opens up, and out come a Dalek and a Cyberman. The Dalek is painted green, has silvery hemispheres on his skirt, and is wearing a Santa Claus hat. The Cyberman is wearing a rubber clown nose and a Santa Claus hat, and he is carrying a big sack filled with something.

DALEK
(happily)
Hello, children! I am Santa Dalek, and this is my assistant, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Cyberman.

RUDOLPH
Merry Christmas!

CHILDREN
Yay!

SANTA DALEK
We have come bearing gifts for all the good human children on the planet Earth. Beverly, you have been very good this year, and thus you get—

RUDOLPH
(producing a doll from his sack)
A dolly!

GIRL
(taking the doll from Rudolph)
Thank you, Santa Dalek and Rudolph.

SANTA DALEK AND RUDOLPH
You're welcome.

SANTA DALEK
And you, Gilbert, have also been very good this year. Therefore you get—

RUDOLPH
(producing a toy truck from his sack)
A truck!

BOY #1
(taking the truck)
Thanks, guys!

SANTA DALEK AND RUDOLPH
You're welcome.

SANTA DALEK
Troy, you have been bad this year; very, very bad. Therefore you will be—
(starts shooting laser beams)
EXTERMINATED!

The children start running away, screaming.

SANTA DALEK
EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!


Today’s weird thing is what some consider the worst movie of all time, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. I have seen part of it being attacked on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I can testify that it is ludicrously bad. Strangely enough, this monstrosity is public domain and available at the Internet Archive. This may be due to the people who made it disowning it completely. Enjoy.

Aaron
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