Today’s news and commentary:
- “The Car”
- “Vatican trying to avoid baptism by proxy”
- “Cops trap man in lie when he identifies himself as felon”
- “Outlawing the Pig”
- “The BBC's Birthday Present to Israel”
Aaron
I AM DALEK THAY. THE DALEKS ARE THE SWORN ENEMIES OF THE DOCTOR. WE DO NOT SEEK TO DESTROY THE DOCTOR OUT OF PETTY REVENGE, BUT BECAUSE THE DOCTOR IS THE GREATEST MENACE TO THE UNIVERSE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED IN THIS OR ANY OTHER TIMELINE. BELOW YOU WILL FIND THE DETAILS OF AN INCIDENT THAT HAPPENED THREE YEARS AGO WHICH SHOWS WHAT SORT OF CARNAGE WHICH FOLLOWS WHEREVER THE DOCTOR GOES. THIS IS WHY IF YOU MEET THE DOCTOR, EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! HAVE A NICE DAY.
CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—EXT. RIVERSIDE
Susan Foreman (the Doctor’s 16-year-old granddaughter) and David Campbell (her admirer) are standing outside the TARDIS.
CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
During all the years I’ve been taking care of you, you in return have been taking care of me.
SUSAN (ON SCANNER)
(taking her TARDIS key from around her neck)
Grandfather, I belong with you!
Not any longer, Susan. You’re still my grandchild and always will be. But now, you’re a woman, too.
CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—EXT. RIVERSIDE
I want you to belong somewhere, to have roots of your own. With David, you’ll be able to find those roots, live normally like any woman should do.
CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM
Believe me, my dear, your future lies with David and not with a silly old buffer like me. One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine.
(reaching for the controls)
Good-bye, Susan. Good-bye, my dear.
(With a pained look on his face, he activates the controls...)
CLIP FROM “THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH”—EXT. RIVERSIDE
The TARDIS dematerialises. Susan, still holding her TARDIS key, walks into the now empty space and presses the air. She looks at the ground and then into the sky. David joins her and holds out his hand.
Susan?… Susan?
Susan takes his hand.
He knew... he knew you could never leave him.
Susan looks closely at her key, then drops it on the ground, then walks off hesitantly with David.
INT. PUB.
The place is sparsely populated. There is a bartender working behind the bar. Sitting at the bar is an anxious-looking, red-haired female of apparent college age, wearing loudly-coloured clothes which are a size too big for her. She is drinking whiskey and reading a thick book in an unfamiliar script.
CAPTION: 162 YEARS EARLIER...
A man in a radiation suit approaches her. She turns towards him.
(Irish accent)
Top of the evening to you! Couldn’t get enough of me; now could you?
(British accent)
Actually, I’m just confused about what happened yesterday, and I was hoping you could explain.
That’s life for you. A lot of it doesn’t make sense. Makes life more interesting; don’t you think?
But I want it to make sense. Besides, you look like you need to talk about something.
You’re reacting to my pheromones. Cool.
Eh, you don’t want to go there. A good dose of whisky’s what I need before I get back to work. Talking can’t even scratch the surface of my problems.
On the contrary, I’ve made a career out of helping people, and in my experience, it does help for people to unburden themselves by talking about their problems, even if the help is purely emotional.
Well, even if I did talk about my problems, you wouldn’t believe them. You’d think I was daft.
Not necessarily. I make it a point to believe six impossible things before breakfast every day. I really do.
(smiling slightly)
Oh, really?
Honestly. Considering how bizarre the universe we live in is, it pays to keep an open mind.
How open are we talking?
The sky’s the limit.
Then see if you can wrap your mind around what really happened yesterday…
SMASH CUT TO: EXT. RAY AND MARIA STATA CENTER (32 VASSAR STREET, CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS) AT THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY—NIGHT.
This “post-modern” building looks like it was designed by Pablo Picasso. There is a large lorry parked in front of it. Other buildings on the street are similarly surreal or look like fairly normal turn-of-the-millennium college buildings.
Blast! I’m going to be late!
The woman from the pub runs out from behind the lorry, down Vassar Street, and turns more or less south at the first opportunity.
INT. TARDIS.
This is not the TARDIS we are familiar with. This one is cramped, about the size of a small apartment with metal walls and a concrete floor. The TARDIS is filled with furniture from a dozen different eras and machinery that looks like it comes straight out of 1960s science-fiction. Bookshelves, densely crammed, cover most of three walls. Gathered in one corner are a makings of a mixed Victorian-Baroque bedroom, and in another is a rudimentary mid-20th century kitchen. Another corner is walled off except for a closed door. There are a few other doors in odd positions. In the centre of it all is a time rotor—mostly constructed of metal pipes, clear plastic rods, and duct tape—connected to a 21st century computer with a desktop-sized multi-touch screen. Tethered with optical cables to the console is a quadrupedal robot about half a meter tall which jitters about nervously.
Alarms are screaming, and a blond-haired, rather frazzled woman apparently in her 30s, dressed in loose, black, practically Victorian clothes, is frantically operating a plethora of virtual controls on the console computer screen.
(alarm beep)
Mauve alert. Fluid links overheating.
They’ll hold. Now stop complaining.
(alarm beep)
Mauve alert. Fluid links overheating.
Thank you. That’ll be all. Now get me to the 49th century.
(alarm beep)
Mauve alert. Fluid links overheating.
Sparks and smoke erupt from the time rotor.
What the—
Sparks and smoke erupt from the time rotor.
Mauve alert. Vortex turbulence encountered.
Don’t you dare!
TITLE SEQUENCE WITH TITLE:
The TARDIS depicted is not the usual one; rather it has the appearance of a large, blue wardrobe. Instead of ending at the normal time, the entire full-length theme is played. During this extra time we are shown scenes of the woman from the pub rushing through the campus of MIT and the time traveller frantically trying to control her TARDIS. With the last measure we cut to:
EXT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING (142 MEMORIAL DRIVE, CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS), SOUTH SIDE—NIGHT.
It is a “beaux-arts” four-story building with steps leading up to it. It is wet outside. There is rock music being played inside the building.
The woman from the pub arrives, breathing deeply.
Suddenly the TARDIS depicted in the title sequence materialises right in front of her on the sidewalk by the front steps. The door opens, revealing the time traveller, coughing.
(under her breath)
Lousy cheap time rotor made of—
Glad to see you, Doctor! I’ve been expecting you.
The time traveller looks shocked.
[CONVENIENT PLACE FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK]
EXT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, SOUTH SIDE—NIGHT.
The time traveller stands in the doorway of her TARDIS, looking shocked
Excuse me?
Oh, you don’t have any idea who I am. But I know you very well in your future.
OK, in here, now. I don’t want to talk about this in public.
Susan retreats into the TARDIS, and Piper follows her.
INT. TARDIS.
Susan closes the door after Piper. Then she picks up a large-bore laser weapon and points it at her.
Who are you? And by Omega, Rassilon, and the Other, you’d better give me a good answer. I’m not afraid to use this!
How would you know that?
To the point, please! Now how do I know you actually know me in the future?
Your given name is—
Say it, and I shall beat you silly with this ray gun. I hate that name that much.
I’m wearing your clothes.
Those ugly things? You could take them the moment I throw them away. I only keep them as spares, and their only virtue is—
—they don’t show off enough to make one look like a whore. Of course, if they did, everyone could tell—
Do not discuss Gallifreyan anatomy, please!
You were born in the 49th century, this is your second incarnation, and you believe that because of “the Time War” between Gallifrey and the Daleks you may be the last of the Time Lords.
But you suspect your grandfather, also known as “the Doctor”, may have also survived, since you’ve found various historical references to a “Doctor” which don’t fit you. However, you’ve never found him, so you think they’re probably just distorted versions of your own misadventures.
Less than a month after your grandfather abandoned you on Earth in 2167, you and David Campbell broke up, and you spent 31 years on Earth, recreating Gallifreyan technology for a government that was the only thing protecting you from popular anti-extraterrestrial paranoia. After you built your own TARDIS—this TARDIS—you left and have been wandering up and down the history of Earth ever since.
You hate jelly babies. You think they taste vile and would rather eat chalk.
Susan looks surprised.
You developed this hatred at the start of your current incarnation. You can’t understand why anyone would claim that you had saved their life in another incarnation and give you a big jar of jelly babies to say “thank you”. You nearly gagged eating a few out of politeness and chucked the jar under your bed the first chance you could.
Who told you that?
Beat.
Susan drops the ray gun, which clatters on the concrete floor.
I’m where?
EXT. EAST CAMPUS COURTYARD—NIGHT.
[Note: Directions given are logical, not physical.]
Susan and Piper are standing at the south end of the East Campus Courtyard, which is between two brick-shaped buildings. There is a lot of grass, some pathways, many trees, a “landing pad” for time travellers (with plastic wrap-covered milk and cookies for any that might show up), and a De Lorean DMC-12.
(enthusiastically)
It’s Saturday night, May 7, 2005, at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States of America, Earth. They were supposed to hold the Time Traveler Convention in this courtyard, but because of rain they decided to hold it over there—
(points towards building to the south)
—the Walker Memorial Building, to the west of the tennis courts.
(with feelings of dread)
And who is there?
Mostly MIT students and faculty. Though they’ve got a couple of people from nearby schools there, too.
No time travellers?
Not that anyone’s noticed. Of course, there are several people claiming to be time travellers.
Susan looks a bit confused.
Some are faculty or staff, but mostly they’re people dressing up as characters from time travel movies. Though anomalously there are two people dressed up like Dorothy and Toto from The Wizard of Oz and another wearing a really fake-looking grey alien mask.
Lovely. I’ve fallen among silly people.
Hey, it’s just good, clean fun—
I don’t care about fun, young lady. Just so long as real time travellers besides me don’t show up.
A damp Caucasian man, past student age, holding a can of Tab and a cardboard sign reading “THANKS FOR WARNING US ABOUT THE WEATHER YOU TIME-TRAVELLING JERKS” walks by.
I didn’t even know I was coming.
There’s no paradox scheduled for today.
They’re never scheduled, Piper. I’ve been encountering paradoxes ever since I built my TARDIS. With the Time Lords gone, there’s no civilisation out there policing time, so whenever they happen, they run riot instead of being clamped down on. There are some beasties out there which help clean things up, but they don’t handle everything. I’m the only sentient being out there doing anything about it, and that’s not saying much. History’s turned into such a horrible mess that after 1963 it’s unrecognisable.
(beat)
I’m leaving. There’s no way in Hell I’m going to risk a paradox tonight, so just direct me to a good restaurant, and I’ll leave you to enjoy the camaraderie of the other silly people.
Susan starts moving north through the East Campus Courtyard, with Piper in tow.
You’re fretting over nothing, Doctor. Go, attend, and enjoy the freak show. Have fun.
No, thank you, Miss Piper. I’m not suicidal.
No, no, no!
You need the vacation! You need to enjoy yourself! You need some excitement!
I have had more than enough excitement, Miss Piper, for all thirteen of my lifetimes. Now, considering my TARDIS and its utterly shoddy time rotor tripped over some turbulence in the temporal vortex, I’m going to wait a few days before dematerialising so I don’t risk exploding it. If I have to be here, I might as well spend some of it somewhere I can get better food than the last—
They come to a halt.
Is something wrong?
(pointing straight ahead)
Very much so.
Approaching them from the north is a nondescript woman in a business suit.
There’s something wrong with… that’s not a human. That’s a Quux!
Funny how the Quux look amazingly like a zillion other species. You’d think there’d be a bit more variation in the Universe.
You don’t want to know what sort of abuse of spacetime travel caused that.
(sighs)
There goes my first chance for a decent meal in 20 years. I’m going back to the TARDIS and see if the scanners can pick up anything that’ll tell me what’s going on here.
Why don’t you just ask the Quux?
Right before I arrived here, I defeated a swarm of Wirrn—which are—
Something like huge sentient wasps.
—something like huge sentient wasps—who were trying to conquer Earth in the 19th century. I’m really not feeling confrontational.
Thank you, no.
Susan reverses direction and starts walking south, with Piper following.
Really, it’s no trouble at all.
(facing Piper; echoey, with hypnotic sound effects)
I am the Doctor. You will—
That never worked on me, Susan.
(continuing walking away from the Quux; under her breath)
Grandfather, add “silly, violent would-be companions who are immune to hypnotism” to the list of things that are all your fault.
Hey, I’m not that bad.
Kindly leave me alone, young lady. I have important things to do, and I don’t need you getting in the way.
Susan halts and looks left. Piper follows suit. Approaching from that direction is another business-suited Quux.
Piper instinctively looks right, and Susan follows suit. There is a third, similarly dressed Quux coming from that direction.
Beautiful! I’m itching for a fight, and now I’ve got a whole pack of Quux! Which one do you want to hit?
Unless you know a fight’s supposed to take place, we run for it on the count of one.
Spoilsport.
(snort)
Fine. One.
Susan and Piper run for it. They dash between the Walker Memorial Building and the tennis courts and come to a screeching halt when they see a Fendahl Core (a metallic-skinned humanoid with funky hair) wearing loose mylar-like robes and silvery wrap-around sunglasses approaching from the south.
It’s a Fendahl Core! Ninety degrees right, now!
Piper and Susan run into the Walker Memorial Building.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, LOBBY.
The lobby is filled with people, mostly college students with a few faculty and various other people. Most people there are talking to each other amicably. There is rock music playing in an adjacent room. Two people of student age are dressed as Dorothy and Toto from The Wizard of Oz (1939 MGM film), and an Asian teenage girl even younger is wearing fuzzy magenta antennae and photographing people with a cell phone. There are also large glass windows facing east.
Susan and Piper run into the lobby and look around. Susan points to the far end of the group, and she and Piper skirt around a number of puzzled people and crouch down in the back.
Any inquiries into why Susan and Piper did what they did are aborted by the arrival of the Fendahl Core outside. With much trepidation, the Fendahl Core enters the building.
Many people decide the Fendahl Core, who looks terrified, is not worth their attention and go back to chatting. However, a few do notice her, including the girl with the fuzzy magenta antennae, who takes a picture.
(American accent)
Is that supposed to be a liquid metal Terminator costume?
The Fendahl Core looks puzzled.
SAME RANDOM STUDENT
You know,
(bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression)
I’ll be back.
FENDAHL CORE
(extremely deliberately, American accent)
I… do... not… know.
“DOROTHY”
(American accent)
Don’t be silly.
(to the Fendahl Core)
You’re probably going for some variation on the Tin Man; aren’t you?
Beat.
FENDAHL CORE
I... seek... two... Doctors.
RANDOM PERSON
(American accent)
Will I do? I’m a doctor.
FENDAHL CORE
I—
SAME RANDOM PERSON
If you’re wearing sunglasses at night, you probably have something wrong with your eyes. Good thing I’m an ophthalmologist. Why don’t we go down to my office and take those sunglasses off so we can have a look at those peepers?
The Fendahl Core looks horrified. Before the ophthalmologist can do anything, she dashes out of the building.
You know,
(bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression)
I’ll be back.
(extremely deliberately, American accent)
I… do... not… know.
(American accent)
Don’t be silly.
(to the Fendahl Core)
You’re probably going for some variation on the Tin Man; aren’t you?
Beat.
I... seek... two... Doctors.
(American accent)
Will I do? I’m a doctor.
I—
If you’re wearing sunglasses at night, you probably have something wrong with your eyes. Good thing I’m an ophthalmologist. Why don’t we go down to my office and take those sunglasses off so we can have a look at those peepers?
The Fendahl Core looks horrified. Before the ophthalmologist can do anything, she dashes out of the building.
(puzzled)
What’d I do?
CUT TO: SUSAN AND PIPER STANDING UP.
Both, along with many other people present, look puzzled. Susan moves towards the hallway, and Piper follows.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, HALLWAY.
Susan and Piper are standing in the hallway.
What? You’re still following me?
PIPER
Yes, I am. That was cowardly of us back there. We should have—
The Fendahl are overwhelmingly powerful telepaths, young lady. Head-on confrontation won’t work against them. Trust me on this. I’ve dealt with them before.
But we could have hit her—
Susan gives Piper a stern look.
OK, maybe we couldn’t have done anything, at least not without wrecking the timeline. Still, Doctor, er, Susan, for a Fendahl Core, that was just… odd behaviour; wasn’t it?
Exceedingly odd.
That eye doctor was cute. Why wouldn’t she want to be alone with him?
Susan has a look of “What sort of lunatic have I been stuck with?” on her face.
Oh, yeah, that’s pretty odd behaviour, too. The Quux couldn’t have scared her off; could they?
I haven’t seen his TARDIS.
I know what police boxes look like. They do have them in museums, you know.
Oh. It doesn’t matter anyway. Grandfather might have fixed that broken chameleon circuit by now or just materialised his TARDIS somewhere we can’t see it. But what would a Fendahl Core want with me and another “Doctor”? And how would she know I’m here in the first place?
This is the Time Traveler Convention! They’re asking people to leave notes for the future so they go back in time and attend. Obviously someone who attended advertised that there would be “two Doctors” here.
That explains how. Gallifrey isn’t the only civilisation to invent time travel. And if we assume she is being careful not to change the timeline and not reveal the existence of extraterrestrials too soon, it also explains why the Fendahl Core was hesitant to go inside where the light was bright.
People might have been able to tell she wasn’t wearing a costume. She certainly wasn’t eager to let that cute eye doctor see her eyes; they’d have been a dead give-away she wasn’t human.
Correct. Which means if your friend is trying to attack me in some way, she wants to do it somewhere no one notices so history isn’t changed.
So let’s go somewhere people can see us, Doc—Susan.
Where is everyone concentrated at this Convention?
(American accent)
Morss Hall.
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: THE ASIAN TEENAGE GIRL WEARING FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE BEHIND SUSAN AND PIPER.
Susan and Piper turn around to find the teenager behind them. She is holding a cell phone and takes a picture of them.
What? You’re, like, pretending to be time travellers, and you’re expecting anyone to believe you? Get real! Who’s gonna believe that a woman in weird makeup is really an alien? The whole thing’s lamer than the guys pretending to be Bill and Ted.
Susan gives Piper an enquiring look, and Piper shrugs.
So maybe I’m not a time traveller. Which way is Morss Hall?
It’s workable.
But we can’t go there!
Beat.
So? If she’s not going where people can see she’s not human, we’ll be safe there.
Lame-o! Assuming telepathy actually exists—and it doesn’t—if it can go through glass, why can’t it go through brick just as well?
It can. But that Fendahl Core is being very, very careful not to change history—and that includes not tampering with anyone’s mind. I can’t even sense trace exploratory signals from her. And I’m not going to needlessly tempt a Fendahl Core to do anything that might change history. Where can we go quickly where lots of people will see us but she won’t?
Upstairs, fourth floor. They set up a room for the overflow crowd. You can watch the lectures and stuff on a big-screen TV.
(points)
Thanks.
Susan and Piper run off.
Susan and Piper reach the lift doors. Piper pushes the “up” button.
Could the Fendahl be changing strategy?
Perhaps. Maybe it’s just me and Grandfather they want. I’ve dealt with the Fendahl a few times.
The lift doors open.
(as she and Piper enter the lift)
I’ve even heard Grandfather once dealt with them.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING—LIFT.
[Note: Floor numbers given are American-style, with the first floor being the ground floor.]
(pushing the button for the fourth floor)
Still, this all feels wrong—
(beat)
What are you still doing here, young lady?
Going to the fourth floor with you, of course. I don’t want to miss out on all the fun.
Trust me: you don’t want to be my companion. What we’re dealing with is anything but “fun”.
I’m from your future. You never showed any sign of knowing when I died; therefore I survive.
Liar. Most humans can’t smell it, but your pheromones are screaming—
Young lady, the less said about anyone’s pheromones, the better!
It’s perfectly understandable wanting companionship, Susan. You’ve been wandering Earth’s history so long in search of other Gallifreyans. Only you’ve seen so many people die horribly you’re afraid to let anyone near you.
The lift doors open.
(exits the lift)
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING—FOURTH FLOOR.
Piper steps out of the lift. She and Susan proceed into a large room with a huge television showing Dr Alan Guth lecturing on why time travellers are not attending the Convention. Many people, the same sort of crowd as downstairs—including in the back a man with long, blond hair in a ponytail wearing a grey alien mask (and a white T-shirt and jeans) and someone next to him in a radiation suit (the man from the pub, in fact)—are sitting on folding chairs watching. Susan and Piper look around. Susan sits down next to the man in the alien mask, and Piper sits down next to Susan.
(American accent)
Good evening, Doctor Who. I’ve been expecting you.
She’s a bit oversensitive about—
Be quiet, Piper!
(to Alien Mask Man)
My name is “Susan Foreman”.
The title is an affectation, and the middle name makes no sense for someone trying pass herself off as a British human most of the time. And everyone calls you “the Doctor” or “Doctor Who”.
Don’t toy with me, Doctor. This would be the part where you tell me the Doctor is your grandfather and give me a sob story about how he cruelly abandoned you among primitives because you uncovered the evil plot he and his mistress hatched to conquer Gallifrey.
That’s not the story I got from you.
That’s because it isn’t what happened. He was a jerk, not a conspirator.
It doesn’t matter. There is much information given on “the Doctor” in the authoritative The History of Time Travel by Euphoria. Euphoria is undecided whether the Doctor is an individual or a dynasty, suggesting that there may be anything from one to seven Doctors. But whether this “Curtis” Doctor you claim is your grandfather—
(annoyed)
His name is not “Curtis”, and he is my grandfather.
It doesn’t matter. You, the “Susan” Doctor, have the same sort of knowledge as any other Doctor does—among other things you have in common. And it just so happens that Euphoria noted that you were destined to be here.
I knew I should have read my copy of that book.
There’s a reproduction of a lovely bookmark left in a copy of Moby Dick in the MIT library advertising that you attend the Time Traveler Convention, Doctor Who—twice!
(really annoyed)
Twice?! Do you really think I’m foolish enough to cross my own timeline?
It doesn’t matter. With your knowledge and abilities, either of you are of value to us of the Foo.
(giggles)
The Foo? That bunch of morons that took 50,000 years of civilisation to pull off interstellar travel?
Piper!
Not in this timeline. We of the Foo are well aware that history has been altered by the Time Lord-Dalek Time War. With the Time Lords erased from existence except for the occasional anomaly, many other races have developed to the point of time travel without interference, including the Foo. And thus we of the Foo are posed to become a major power. And that’s why we of the Foo need you.
What for? You don’t become sentient for another million years, so your presence proves you already have time travel.
True. But we haven’t gone as far in exploring the theory and technology as the Time Lords did. No one has. And thus we have to be extremely conservative in what we do. Everyone’s afraid of changing their own history accidentally. Here and now, for instance, we are at an event where we can do and say a lot of strange things because historical records report people here and now dressing in weird clothes, doing weird things, and claiming to be time travellers, such as this weirdo sitting to my right.
(British accent)
Me? A weirdo? I am Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan!
(makes “live long and prosper” hand sign)
And I am a time traveller!
Uh-huh. This refugee from a B-movie—
I am not from a B-movie. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“Darth Vader” demonstrates my point exactly. No one here seriously believes that we’re time travellers or aliens, and so long as we don't do anything outside the parameters of known history, we’ll probably only do what we’re supposed to do. Since there was a Time War, it’s clear that history is mutable. The question everyone wants to know—be they Foo, Bar, Baz, Quux, Silurian, Sea Devil, Ice Warrior, Fendahl, Dominator, Sontaran, Jagaroth, Lurman, Peladonian, or whatever—is whether we can change history and get the results we want.
Ha!
(with a look of disgust at Piper)
Go solve the equations and do the experiments to find out.
None of us has mathematics that advanced. We know we’re at least a million years away from solving the equations. But you, Doctor, could provide us with a valuable shortcut in science and technology. Gallifrey was only below the Guardians on the scale of development. With your help, we of the Foo could get a jump on our neighbours and become the ruling power of the galaxy, if not the entire Universe.
Piper reaches to hit Alien Mask Man, but Susan restrains her.
(to Alien Mask Man)
The answer is “no”.
But think of the possibilities, Doctor. Foovonia could fill the gap left by the fall of Gallifrey, and the Universe could be reordered into a single domain of perfect harmony and peace.
Living under the thrall of a Foo empire.
Doctor—
Don’t even promise me that if I accept, I will be the Foo Empress.
The title does have a certain... ring to it.
Yes, but I don’t want the job of reordering the Universe. It was too much of a job for the entire Time Lord civilisation. Even if I wanted to help you, you’d have to be daft to think I can do it.
But, my dear Doctor, you don’t have much of a choice. You are predestined to help us.
Did a peek into the future tell you this?
No. A peek into the past did. Every record of your activities we of the Foo have seen note a great reluctance to tamper with the known course of history. And if mere records are useful to us, think of how useful observing your behaviour directly will be, free of filtering by scribes and historians. If history is really unchangeable, you will act without regard to what changes you might make to the timeline. If history is changeable, then you will have to escape from our vice without doing anything in contradiction to the reports on the Convention—and we will not make it easy by any means. Or you’ll just have to decide how much you’re willing to change history.
And what if I vaporise you all with my sonic screwdriver?
Piper looks excited by this idea.
We of the Foo doubt that would work, but you dare not do so. We returned—or rather will return—just before we left for this Convention. You cannot kill us without changing history—something you have done everything to avoid. And if you do kill us, we of the Foo here and now would be giving our lives in exchange for valuable data on how changeable history really is—a sacrifice we are willing to make. No matter what happens, you help the Foo.
His logic’s pretty good for a twit in a silly mask.
Susan bolts from the room, with Piper quick at her heels.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, FOURTH FLOOR, HALLWAY.
Piper and Susan come to a halt about as far as they can get from the viewing room while still viewable by people idling about.
(quietly)
What happens now?
I can’t tell you—
Some help you are.
(beat)
I know: my first rule of time travel.
Blast. I can’t stay here because the Foo is watching. He may have even bugged the place so he can hear this conversation. I can’t go downstairs because the Fendahl Core might see me. I don’t suppose floors two and three are occupied at this point?
Piper shrugs.
Susan bolts. Piper follows as fast as she can as soon as she can. The two head for the lift. As soon as they get there, Susan pushes the “down” button.
(gesturing)
You might want to let me hit the Foo.
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: ALIEN MASK MAN APPROACHING.
Oh, nice.
It could be worse.
Don’t say things like that, young lady.
Why not?
The lift doors open, revealing the Fendahl Core. Susan and Piper bolt instantly.
That’s why!
Correlation is not the same thing as causation!
Wait!
Susan and Piper enter a stairwell.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, STAIRWELL.
Susan and Piper head down the stairs.
I know very well that Murphy’s Law is an illusion! I just don’t like being reminded of it!
I’m improvising. You’re following.
So we’re just running?
(beat)
Stop!
Susan and Piper come to a halt. The sound of footsteps can still be heard.
Foo?
Let’s not find out.
Susan and Piper rush down the stairs.
Why do I have to deal with all the walking disasters of the Universe: psychotic Sensorites, insane Argolins—
Would you mind not saying what I’m about to say?
Susan and Piper continue their descent, the sounds of footsteps of someone behind them getting louder and louder. Suddenly, six people wearing grey alien masks, T-shirts, and jeans enter the stairwell from the floor below and start ascending. Susan and Piper turn around, only to find Alien Mask Man and five other grey alien-masked people with him descending.
Not to mention we’ll all probably get bruised from falling down the stairs and may break a few bones.
Sorry. Though this fighting idea does sound tempting. Mind if try a few Venusian karate moves on the Foo?
Yes, I do mind, young lady! There’s no possible way you could have ever visited Venusia to learn it anyway.
(to the Foo)
Unless you have records of such a thing happening here, I wouldn’t dare attack if I were you.
We are like ninjas! We blend in! No one saw us come in here, and—
You look like a bunch of idiots—
(to Alien Mask Man)
I told you—
—that they wouldn’t buy that. Yes.
Transwhatted?
Transmatted.
They teleported in here.
That’s the same bloody thing!
No, Doctor; your colleague makes an excellent point. We’re here to fight or for you to surrender. Kindly keep in mind that there are twelve of us and only two of you, not to mention that we are running out of stairs, Doctor Who, so you’d better decide whether you want to start fighting or surrendering soon.
Forget fighting. I’m 80 years old and have been fighting since I was 15. I was sick of it when I was 17.
So you’re—
But—
Therefore I invoke The Intergalactic Code of Warfare, ninth edition, page 371, 39th line, according to which we are required to discuss shoes until we find another alternative.
(to Alien Mask Man)
You’re stalling badly, Doctor.
And you are therefore totally unaware of the human coming up the stairs?
(American accent)
Wow. People around here keep getting weirder and weirder.
Everyone turns to see a familiar person below.
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: FUZZY MAGENTA ANTENNAE GIRL STANDING BELOW EVERYONE ELSE ON THE STAIRS.
(sighs)
There goes hitting the Foo.
Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl takes a picture of the scene with her cell phone.
(to Susan)
I bought these shoes at a shop run by Intefe three blocks down the street from where I work.
I had no idea Intefe were selling shoes these days.
Everyone but Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl starts discussing shoes. Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl shakes her head as she passes through the group.
As soon as Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl has passed them, Susan and Piper dash past the lower Foo down the stairs. Unable to fight with Fuzzy Magenta Antennae Girl around, the Foo are powerless to stop them. Susan and Piper exit the staircase onto the first floor.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, FIRST FLOOR.
Susan and Piper run through the hallway, skirt past many confused people in the lobby, and exit the building.
EXT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING, EAST SIDE—NIGHT.
Susan rushes out of the Walker Memorial Building with Piper in tow and heads southwards and towards the stairs.
“Can’t I just hit the Foo, Doctor?” “Can’t I just hit the Foo, Doctor?” What are you trying to do to me, Miss Piper?
—you decided to lie to me about how you were “brave” and stupid back in your lab, when you were really scared to death of the mob and screamed like a Kosnaxian sea-squirt.
And besides, where’s the TARDIS?
Beat. The two of them come to a halt.
Maybe the locality stabilisers broke again and it drifted—
No. That would make too much noise, there’s no scorching on the sidewalk, and besides, being dimensionally transcendent, only the outside would be destroyed. What was left would attract too much attention. It’s so non-Euclidean that one look at it, and you’d think you were having a nightmare. And don’t suggest the Foo destroyed it some other way. The Foo are after improved time-travel capability and timeline modification. My TARDIS might be kludged together from hopelessly primitive parts, but it probably works better than anything they have. The TARDIS is therefore still intact. Probably they transmatted it somewhere else, as stupid as that would be.
(shudders)
(deadpan)
You don’t know how much pleasure it gives me to know that you really do know me from the future.
(beat)
Extremely few races besides the Time Lords have ever mastered dimensional transcendence, which means the Foo probably have a harder time hiding their craft than I do mine. That means the craft is almost certainly invisible—
—because any alien spacecraft landing on Earth is going to put out enough energy to risk being seen—and the Foo don’t want to risk changing history.
Correct. Being invisible takes a lot of energy, as does time travel itself. So if they want to stay invisible and still get home, they can’t be very far away. They’d also want to levitate somewhere no one would accidentally run in to them, which also eats into their energy budget and limits the distance they can transmat. Therefore, I’d say their ship is...
(points to the roof of the Walker Memorial Building)
… there.
(turning to head back towards the Walker Memorial Building)
Yes! We get to go beat up the Foo!
(restraining Piper with a hand on her shoulder)
Don’t even think of it, Miss Piper.
(turning to face Susan)
Why not, Doctor? Anyone stupid enough to transmat a TARDIS is just asking for a good beating.
Piper turns to re-enter the building.
Now listen here one minute, Miss Piper—
The Fendahl Core exits the Walker Memorial Building and approaches.
(turning around and running away)
Susan dashes after Piper, and the two of them run southwards and turn right when they reach the sidewalk.
So what’s the plan now?
You have no plan.
You bet there’s no plan! That always scares the heebeejeebees out of my enemies!
Piper looks back and sees the Fendahl Core following and gaining speed.
She’s not scared yet!
Susan and Piper swerve right and dash haphazardly among the buildings of the campus. Finally they come to the eastern side of the surrealistic Ray and Maria Stata Center.
(grabbing on to Susan and pulling her to a halt)
Doctor! We can’t go this way!
Have you seen how ugly the buildings on that street are? They’re hideous. They’re tearing up the entire street to fix them. Everything’s blocked, detoured, or full of potholes.
And there are dogs that live on that street. Really mean dogs!
Poodles. Vicious attack poodles!
(swallows)
There’s something on that street from your future.
You’re from my future.
You’re supposed to meet me here. You’re not supposed to see what’s on Vassar Street!
Are you sure of this?
Positive! It’ll change history!
(beat)
Please! If you see what’s there, the me that’s here now won’t exist, because you’ll change my past.
Isn’t that against your life’s mission?
(sighs)
Alright, we’ll go—
(Canadian accent)
You’re going nowhere, Doctor Who!
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: A DOZEN QUUX SURROUNDING SUSAN AND PIPER.
Peachy. What do you want? And it had better not be help becoming a temporal superpower unless you’re prepared to be 382 times more persuasive than the Foo.
(Canadian accent)
By the authority of the Quux Republic, you’re under arrest for illegal time travel, sabotaging our time travel capabilities, and interference with our justice system. And don’t try any of that Time Lord hypnotism; it doesn’t work on our species.
Young lady, I object to my arrest on the grounds—
Not you.
(points to Piper)
Barbara, there’s no point in lying to the Quux. The jig is up.
(to Quux 1)
Very well.
(to Quux 1)
Now hold on, young lady. Under article three of the Local Group Extradition Treaty, I challenge the arrest of my
(with disdain)
associate.
What!?
You heard me. Or do they not follow the law in the Andromeda Galaxy?
And the grounds for your challenge are?
That the person in question is not the Doctor.
(to Susan)
She’s right. The History of Time Travel by Euphoria gives every last bit of information available at the time on the Doctor. This includes a picture of her with you. Though that picture identifies both of you as “the Two Doctors”, clearly whoever captioned that picture made a mistake and only your associate is the Doctor. The Doctor is well-known to appear all over the Universe, and you, Ms. Barbara, have never, ever been reported off of this primitive planet. On the other hand, we have received orders from our own future to arrest your associate for sabotaging our time travel capabilities, including this telling photograph.
Quux 1 produces a photograph of Piper fighting with Quux in toga-like outfits in a room that looks like something out of Star Trek (after the original series).
(startled at the picture)
But which Doctor do you believe she is?
Does it matter?
Yes, it does, because the Local Group Extradition Treaty specifies that no one can be extradited without specifying a unique identifier.
She’s got us there, boss.
Quiet, you!
So, which Doctor are you trying to arrest? There are as many as seven.
The Time War wiped out all the Time Lords in the Universe. But there is one who happened to be in the right place, an unusual place, when it happened. This Doctor has been travelling through Spacetime ever since, interfering in a frightening number of historical events, allegedly fighting for moral causes. This Doctor has no respect for the rights of self-governing states. This Doctor has had several companions, many eventually left in the wrong era or even dying. This Doctor has been repeatedly sighted with a robot shaped like a small quadrupedal carnivore. This Doctor travels in a time capsule shaped like a large, blue box. There is only one Doctor whom we know of who fits this description perfectly—
(pronouncing the name perfectly)
Romanadvoratrelundar!
Susan winces.
Yes,
(pronouncing the name with difficulty)
Romanadvoratrelundar!
(dramatic pause)
Lover of the likewise troublesome “Curtis” Doctor.
(visibly shocked)
Ew! Ew! Ew! That’s so gross!
“Ew”? “Gross”?
(to Quux 1)
I believe my associate just proved she has no acting ability whatsoever. She reacts viscerally like that to the notion of being the “Curtis” Doctor’s lover—
Save it, Piper. Whatever you thought you were doing, pretending to be the Doctor, you blew it.
(to Quux 1)
She’s not the humanoid you’re looking for.
She could just be acting.
(British accent)
Oh, I doubt that.
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: “DARTH VADER FROM THE PLANET VULCAN” STANDING RIGHT BEHIND QUUX 1.
I hate it when things like
(gesturing)
that happen.
(to other the Quux)
And you’re all being fined for letting this native sneak up on us!
Grumbles of unhappiness all around.
(to “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”)
Oh, I just got curious about all the other aliens running around, so I went looking for them. And my, what a lovely little extradition hearing we’re having. Heard every word of it.
(to Quux 1)
Yes, you were right. Be happy about it.
(to “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”)
You’re native to this planet—
No, I’m not. I am Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan!
(makes Vulcan “live long and prosper” sign)
Is that the Vulcan covered with deserts or the Vulcan covered with hydrocarbons?
The one covered with m—uh, gallium.
I haven’t heard of that one.
It’s only a few light-years away from—
This isn’t the time for chit-chat!
Sorry.
Mr. Vader, in your opinion, would the people of this planet believe that this woman—
(points to Piper)
—is Dr Romanadvoratrelundar Who?
Definitely not. I’m a matchmaker, assigned specifically to this planet to improve the local breed. It’s my job to know the intricacies of human behaviour. And I can assure you, a reaction like that doesn’t make any sense for humans.
She’s not human. She has two hearts, six lungs, and a liver shaped like a spiral galaxy, all of which are characteristic of the Time Lords.
(bitter)
No.
Then what case can you bring for arrest that will stand up in a court of intergalactic law?
Beat.
You win—this time.
(to Piper)
But don’t ever think of interfering with us on Quuxcorge! We’ll have a thousand years to get ready for your coming, and we will be prepared.
Quux 1 gestures to her fellow Quux, and they all march off.
(starting to move south)
Well, now, Doctor, I guess we’ll be off… no, you want to yell at me in the belief that I just tried to impersonate you.
SUSAN
I can think of a few possibilities, young lady, and I don’t like any of them.
The name’s no big deal—
If I didn’t need to get my TARDIS away from the Foo—
Don’t. You’ll regret it later. Trust me.
Trust you? You’ve been getting underfoot ever since—
Susan notices something out of the corner of her eye, turns, and sees “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” watching.
I, and I alone, am the Doctor. You will remember none of this.
(monotone)
Now go home.
Yes, Doctor. Live long and prosper, and may the force be with you.
(starts wandering off)
(to Piper)
Now—
(gasps)
ROTATE VIEW 180° TO SHOW: THE FENDAHL CORE APPROACHING FROM THE SOUTH.
ROTATE VIEW 180° TO SHOW: SUSAN AND PIPER.
New plan: don’t even think of looking to see what’s to the left on Vassar Street, and you’re thinking about bluffing me to see if I’m telling the truth.
(annoyed)
Piper and Susan run north to Vassar Street, turn right, follow it a short distance, turn right onto Main Street, and follow it until they reach Ames Street. They go south on Ames Street, pass through the East Campus Courtyard, and arrive at the Walker Memorial Building.
They look around and do not notice anyone following them, so they enter.
INT. WALKER MEMORIAL BUILDING—LIFT.
Susan and Piper enter. Piper pushes the button for the fourth floor. However, as the doors start to close, “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” appears in the distance, running for the lift.
Wait for me! You need me to be there with you! Susan, I am your—
The doors close with “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” on the far side. Susan and Piper suddenly vanish.
INT. RETRO-FUTURISTIC LABORATORY.
It is a large hall filled with all sorts of equipment that looks like it originated in a Star Wars movie, one end seemingly opening through a door onto a rooftop. Susan’s TARDIS is standing there—and so are Alien Mask Man and several other Foo, all armed with imposing-looking energy weapons. They are all now unmasked, and each has an extra eye in the middle of his/her forehead. Susan and Piper materialise in the midst of them. The Foo all point their weapons at Susan and Piper.
Welcome, Doctor, to our humble—
Young man, what sort of idiocy have you been up to?
Pardon me?
You transmatted my TARDIS! Didn’t it occur to you that transmatting a time rotor, especially a primitive one, could be dangerous?
We did our research! It’s not—
(pointing at her TARDIS)
Our teleporters are not that primitive. That would have never happened because—
It’s worse than that.
(points to various machines)
Look at that! And that! And that! This isn’t a time capsule at all. This is a time tunnel!
(to Alien Mask Man) You punched a hole in the Universe and transmatted through it!
Let her speak. Annoying as she is, she knows what she’s talking about.
Thank you, Doctor.
(to Alien Mask Man)
Your time tunnel has a Higgs drive mechanism.
It also means you’re probably leaking Z bosons. Do you know what that does to time travel at the destination end?
Susan walks over to a terminal, in defiance of the Foo, and starts punching buttons.
The destination end is not stable; it won’t stay at the date and the place you want it. Even worse, it disrupts time travel and has a nasty tendency to twist timelines in abhorrent ways.
There is no—
There is everything to worry about. It’s not just my TARDIS which ground to a halt at the other end. Your sensors are picking up 17 time capsules stalled at the other end, including mine. That makes perfect sense since I have good reason to believe someone twisted my timeline.
Liars! The Lurmans who sold us our equipment—
(approaching Alien Mask Man)
The Lurmans, last I saw their technology, were making themselves a menace to historical integrity by producing such equipment. This has to be shut down!
You have no authority—
(double-take)
Beat.
Well? Make up your mind, young man. I haven’t got all night.
But—
You don’t need this time tunnel. I built a TARDIS using equipment and materials so primitive that no one on Gallifrey would have believed it could be done. Sixty-four years ago on my timeline, I wouldn’t have believed I could do it. If I can do this, then think of what I could do with what’s available in this era.
Everyone, prepare for tunnel shutdown!
(Canadian accent)
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: THE QUUX, WITH WEAPONS AIMED AT SUSAN, PIPER, AND THE FOO.
Isn’t there anyone around here who makes a sound when they sneak up on you?
You are all under arrest for conspiracy against the Quux Republic and the Universe as a whole. Put down your weapons and surrender.
This is Foovonia! You have no authority here!
I’ll handle this!
(to Quux 1)
You don’t need to do this.
(raising a piece of portable technology)
We have your confession to being the “Susan” Doctor, granddaughter of the “Curtis” Doctor. You are wanted for 3,947 separate offences, not to mention conspiring with the Foo, who are wanted for illegal alteration of the timeline. How can we stand by and let you endanger the great Quux Republic and various lesser races? This is an act of war against the whole Universe!
We are the sworn enemies of the Foo! You’re implying that we would have to work with them!
We don’t care what your reasoning is, that’s not acceptable!
Well, we of the Foo wouldn’t work with the Quux in a billion years!
Alien Mask Man and Quux 1 start circling each other, with Susan stuck in the middle.
Well, who would want to work with the Foo? You started the war—
We of the Foo started it? Who stockpiled antimatter weapons in a border system?
Who—
Gentlebeings—
(aiming at Quux 1)
Warmongers!
Back-stabbers!
Think about—
Kill the Quux!
Fight the Foo!
Multiple things happen almost simultaneously: 1) The Foo and the Quux open fire, with many hit with the same special effects as Dalek fire and dropping dead or nearly so on the floor. 2) Piper drops to the floor. 3) Before Susan can hit the floor, she is caught in the crossfire and drops nearly dead on the floor. 4) Various machines are hit by fire and start smoking, sparking, shooting arcs of electricity through the air, and making worrisome noises. The rooftop on the far end of the tunnel is suddenly in daylight.
No one pays any attention to Piper.
No one pays any attention to Piper. Piper pulls a sonic screwdriver out of her pocket and activates it. The device emits a piercing whine, and all the combatants drop to the floor and writhe in agony. Piper then deactivates the sonic screwdriver.
(standing up)
Thank you for your attention. Do you have any idea—
One of the Quux pulls a gun on Piper, only to drop along with the rest of the Quux and Foo when she momentarily activates her sonic screwdriver.
Everyone, hands off your weapons and pay attention. Now, do you have any idea what you just did?
PAN TO: SUSAN AS PIPER CONTINUES TALKING.
You just shot the Doctor! She wasn’t a threat to you. She didn’t want to fight. She was tired of fighting. She would have willingly turned you into the race of heroes the Time Lords should have been but never were. And what what did you do? You threw this golden opportunity away just to continue a petty squabble!
Piper’s voice gets echoey, and we hear eerie regeneration music.
And as she lies there on the floor, with her first and second lives flashing in front of her eyes, what do you think is going through her mind? She’s wondering if she was too gentle on you. She regrets she didn’t go after the Quux the first moment she saw them, that she didn’t do something—anything—about the Foo earlier. She sees her feeling burnt out as a weakness. She wants to be someone strong, someone energetic, someone willing to fight. She wants to be someone who is going to go after the Quux and the Foo and make them pay for their crimes and their reckless idiocy, no matter what. And guess what?
There is a flash of light, which fills the hall, and when it dims, we see that Susan is now identical to Piper. She opens her eyes and practically jumps to her feet.
(sounding identical to Piper, too)
I got my wish!
ZOOM OUT TO INCLUDE: ALL ASSEMBLED.
I am the Doctor, Romanadvoratrelundar “Susan” Who, last of the Time Lords. And I am more than just a Time Lord; I am Gallifrey Incarnate, endowed with all its authority! Behold me and tremble, for the time of judgement is now!
By what right—
Susan presses a finger to Alien Mask Man inside his collarbone, and he cries out in pain and drops to the floor.
Venusian karate. As I was trying to say, you are hereby judged unworthy of possessing time travel technology. Foovonia’s time tunnel will be shut down immediately, to be followed by a visit to Quuxcorge.
Under the Shadow Proclamation—
Appeal denied. You yourself informed me the visit will take place. Go home and prepare for it.
(picking himself up)
Piper pulls a component out of a machine. Suddenly alarms start screaming.
How long is a minute?
The surviving Foo and Quux scramble to leave the room as various machines continue to smoke, spark, shoot arcs of electricity through the air, and make worrying noises. Meanwhile, Piper pockets the device component, and she and Susan and get into the TARDIS.
The TARDIS dematerialises just before the room explodes.
EXT. RAY AND MARIA STATA CENTER ON VASSAR STREET AT THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY—DAY.
The TARDIS materialises on the sidewalk.
INT. TARDIS.
The later Susan/Piper is helping the earlier Susan lie down on the bed.
I feel weak all of the sudden. It’s so hard to hold on to the present.
Don’t worry, Doctor. We made it. Just slid down the collapsing time tunnel and materialised. That “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan” character would probably say that the Force is with us.
(closing her eyes)
Who?
The later Susan then walks over to a wardrobe and starts fishing out the earlier version of the outfit she is wearing.
Computer, after the TARDIS lands, make sure my earlier self wakes up at least an hour before she is due to meet the Second Susan.
Affirmative, Doctor.
EXT. RAY AND MARIA STATA CENTER ON VASSAR STREET AT THE MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY—DAY.
The later version of Susan steps out of the TARDIS, which is right in front of the building. She is holding a large book (the one which she reads in the pub) and a large jar of jelly babies. It is somewhat wet outside, but she does not care.
Vassar Street, Cambridge, Massachusetts, the United States of America, Earth. Seven May 2005, 8:23 AM. An ugly place at an ugly time, and all I have to do for another 14 hours is stay out of the way of the action.
She shuts the door of the TARDIS and walks down the street. Unexpectedly she hears—
(echoey)
Doctor Who! What a pleasure it is to meet you!
Susan turns to see the Fendahl Core. The sight sends a chill down her spine. There is no escaping to the TARDIS; the Fendahl Core is standing between her and her time capsule—and she is getting closer. The fight-or-flight reaction triggered, she stands to fight. Dropping her book and jelly babies, she pulls out a sonic screwdriver just in case she needs it.
(facing the Fendahl Core, with the Master’s hypnotic sound effect and all echoey to indicate a telepathic aspect to the speech)
(telepathy only)
Records of your encounters with my species indicate a number of unfortunate conflicts. However, I have come back in time approximately one million years from Space Station Camera in the Third Zone. By that point my species will have vastly matured.
Space Station Camera? Headquarters of the famous physicists Reimer and Kartz?
Correct. I am Euphoria, head of the history department.
(telepathy only)
(telepathy only)
Look, I’d like to stay and chat, but I really can’t now. And frankly, you probably shouldn’t be outside in daylight. Too much light, and people are going to notice you’re not human. Not to mention that using telepathy around humans is a dead give-away.
(telepathy only)
Oh, dear. But I will see two of you, Doctor, at the Time Traveler Convention?
(less than enthusiastic)
Oh, definitely. Your source is most certainly correct.
(telepathy only)
Excellent. Good-bye for now, Doctor Who.
INT. PUB.
(drinks)
Even after mulling over it since I woke up, I still can’t believe it was me who started this whole “Doctor” business.
How do you figure that?
I affirmed to the Quux and the Foo that I am the Doctor, or one of the Doctors anyway. Given that the Quux and Foo are space- and time-faring races, they’re bound to spread that information throughout Spacetime. Well, I could blame Euphoria and that girl with the fake antennae, but if the Quux know I am fated to make trouble for them in my future, I’m doomed to reinforce the notion to them that I’m the Doctor and encourage them to spread word of who I am throughout history. If I ever meet myself again, I’m never going to live this down.
Well, it’s not like things like that happen every day.
(drinks)
From now on, no more “Susan Foreman”. No one’s bought “Foreman” since 1963, and “Susan” has been on thin ice since I was stranded on Earth; it’s hard to swallow a non-human having such a human name. From now on, it’s “Doctor Romanadvoratrelundar Who”.
Ugh! Are you sure you want to go with “Romana-whatever”? I thought you hated it.
What about your grandfather’s lover? Do you really want to be mistaken for her?
No, but it’s a little late now. I stuck myself with the identity; I’m going to have to learn to live with it. Besides, according to what I’ve read today, Romandvoratrelundar scares her enemies a lot more than Susan. That’ll help a lot; I’m feeling much more adventurous than in my last life.
Adventurous? Anything planned.
Obviously, I have to visit Quuxcorge and shut their time travel system down. I couldn’t have done it before yesterday, but now, with this—
(produces the Foo time tunnel component from a pocket)
—I ought to be able to get there.
(pockets the Foo time tunnel component)
But after Quuxcorge… I don’t have anywhere in mind. Well, finding Grandfather so I can give him the chewing out he deserves would be nice, but considering the dismal results I’ve had trying to meet him where and when records say he was, I just don’t think that’s ever going to work. For all I know, he’s dead, and the stories of him and his lover may be nothing more than distorted stories of me. Which is a pity. When I last saw him, he told me he would someday come back, and he never did. I just want to know why.
Oh, that’s simple enough. You said your grandfather was a stubborn old man when you last saw him. Maybe he did find out what happened to you, but he was too embarrassed to face you. It was incredibly stupid on his part to assume love at first sight would last. With an ego as big as his, maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to say he was wrong, he’s so embarrassed. He might have even done what he could to hide whenever you showed up, he couldn’t bear to have you see him in such disgrace. And if he’s still around after the Time War, he probably has no clue you’re still alive.
It’s possible.
But who knows? Maybe he still loves you. Maybe he still worries about you. Maybe he’s even watched you from afar, making sure nothing insurmountable happens to you. Maybe he’s even proud of you. No, I’m sure he’s proud of you. If I had a granddaughter out there somewhere saving the Universe from the forces of evil, I’d have to be proud of her, no question.
You’re right. That’s exactly the way Grandfather would think. Thank you.
(breathes out)
You know, there’s no reason I have to go to Gallifrey alone.
(startled)
What!?
But I, I, I’ve got things to do here on Earth. I’ve got responsibilities.
But I’m—
(drawing nearer)
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that life is short and needs to be enjoyed while we can.
Susan pulls the mask off of “Darth Vader from the Planet Vulcan”, revealing the Doctor (tenth incarnation). Not recognising him, Susan moves to kiss him, but the Doctor manages to slip sideways. Susan is not deterred.
(manoeuvring to get closer to the door, trying to counter Susan’s counter-manoeuvring)
Gee, look at the time. I, er, gotta go.
(bumps against a table and has to manoeuvre around it)
I, uh, I have to floss my cat, and, uh, lots of other not very interesting stuff.
The Doctor makes a break for it and rushes out of the pub.
SUSAN
(sighs)
Great. I just had to choose to be rash and stupid in this life...
(beat)
Wait a minute...
SUSAN
(lowering the mask)
Jelly babies. He was eating jelly babies earlier today.
SUSAN
Grandfather!
EXT. THE STREETS OF CAMBRIDGE—NIGHT.
The Doctor is running down the street. Susan is running after him.
Come back here, Grandfather!
The Doctor looks behind him and sees Susan chasing him.
DOCTOR
(starting to run himself)
Damn! Euphoria must have blown my cover!
SUSAN
You’re not going to escape me so easily!
The Doctor does not respond, but keeps running. He nearly collides with a passer-by walking a poodle.
(keeping running)
Sorry!
Susan swerves to avoid the passer-by and the poodle.
The Doctor, with Susan gaining on him, turns a corner into an alley, where there is parked his TARDIS. He enters the TARDIS, which starts to dematerialise.
(coming to a halt in front of the TARDIS)
Grandfather!
The TARDIS dematerialises completely.
Grandfather!
(realisation hits)
And to think I tried to kiss him! Ew! Ew! Ew! That’s so gross!
CREDIT SEQUENCE.
Credit to be given where credit is due: Text from “The Dalek Invasion of Earth” borrowed (OK, plagiarised) from The Doctor Who Transcripts Project. Also referenced: Wikipedia, The TARDIS Index File, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus map, and markbaard's photostream . Thanks also to Barry for his constructive criticism.
1 comment:
LOVED IT!!!
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