Tuesday, September 5, 2006

12 'Elul 5766 * 5 September 2006: "New Rules"


Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is something silly from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.


New Rules

TO: All Personnel

FROM: Administration

SUBJECT: New Rules

After some studies we have decided to revise our rules regarding employee absenteeism. The following rules are now in effect:

SICKNESS: Absolutely no excuses. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCES FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation, as we believe that as long as you are an employee here you will need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

ACCIDENTS: Our safety programs and company policy preclude any lost time accidents. First aid in most instances will be treated during normal breaks. Application of splints, hemorrhage and artificial respiration may be done at other times, work-load permitting.

DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and there is always someone else with a lesser position who can attend to the arrangements. How ever, if the funeral can be held in the later afternoon, we will be glad to let you off ONE hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

DEATH (YOUR OWN): This will be accepted as an excuse, but a two week notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

NOTE: We have noticed that too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future we will practice going in alphabetical order. For instance, those with names beginning with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:15; "B" will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
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