Late-breaking fake news: The International Procrastination Society has launched a campaign to save the wooly mammoths.
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A movie star and a missionary were returning to the United States on a boat. When the boat docked, there was a red carpet, a limousine, a band and hundreds of adoring fans who had come to welcome the movie star back home.
The missionary watched all this and then quietly, alone, got off the boat. There was no red carpet, no limousine, no band and no one at all to greet and welcome the missionary back home.
The missionary, tired and depressed, prayed to God, “It would be so nice to just once be met with a red carpet, a limousine and band and by people happy to see me.”
God replied, “You forget one thing…you aren’t home yet.”
A man, preparing to settle his affairs, made a deal with God that he could bring one suitcase with his most important possessions with him when he died and came to heaven. After putting all his affairs in order and packing his suitcase, he died, and arrived at the pearly gates.
St. Peter explained to the man that he was not allowed to bring anything into heaven with him.
The man replied that he had a special dispensation to bring one suitcase with him.
St. Peter checked, and sure enough, this man was allowed to bring one suitcase with him. So, St. Peter asked the man to open it so that he check the contents.
The man opened the suitcase to show it completely full of gold bars.
St. Peter looked in the suitcase, unimpressed, and exclaimed, “Paving material!?”
A couple were very much in love and were actively planning their wedding. As they were driving one day they were involved in an accident and were killed. When they got to the pearly gates they were upset that they had missed getting married and asked St. Peter if they could still get married. St. Peter said he didn’t know but would go check. He left.
Time went by and the couple talked, and after a while they began to wonder if maybe getting married wasn’t the best choice to make. After several months, St. Peter returned and said, “Yes. You can get married in heaven.”
The man said, “We’ve given it some thought, and if the marriage doesn’t work out, will we be able to get a divorce?”
St. Peter looked at the couple in disbelief. “I just spent three months finding a minister here in heaven and now you want me to find a lawyer?”