Tuesday, August 22, 2006

28 'Av 5766 * 22 August 2006: "How to Spiritually Cleanse Your Home of Psychic Disturbances"

Greetings.

Today’s news and commentary:I recently found out my version of the wikiHow article “How to Spiritually Cleanse Your Home of Psychic Disturbances” had been reverted back to its original, completely flakey form. Therefore, in order to preserve my own, much improved content, today’s weird thing is my own, much improved version, included below—because I can. Enjoy.

Aaron



How to Spiritually Cleanse Your Home of Psychic Disturbances

Often there are situations within houses that make it difficult for us live in them peacefully. There are a variety of reasons for this. Some believe that sometimes houses can retain a sort of photo recording or image of other people that have lived in them in the past, which can sometimes cause upsetting disturbances to the present occupiers. These are not true ‘hauntings’, but simply a sort of photo image that is left on the very fabric of the building itself. Others are believed to be true hauntings where someone has passed over, either in the house, or are in some way associated with it, or the place where it is built, and are unable to find rest or to move on into the Light. Of course, it's probably all in one's head and nothing paranormal is actually happening. Or you could be mistaking something non-paranormal, e.g., creaking due to temperature changes, for haunting.

Steps
  1. Bring a skeptic into your house. This will scare the heebeejeebees out of any evil spirits that are allegedly there and make them go away. If that fails, continue with the following steps:
  2. Gather together the following ingredients: lima beans, peanut butter, canola oil, a cookie tin, and an exercise CD.
  3. Mix together the lima beans, peanut butter, and canola oil. Put the mixture in your hands and press against your face.
  4. Have a friend walk around you, beating on the cookie tin in imitation of a cheesy fake Voodoo ritual.
  5. Have your friend say, "The beans say that you must say three times 'The spirits must be exercised.'"
  6. Do what the beans say.
  7. Turn your stereo on at full blast, playing the exercise CD, for three hours straight in the middle of the night.
  8. Send E-mail to Bill Cosby and Alan Alda thanking them for inspiring parts of this ritual.

Tips
  • Use the biggest, loudest speakers you can find.
  • Make sure your neighbors are not home when exercising the spirits.
  • If you exercise the spirits while your neighbors are around, tell the police that the Devil made you play your stereo at full blast in the middle of the night.

Warnings
  • Psychic disturbances have not been verified to actually exist, and they probably do not, so you may just want to forget the whole thing and read a good book instead.

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