Today’s news and commentary:
- “Fortune Cookie”
- “Right On!: Stumbling toward catastrophe” and “Olmert, Blair seek to help PA economy” (Prediction: ’Olmert will do nothing of substance against the Qassams unless someone close to him gets hit by one; he will also do whatever he can to stab Israel in the back. You people in the Kenesseth, kindly throw him out of office immediately. Practically everyone in the State of Israel will thank you for it.)
- “New Statesman: Jewish Youths = Muslim Terrorists”
- “Give haredi children tools for life”
- “(Genetic) Seed Banks Needed for Livestock Too”
- “Dirty Secret: Green Cars Automakers Won't Sell You”
Ten Words That Don’t Exist, but Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or on an airplane.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust-pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up in frustration and sweeps it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Warning Signs That You Need a New Life
Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
You consider professional wrestling a sport.
You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout...you subscribe.
You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.
You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll.
The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend’s phone number are 1-900.
You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
You play the accordion.