Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is a little something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
30 Nisan 5766 * 28 April 2006: Ro'sh Hodhesh/Day 15 of the `Omer/National Arbor Day
Greetings.
Today’s news:
Assignment for anyone working on their Hebrew: Identify who Jared was in Tanakh (= the Hebrew Bible), and give the meaning of the name "Jerusha".
Enjoy, happy new month, and Shabbath Shalom.
Aaron
Today’s news:
- “Chirac calls for fund to pay PA salaries” (What the gezornenblat is Chirac thinking?)
- “1 in 5 pay more in Medicare Rx plan” (What the gezornenblat was Bush thinking?)
- “Senate Republicans Propose $100 Gas Rebate, Alaska Drilling” (What the gezornenblat are they thinking?)
Assignment for anyone working on their Hebrew: Identify who Jared was in Tanakh (= the Hebrew Bible), and give the meaning of the name "Jerusha".
Enjoy, happy new month, and Shabbath Shalom.
Aaron
Thursday, April 27, 2006
29 Nisan 5766 * 27 April 2006: Day 14 of the `Omer/Write an Old Friend Today Day
Greetings.
Today’s news:
Aaron
Today’s news:
- “Archives: 1 in 3 Records Wrongly Resealed” (Submitted by Barry.)
- “Search on to find disappearing hedgehogs”
- “Jump in middle-income Americans who go without health insurance”
- “Drivers run dry to beat gas prices”
- “Croatian 'Dracula 'revived to lure tourists”
- “Critics pour scorn, cliches on NY vampire musical” (I dunno. The commentary on the play seemed interesting.)
Aaron
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
28 Nisan 5766 * 26 April 2006: Day 13 of the `Omer/Shuffleboard Day/National Pretzel Day
Greetings.
Worthy cause of the day: “Be a Citizen Co-Sponsor for the Energy Emergency Consumer Protection Act ”.
Today’s news:
Aaron
Worthy cause of the day: “Be a Citizen Co-Sponsor for the Energy Emergency Consumer Protection Act ”.
Today’s news:
- “U.S. Tries to Curb Iraq Human Trafficking” (Submitted by Barry. I did not expect Halliburton to stoop so low.)
- “Moussaoui Jury Can't Have Dictionary” (Barry submitted this one, and neither of us has any clue what the judge is thinking.)
- “Medicare Surprise”
- “Holocaust Survivors Grow Poorer in Israel” (Barry submitted this one, and I have heard many complaints that the government of Israel neglects the most vulnerable segments of society, and such is unambiguously against the value system of the Torah. This is a common human practice that ought to not be tolerated anywhere on the planet.)
- “The world's deepest dinosaur finding - 2256 metres below the seabed”
- “Why have so many movies lost the plot? I blame the video games”
- “Despatches from an Ongoing War” (If you thought there was a ceasefire or at least a period of calm in Israel, think again.)
- “Bush Eases Environmental Rules on Gasoline” (Submitted by Barry. Guess who benefits, and it’s not the consumer.)
- “Study reveals domestic abuse is widespread in Syria” (Submitted by Barry.)
Aaron
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
27 Nisan 5766 * 25 April 2006: Day 12 of the `Omer/ANZAC Day
Greetings.
Information on today’s quasi-holiday: Wikipedia’s article on ANZAC Day.
Worthy causes of the day: Basel Action Network (BAN) and Computer Take Back Campaign, which both focus on electronic waste, and Save the Internet, which is working against the forces of greed trying to stifle free speech on the Internet.
Today’s news:
Aaron
Information on today’s quasi-holiday: Wikipedia’s article on ANZAC Day.
Worthy causes of the day: Basel Action Network (BAN) and Computer Take Back Campaign, which both focus on electronic waste, and Save the Internet, which is working against the forces of greed trying to stifle free speech on the Internet.
Today’s news:
- “Axe-wielding men abduct dad from wedding”
- “Killer Sound” (Suggested by Barry. An interesting variant on the theme of beating a sword into a plowshare.)
- “UPDATE 1-Bush's approval rating hits new low of 32 percent” (If I were a betting man, I’d bet it would drop to 25% by the time he left office.)
- “'Lego' approach thwarts anthrax toxin”
- “Urban Legends Reference Pages: Inboxer Rebellion (Free Cone Day)”
- “Dutch Co. Battles Mayor Over Ads on Sheep”
Aaron
Monday, April 24, 2006
26 Nisan 5766 * 24 March 2006: Day 11 of the `Omer/Astronomy Day/24 Hour Comics Day
Greetings.
Sorry for the delay in publishing today’s entry. Obviously Xenu is behind the server trouble Blogger.com had.
Today’s backlog of news, some of which Barry is responsible for:
Aaron
PS: If anyone wants what may be the start of a film festival to continue, please send me links to short on-line films.
Sorry for the delay in publishing today’s entry. Obviously Xenu is behind the server trouble Blogger.com had.
Today’s backlog of news, some of which Barry is responsible for:
- “Get outta here! Cruise baby name puzzles Israelis”
- “Bin Laden's Been Popping Off. Again.”
- “Students hope for insights from Mideast game”
- “After Katrina, Poor Tenants Fight Eviction”
- “Jordan Accuses Hamas of Smuggling Weapons”
- “Medical Marijuana's Catch-22”
- “Asteroid buster to save planet” (In honor of one of today’s quasi-holiday.)
- “Our view: 'No Child' hurts minorities as it advances fiction”
- “The Iranians (1979)”
- “Another fundamental constant accused of changing”
- “After 50 years, Alabama pardons Rosa Parks”
- “Hamas Officials to Appeal Residency Ban” (Just think about the huspah involved.
Aaron
PS: If anyone wants what may be the start of a film festival to continue, please send me links to short on-line films.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
25 Nisan 5766 * 23 April 2006: Day 10 of the `Omer/Laboratory Day
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is “THE HISTORY OF SCIENTOLOGY”. I cannot describe this short (3 minutes 17 seconds) film well enough, only that you will love it. Enjoy.
Aaron
Today’s weird thing is “THE HISTORY OF SCIENTOLOGY”. I cannot describe this short (3 minutes 17 seconds) film well enough, only that you will love it. Enjoy.
Aaron
Friday, April 21, 2006
23 Nisan 5766 * 21 April 2006: Day 8 of the `Omer/Kindergarten Day
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is “Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack”. Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and beware of zombies.
Aaron
Today’s weird thing is “Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack”. Enjoy, Shabbath shalom, and beware of zombies.
Aaron
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
20 Nisan 5766 * 18 April 2006: Passover/Day 5 of the `Omer/International Jugglers Day/Look-Alike Day
Greetings.
Relevant cartoon: “Passover in the 20th Century (1998)”.
In honor of Look-Alike Day, today’s weird thing is Trey Anastasio, who looks a lot like me and Barry. Enjoy.
Aaron
Relevant cartoon: “Passover in the 20th Century (1998)”.
In honor of Look-Alike Day, today’s weird thing is Trey Anastasio, who looks a lot like me and Barry. Enjoy.
Aaron
Monday, April 17, 2006
19 Nisan 5766 * 17 April 2006: Passover/4th Day of the `Omer/Easter Monday
Greetings.
Today’s weird things are Rhymes with Orange for April 12 and “Passover: In Every Generation”. Enjoy.
Aaron
Today’s weird things are Rhymes with Orange for April 12 and “Passover: In Every Generation”. Enjoy.
Aaron
Sunday, April 16, 2006
18 Nisan 5766 * 16 April 2006: Passover/Day 3 of the `Omer/Easter
Greetings.
Today’s weird things, in the spirit of Passover, are “Bitter Herbs” and “Passover. Being there. (1995)”. Scholarly note: Horseradish is allegedly tamkha’, not hazereth. Enjoy.
Aaron
Today’s weird things, in the spirit of Passover, are “Bitter Herbs” and “Passover. Being there. (1995)”. Scholarly note: Horseradish is allegedly tamkha’, not hazereth. Enjoy.
Aaron
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
14 Nisan 5766 * 12 April 2006: Fast of the Firstborn/Yuri's Night/Look Up At The Sky Day
Greetings.
Tonight starts Passover. I get a vacation from posting until Sunday. In the meantime, I get to feel allergic. (Pollen season does that to me.)
Relevant cartoon: “Passover Matzah”
Today’s weird thing is “The AP Reinforces FIFA's Bias”, the story of how an international soccer organization complained that Israel blew up an empty soccer field in the Gaza Strip. I cannot make up something that pathetic, especially when they let terrorists commit human-hurting soccer-related attrocities without the least protest. Enjoy (or be scared or something), happy Passover, and next year may we be in Jerusalem.
Aaron
Tonight starts Passover. I get a vacation from posting until Sunday. In the meantime, I get to feel allergic. (Pollen season does that to me.)
Relevant cartoon: “Passover Matzah”
Today’s weird thing is “The AP Reinforces FIFA's Bias”, the story of how an international soccer organization complained that Israel blew up an empty soccer field in the Gaza Strip. I cannot make up something that pathetic, especially when they let terrorists commit human-hurting soccer-related attrocities without the least protest. Enjoy (or be scared or something), happy Passover, and next year may we be in Jerusalem.
Aaron
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
13 Nisan 5766 * 11 April 2006: Barbershop Quartet Day/National Cheese Fondue Day
Greetings.
Today’s agenda: Pre-Passover preparation. I get to baptize a crock pot and various other implements and confuse (probably) Christian fishermen and boaters in the process.
Relevant cartoon: “The Big Cleanup (1995)”
Questionably worthy cause of the day: Star Trek Enterprise - a Direct to DVD movie or mini-series. Petition.
Today’s news:
Aaron
Today’s agenda: Pre-Passover preparation. I get to baptize a crock pot and various other implements and confuse (probably) Christian fishermen and boaters in the process.
Relevant cartoon: “The Big Cleanup (1995)”
Questionably worthy cause of the day: Star Trek Enterprise - a Direct to DVD movie or mini-series. Petition.
Today’s news:
- “Americans' Dirty Secret Revealed” (Submitted by Barry.)
- “New Orleans R&B star begins posthumous mayoral bid”
- “Happy Face on Mars Exposed”
- “Cheating on Spouse or Taxes Morally Acceptable for Many” (Submitted by Barry)
- “Stranger Danger: 'Shocking' TV Test Flawed” (Submitted by Barry.)
- “Phone-Jamming Records Point to White House” (Submitted by Barry.)
- “Hamas says sees Israeli moves as declaration of war” (Submitted by Barry, who notes the irony in the title. After all, Hamas’s purpose is the destruction of the State of Israel, preferably violently; they would have to be stupid to think that Israel is going to sit around and be passive. The article is factually incorrect in the claim that Hamas has abided by the ceasefire, since 1) it never stopped the violence, and 2) Israel made no agreement whatsoever concerning the alleged period of calm, so there was no ceasefire.)
Aaron
april 11 2006 bobby is awesome day
hi peoplez
my girlfriend s here saying that the media s like really mean to girls n treats them like objects n stuff so she wants me 2 have u look at this video by pink called stupid girls which is all about that kind of stuff about girls acting dumber than they should n feeling bad about themselves n not doing anything with their lives n barfing n stuff so go look at it n maybe shell stop twisting my arm the b**** its hard 2 type with 1 hand!!!!!
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2707440?htv=12&htv=12
my girlfriend s here saying that the media s like really mean to girls n treats them like objects n stuff so she wants me 2 have u look at this video by pink called stupid girls which is all about that kind of stuff about girls acting dumber than they should n feeling bad about themselves n not doing anything with their lives n barfing n stuff so go look at it n maybe shell stop twisting my arm the b**** its hard 2 type with 1 hand!!!!!
http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2707440?htv=12&htv=12
Monday, April 10, 2006
Oops!
Greetings.
Sorry, but there was what Barry calls a "mislink" in today’s post. The URL for “'Pig Book' targets government 'pork'” has been corrected.
Aaron
Sorry, but there was what Barry calls a "mislink" in today’s post. The URL for “'Pig Book' targets government 'pork'” has been corrected.
Aaron
12 Nisan 5766 * 10 April 2006: Golfers Day
Greetings.
I've got a ridiculous backlog of news in lieu of a weird thing for you today (even after paring it down from 33 items).
Aaron
I've got a ridiculous backlog of news in lieu of a weird thing for you today (even after paring it down from 33 items).
- "Greenpeace: McDonald's harming the Amazon”
- “Why 'this night' is still different”
- “Yes, It's Anti-Semitic”
- “Redefine the idea of Jewish continuity”
- “Papers: Cheney Aide Says Bush OK'd Leak” (Oops.)
- “Republicans defeat Net neutrality proposal”
- “Labor Official Notes Pension Disparities”
- “The "New" America”
- “'Pig Book' targets government 'pork' - Apr 5, 2006”
- “"Homemade" Rockets?”
- “Fossil fills gap in move from sea to land”
- “New device allows woman to see, even without eyes”
Aaron
Sunday, April 9, 2006
11 Nisan 5766 * 9 April 2006: Anniversary of Grandpa's Death/Palm Sunday/Name Yourself Day
Greetings.
Pesah (Passover) is coming, beginning this Wednesday night. Cleaning is underway. Friday I had the fun of finding new places for icky stuff to be hiding in the refrigerator door (e.g., pleats in the seal of the door), and today I bought a cleaning duster and blew a lot of miniature dust bunnies out of my computer’s keyboard.
Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house?'" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Pesah (Passover) is coming, beginning this Wednesday night. Cleaning is underway. Friday I had the fun of finding new places for icky stuff to be hiding in the refrigerator door (e.g., pleats in the seal of the door), and today I bought a cleaning duster and blew a lot of miniature dust bunnies out of my computer’s keyboard.
Today’s weird thing is something from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house?'" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
Friday, April 7, 2006
9 Nisan 5766 * 7 April 206: No Housework Day
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is one of the silliest computer accessories ever: Cigarette Lighter Panel + Cup Holder for 5.25" Drive Bay PC. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Today’s weird thing is one of the silliest computer accessories ever: Cigarette Lighter Panel + Cup Holder for 5.25" Drive Bay PC. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Thursday, April 6, 2006
8 Nisan 5766 * 6 April 2006: Tartan Day
Greetings.
Today’s news:
Aaron
Talking Dog
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
-- This is a talking dog, and you can have him for five dollars.
-- Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal.
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.
-- Please buy me, Sir. This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times.
-- Hey! - said the neighbor - He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?
-- Because I'm getting tired of all his lies.
Today’s news:
- “Urban Legends Reference Pages: Politics (Muslims Out of Australia!)”
- “In Massachusetts, Health Care for All?”
- “Federal Study Rejects Aspartame Risks” (Epidemiology news was inevitable.)
- “Giant dinosaur raptor unveiled”
- “Microsoft: Don't sell PCs without operating systems”
- “Alcohol cloud is 463 billion kilometres long” (Barry jokingly claims this is proof of alcoholic aliens.)
- “Chinese man bids to sell his soul on auction site” (I cannot make something like this up.)
- “Researchers Say Low-Cal Diet Cuts Aging”
Aaron
Talking Dog
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.
-- This is a talking dog, and you can have him for five dollars.
-- Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal.
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.
-- Please buy me, Sir. This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the Army and was decorated ten times.
-- Hey! - said the neighbor - He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?
-- Because I'm getting tired of all his lies.
Wednesday, April 5, 2006
7 Nisan 5766 * 5 April 2006: National Workplace Napping Day/Go For Broke Day/Stop the Clocks Day
Greetings.
Worthless cause of the day: NYC to secede to Canada Petition
Today’s news:
Aaron
Worthless cause of the day: NYC to secede to Canada Petition
Today’s news:
- “If only America would let Israel win”
- “DeLay Announces Resignation From House”
- “Robot suit will help quadriplegic scale the heights”
- “"Loyal" donkeys better than wives, says textbook” (New place for me to complain about.)
- “Briton detained in Far North” and the Goliath Expedition
- “EPA Plan Could Let Plants Skirt Limits”
- “Pakistanis Say Kites Are Health Hazard” (This is not as silly as it sounds.)
Aaron
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
6 Nisan 5766 * 4 April 2006: National Repot your Plant Day/National Reading a Roadmap Day
Greetings.
Worthless cause of the day: Name the newly discovered planet, Krypton. Petition
Today’s news:
Aaron
Worthless cause of the day: Name the newly discovered planet, Krypton. Petition
Today’s news:
- “America's war on the web”
- “Corrupt kleptocracy vs. tyrannical theocracy”
- “UN official barred from Darfur”
- “Insects worth $57 billion to US economy”
- “In a Wired South Korea, Robots Will Feel Right at Home”
- “Experts boost low-cost health care”
- “Mad Muppets top cult science poll”
Aaron
Monday, April 3, 2006
5 Nisan 5766 * 3 April 2006: Dust bunnies
Greetings.
Today’s weird things are “Dust Bunny Care Guide”, “Dust Bunny Facts”, and “Dust Bunnies”. Enjoy.
Aaron
Today’s weird things are “Dust Bunny Care Guide”, “Dust Bunny Facts”, and “Dust Bunnies”. Enjoy.
Aaron
Sunday, April 2, 2006
4 Nisan 5766 * 2 April 2006: National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is something I found in an old chest, included below. It appears to be a document of great historical significance. Enjoy.
Aaron
THE SECOND BOOK OF MORONI
An account of the last days of Moroni and his death. These were part of the 116 pages lost by Martin Harris in the summer of 1828.
CHAPTER 1
1 AND it came to pass that Moroni was the last of the Nephites, the last of the believers in Jesus Christ, and the last of his prophets in the Promised Land.
2 And the Lamanites, his enemies, found him at the edge of a cliff.
3 Now Moroni was afeared that the Lamanites would throw him from the cliff, but they did not do so, for they said it was not their way.
4 So the Lamanites sent for their king, and the king came, a great and mighty man who commanded respect.
5 And the king said to Moroni: I am Normianton, king of the Lamanites, and you have been accused of being a public nuisance.
6 Behold, my people tell me that everywhere you go you annoy them, calling them wicked and speaking things that no man can believe. Tell me, man, what do you have to say for yourself?
7 And Moroni said: I am a prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it is my duty to spread his message.
8 And Normianton said: I know not who this Jesus Christ is, for I have never heard of him.
9 And Moroni said: He is the Son of God who was spoken of by the prophets of the Jews.
10 And Normianton said: I know not who the Jews are nor who their prophets are.
11 So Moroni, being possessed of great memory, set about reciting for them all of the prophecies that had been made to the Jews before Nephi and his family set sail for the Promised Land.
12 And Normianton was much pleased with these scriptures, for he found them meaningful.
13 Then Moroni recited what he knew through prophecy of the Gospels, but Normianton said nothing about them, and he was clearly not pleased.
14 So Moroni continued and recited all that had been prophesied in the Promised Land to the Nephites.
15 Now none of this found favor in the eyes of Normianton, and he answered and said: Behold, all you have said concerning this Jesus I cannot accept.
16 For you say that he is the Christ, but the prophesies of the Jews you have recited predict no one such as him.
17 For those prophets said that the Christ would be a descendant of David, yet the Gospels say he was the son of God.
18 Yea, you have claimed that Isaiah foresaw Jesus being born of a virgin, yet the quote you used clearly speaks of Isaiah’s son being born to Isaiah’s wife, who was certainly not a virgin.
19 Verily, you accuse God of committing adultery, which He has forbidden and abominated.
20 Indeed, no quote made in the Gospels to claim that Jesus was the Christ means what the writers of the Gospels says it means.
21 And the prophets of the Jews said that the Christ would reign as king, and that he would save his people, and that he would ingather the exiles, and that he would rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem, yet he did none of those.
22 Indeed, this Jesus was a heretic, for he accused Moses of falsifying the Law, saying that Moses had permitted divorce even though God had forbidden it.
23 And he permitted his followers to violate the Sabbath, even though God had forbidden it.
24 And he claimed that the Law was not strict enough morally, even though in his own stringency he demanded aiding and abetting evil.
25 Surely such a man claiming to be a prophet would have been considered mad.
26 Now behold, you have compounded your error; you have told me further prophesies beyond the Gospels assuming that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of God.
27 And you have told us that a man traveled across the waters to come to this land, even though no one knows how to do such a thing.
28 And you have told us that our ancestors had many things which we have never known, such as sheep and cattle, elephants and cureloms and cumoms, wheat and barley, grapes and olives, silk and linen, iron and cement.
29 And you have told us that our ancestors had great cities and roads which we have never seen, nor of which we have any memory.
30 And you have told us that much of which we have never seen and of which our fathers never told us was destroyed in great catastrophic movements of the earth, of which our fathers never told us either.
31 Indeed, you have claimed that Jesus came at the time of catastrophe and that he preached to our ancestors, yet of this did our fathers never tell us.
32 Behold, it is no wonder that everyone considers you a nuisance.
33 Now Moroni was wroth, and his anger burned within him.
34 And he cursed the king Normianton, and he raved and ranted how he would come to death and destruction.
35 And Moroni’s movements were exceedingly violent, so that he lost his balance and fell off the cliff, and he was dashed to pieces on the rocks below.
36 And the king Normianton declared that all the ravings of the lunatic Moroni should be inscribed on golden plates as a warning to future generations.
37 And in further dishonor of the fool, the king declared that henceforth all idiots would be known as “morons”.
Of course, you do realize this is just a lightly disguised commentary on the Book of Mormon...
Today’s weird thing is something I found in an old chest, included below. It appears to be a document of great historical significance. Enjoy.
Aaron
An account of the last days of Moroni and his death. These were part of the 116 pages lost by Martin Harris in the summer of 1828.
1 AND it came to pass that Moroni was the last of the Nephites, the last of the believers in Jesus Christ, and the last of his prophets in the Promised Land.
2 And the Lamanites, his enemies, found him at the edge of a cliff.
3 Now Moroni was afeared that the Lamanites would throw him from the cliff, but they did not do so, for they said it was not their way.
4 So the Lamanites sent for their king, and the king came, a great and mighty man who commanded respect.
5 And the king said to Moroni: I am Normianton, king of the Lamanites, and you have been accused of being a public nuisance.
6 Behold, my people tell me that everywhere you go you annoy them, calling them wicked and speaking things that no man can believe. Tell me, man, what do you have to say for yourself?
7 And Moroni said: I am a prophet of the Lord Jesus Christ, and it is my duty to spread his message.
8 And Normianton said: I know not who this Jesus Christ is, for I have never heard of him.
9 And Moroni said: He is the Son of God who was spoken of by the prophets of the Jews.
10 And Normianton said: I know not who the Jews are nor who their prophets are.
11 So Moroni, being possessed of great memory, set about reciting for them all of the prophecies that had been made to the Jews before Nephi and his family set sail for the Promised Land.
12 And Normianton was much pleased with these scriptures, for he found them meaningful.
13 Then Moroni recited what he knew through prophecy of the Gospels, but Normianton said nothing about them, and he was clearly not pleased.
14 So Moroni continued and recited all that had been prophesied in the Promised Land to the Nephites.
15 Now none of this found favor in the eyes of Normianton, and he answered and said: Behold, all you have said concerning this Jesus I cannot accept.
16 For you say that he is the Christ, but the prophesies of the Jews you have recited predict no one such as him.
17 For those prophets said that the Christ would be a descendant of David, yet the Gospels say he was the son of God.
18 Yea, you have claimed that Isaiah foresaw Jesus being born of a virgin, yet the quote you used clearly speaks of Isaiah’s son being born to Isaiah’s wife, who was certainly not a virgin.
19 Verily, you accuse God of committing adultery, which He has forbidden and abominated.
20 Indeed, no quote made in the Gospels to claim that Jesus was the Christ means what the writers of the Gospels says it means.
21 And the prophets of the Jews said that the Christ would reign as king, and that he would save his people, and that he would ingather the exiles, and that he would rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem, yet he did none of those.
22 Indeed, this Jesus was a heretic, for he accused Moses of falsifying the Law, saying that Moses had permitted divorce even though God had forbidden it.
23 And he permitted his followers to violate the Sabbath, even though God had forbidden it.
24 And he claimed that the Law was not strict enough morally, even though in his own stringency he demanded aiding and abetting evil.
25 Surely such a man claiming to be a prophet would have been considered mad.
26 Now behold, you have compounded your error; you have told me further prophesies beyond the Gospels assuming that Jesus is the Christ and the Son of God.
27 And you have told us that a man traveled across the waters to come to this land, even though no one knows how to do such a thing.
28 And you have told us that our ancestors had many things which we have never known, such as sheep and cattle, elephants and cureloms and cumoms, wheat and barley, grapes and olives, silk and linen, iron and cement.
29 And you have told us that our ancestors had great cities and roads which we have never seen, nor of which we have any memory.
30 And you have told us that much of which we have never seen and of which our fathers never told us was destroyed in great catastrophic movements of the earth, of which our fathers never told us either.
31 Indeed, you have claimed that Jesus came at the time of catastrophe and that he preached to our ancestors, yet of this did our fathers never tell us.
32 Behold, it is no wonder that everyone considers you a nuisance.
33 Now Moroni was wroth, and his anger burned within him.
34 And he cursed the king Normianton, and he raved and ranted how he would come to death and destruction.
35 And Moroni’s movements were exceedingly violent, so that he lost his balance and fell off the cliff, and he was dashed to pieces on the rocks below.
36 And the king Normianton declared that all the ravings of the lunatic Moroni should be inscribed on golden plates as a warning to future generations.
37 And in further dishonor of the fool, the king declared that henceforth all idiots would be known as “morons”.
Of course, you do realize this is just a lightly disguised commentary on the Book of Mormon...
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