Sunday, September 10, 2006

17 'Elul 5766 * 10 September 2006: Swap Ideas Day

Greetings.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing is The Generic Bad Movie Drinking Game, which Barry and I invented. Since its current location is imperiled (I graduated, remember), I am including it below. Suggested additions via comments are encouraged. Enjoy, and share the weirdness.

Aaron



The Generic Bad Movie Drinking Game

The Original Generic Bad Movie Drinking Game
Any time there’s a scene that appeared in the promos, you take a drink. If they showed it in the promos way too many times, you take two drinks.

If someone says a cliche or does anything cliched, that’s a drink.

Any time a monster appears (dinosaurs and aliens included), everyone takes a drink. If it is obviously a person in a rubber suit, two drinks. If it’s an especially gross or ugly monster, that’s 2 drinks. If the monster is ugly and gross, 3 drinks. Ugly, gross, and definitely a human in a rubber suit, 4 drinks.

Any time a teenage girl seduces an older man, everyone takes a drink. If the alleged teenager is played by someone in her twenties, two drinks.

If there’s a fight of any kind, including verbal and laser fire, everyone takes a drink. If the fight is physical and none of the good guys is shot or otherwise injured, two drinks.

Any time there is partial nudity, everyone takes a drink. Full nudity, two drinks. If they show a guy’s butt, everyone empties the bottle.

Any time there is an appearance of a former Star Trek actor (any series), everyone takes a drink.

Any time anything known to violate the laws of physics happens, take a drink. Any time anything known to violate the laws of psychology happens, take two drinks. Any time anything known to violate the laws of logic and mathematics happens, take three drinks. If more than one of these happens at the same time or happens in a cliched manner, empty the bottle.

On the first appearance of a character in an adaptation of a cartoon or series, if the character doesn’t look anything like he/she should, take a drink. If the character later does anything sex-related to another character he/she would not do so with in the cartoon or series, empty the bottle.

If a CGI character appears, takea drink. If the CGI looks fake, two drinks. If the character is Jar Jar Binks, empty the bottle.

If a character jumps from one roof to the next in a chase scene, take a drink. If a character changes vehicles while they are in motion, two drinks. If the character has sex with more than two other characters, empty the bottle.

If anything happens with displays gross ignorance on the part of the writers, take a drink. If the actor betrays not understanding the script, take two drinks. If anything happens which shows that the writer plainly doesn’t care that he/she’s ignorant, take three drinks.

If profanity is used, take a drink. If extreme profanity is used, take two drinks. If profanity is used which if removed would improve the script considerably, take three drinks.

If violence is used, take a drink. If violence which violates the laws of phys ics is used, take two drinks. If violence which if removed would considerably improve the script is used, take three drinks. If violence and profanity are used simultaneously, empty the bottle. If the violence involved involves a knee to the groin, empty the bottle. If violence, profanity, and sex are used simultaneously, empty the bottle.

Alex’s additions
If Christopher Lambert is in the movie, empty the bottle.

If an underwater fight scene lasts longer than five minutes without either combatant getting a breath of air, empty the bottle.

If a foreign actor is playing a foriegn character that is not their national origin, take a drink. If the actor is British, take two drinks.

If the hero/heroine must kill a former friend who has either turned bad, been impregnated with an alien fetus, or been transformed into a zombie, take a drink.

If someone screams: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” for whatever purpose, empty the bottle. (Beware when watching the death of Art Lean in Mortal Kombat, and do not operate heavy machinery afterward. This may include your VCR.)

If the walls bleed, take a drink.

If you can see the wires holding up spaceships or demons, take a drink.

If the camera shakes and everyone falls to the floor in the opposite direction, empty the bottle.

If the hero must battle skeletons, take a drink for each skeleton destroyed.

If there is a stop motion dinosaur, take a drink.

If the dinosaur is an iguana with a fake fin glued to it’s back, take a drink.

If there is a giant squid/octopus, take a drink.

Further additions by Aaron
If a monster of any sort moves slower than the average human, take a drink.

If an alien is humanoid, take a drink. If an alien is green, take two drinks. If an alien is dripping with slime, take three drinks. If the alien is humanoid, green, and dripping with slime, empty the bottle.

If an alien speaks English, take a drink.

If evil aliens attack the Earth, take the drink. If the aliens have a weak motive, take two drinks. If the aliens have a patently stupid motive, such as that in Independence Day, take three drinks. If the aliens have no motive at all, empty the bottle.

If high-tech people (aliens count as people) are depicted as evil and low-tech people as good, take a drink.

If humans and non-avian dinosaurs appear together, take a drink. If dinosaurs are depicted as scaly, cold-blooded, or sluggish, take two drinks. If the writers clearly don’t know that the famous finback Dimetrodon was not a dinosaur but a pelycosaur (“mammallike reptile”), take three drinks. If the writers think that humans evolved from dinosaurs, empty the bottle. If the writers have no comprehension of evolution at all, such as in Super Mario Brothers, empty two bottles.

If non-avian dinosaurs survive to the present day on an isolated island, take a drink.

If something escapes from a black hole, take a drink. If someone uses a black hole as a shortcut to somewhere else, take two drinks.

If the writers diss science or religion, take a drink. If the writers do not understand what science or religion are, take two drinks. If the writers think that science and religion are diametrically opposed, take three drinks. If the plot centers on portraying one of science or religion as evil and the other as good, empty the bottle.

If the writers do not understand the difference between logic and reason, take a drink. If the writers think logic and emotion are diametrically opposed, take two drinks.

If you can hear sounds in space, take a drink.

If the story is advertised as being a true story, but the story is clearly false, take a drink.

If Heaven is portrayed as being bright and shiny, take a drink. Bright and shiny with fluffy clouds, empty the bottle.

If angels are portrayed as having wings and wearing robes, take a drink. If angels are portrayed as having luminous circles suspended above their heads, take two drinks. If you can see the wire holding up the luminous circle, take three drinks. If Cupid is depicted as an angel, empty the bottle.

If the Devil is in the picture, take a drink. If the Devil wears red, has horns, and carries a pitchfork, take two drinks. If the Devil has hooves, take three drinks. If someone sells his/her soul to the Devil, take four drinks. If that person manages to get out of the deal and receive salvation, empty the bottle.

If the Devil's name is anything other than Satan, take a drink.

If an angel and a devil sit on someone’s shoulders and dispense advice, take a drink.

If a Greek god survives into the 20th century, take a drink.

If a evil being has no choice in the matter of doing good or evil (anymore than a human does), take a drink. Take one drink for every such being. If said being is undead, empty the bottle. Empty one bottle for every such being.

If the writers portray incompatible religions as compatible (e.g., Pharisaic/Orthodox Judaism and any form of Christianity), take a drink. If any form of mysticism, especially the Qabbaláh, is thrown into the mix, take two drinks. If the writers think all religions are the same or accepting of each other, take three drinks. If you have any uncertainty on these matters, empty the bottle.

If any religion is portrayed as being significantly older than it really is, take a drink. If this religion is Islam, take two drinks. If this religion is Wicca, take three drinks. If any religion maintains a secret organization charged with an important secret over many generations, empty the bottle.

If the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, or Romans are venerated or held in esteem in any way, shape, or form, take a drink. If their religions are portrayed as being the true religion, empty the bottle.

If ancient Hebrews/Israelites/Jews dress like modern Arabs, take a drink. If they shave, take two drinks. If they go about with uncovered heads, empty the bottle.

If anything anachronistic occurs, take a drink. If this anachronism happens to be popular at the time the movie is made, take two drinks. If you have any doubt on this matter, empty the bottle.

If a witch is either excessively beautiful or excessively ugly, take a drink. If a witch dresses in dark clothes and a pointy hat, take two drinks. If a witch is not evil, take three drinks. If a witch lives in modern times, empty the bottle.

If a monster, robot, or dinosaur kills a human, take a drink. If said monster, robot, or dinosaur has no motive, take two drinks. If a monster, robot, or dinosaur destroys at least one building, take three drinks. If said destruction takes place in Tokyo or New York City, empty the bottle.

If radioactivity causes any change in an organism other than cancer or death, take a drink. If the organism becomes hideous, take two drinks. Hideous and gigantic, take three drinks. Hideous, gigantic, and violent, empty the bottle.

If a human and an alien produce live offspring, take a drink. If the offspring is fertile, take two drinks. If the hybrid is Mr. Spock, empty the bottle.

If someone is cloned, take a drink. If the clone is born or decanted as an adult, take two drinks. If the clone has the memories of the cell donor, take three drinks. If the clone is evil, take four drinks. If more than one of these occurs, empty the bottle.

If dead people act evilly against the living, take a drink. If these evil dead have poor motives, take two drinks. If the evil dead have no motive, take three drinks. If the evil dead are Native Americans, empty the bottle.

If a serial killer wears distinctive clothing of any kind, take a drink. If the clothing includes a mask, take two drinks. If said serial killer is dead, take three drinks. If said serial killer is dead and wears a mask, empty the bottle.

If Earth is a major political power on an interstellar scale in the future, take a drink. If Earth is a major political power on a galactic scale, take two drinks. If Earth is a major political power on an intergalactic scale, take three drinks. If either you or the writers do not understand the difference between these scales, empty the bottle.

If a human is referred to as an “Earthling”, take a drink. If a human is referred to as an “Earther”, take two drinks. If a human is referred to as an “Earthian” or by any term that sounds even sillier, empty the bottle.

Further additions by Barry
If the person being chased is wearing high heels, take a drink. If he/she stumbles and falls while the pursuer is WALKING after him/her, take two drinks. If an irrelevant person gets killed by the pursuer who is walking after the true victim, take two drinks. If the pursuer who is walking manages to catch up to a pursuer running an obviously shorter distance, take two drinks. If a pursuer who is walking after his/her victim manages to make the kill, take three drinks. If this happens within ten meters of people who are paying attention to something else and thus do nothing to help the victim, empty the bottle.

If a woman is shown wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around her, take a drink. If the towel is arranged to show off her cleavage but obviously requires tape to keep it in that position without falling off her voluptuous body, take two drinks; repeat every time said cleavage can be seen.

If the person being stalked, attacked, hunted, etc., tries turning the tables on the baddie by becoming the one stalking, attacking, hunting, etc., take a drink. If this gambit actually succeeds in saving the would-be victim (which it almost invariably always does), empty the bottle.

If anyone gets amnesia from a blow to the head, take a drink. If the same person recovers due to another blow to the head, take two drinks. If memories of events are examined for new information not previously recalled, take three drinks. If this happens years after the events being recalled, empty the bottle.

Every time a car crashes and explodes, take a drink. If people in the car run away from it and it explodes afterwards, take two drinks. If they just barely get away and are sent flying from the explosion, empty the bottle.

If a giant snake actively hunts prey instead of ambush predation, take a drink. If a giant snake moves faster than a slow crawl doing anything other than a quick lunge, take two drinks. Take a drink for every human swallowed.

Take a drink for the appearance of any of the following names in the credits: Ed Wood, Joel Schumacher, Kevin Williamson, Akiva Goldsman, John Carpenter, Michael Crichton. Empty the bottle for the occurrence of two or more in the same movie.

If the title contains someone’s name before the title “proper” (e.g., Sam Armstrong’s Ready for Termination), take a drink. If this is the author of the book the movie is based on (e.g., Ursula K. LeGuin’s A Wrinkle in Time), take two drinks. If the name is John Carpenter, Stephen King, or Wes Craven (e.g., Wes Craven’s Pokemon), take two drinks. If the name is Disney (e.g., Disney’s The Story of O), empty the bottle.

Anytime someone makes an absurdly hereditarian statement (e.g., “Everyone in our society is assigned to jobs solely on the basis of genetic makeup because nothing else matters”), take a drink.

If someone recovers memories from a previous lifetime, take a drink. If this involves a change in genders between lifetimes, take two drinks. If that person looks in that lifetime exactly like they did in the current one, empty the bottle.

In a Joel Schumacher film, take a drink for each appearance of the following: a one-liner, a nipple, a gluteal region, a cod-piece, a fluorescent gangster, a nude male statue, the initial appearance of a horrible miscasting, an unbelievably stupid statement (e.g. “we will drill three concentric holes”), an example of the costumer failing to take the appropriate medications.

If someone gets graphically mutilated, take a drink. If someone gets killed as a result, take two drinks. If the baddie responsible is unusually short (e.g., a possessed doll, a gremlin, or a leprechaun in peppermint-striped stockings), take three drinks. If the baddie uses a really stupid or implausible method (e.g., psychic control of corn plants), empty the bottle. (Note: Watching this sort of movie plus this much alcohol may induce vomiting.)

At the first appearance of a voodoo doll, take a drink. Take a drink for every pin stuck in it that has an effect.

At the first appearance of a Budweiser sign, take a drink. Empty the bottle when the fight ensues.

If someone dresses as a member of the opposite sex, take a drink. If while doing so, they encounter members of the opposite sex in a state of undress (including partial), take two drinks. If they fall in love with someone they are interacting with while in transvestite garb, take three drinks. If, while confronting said person, they try revealing their true sex through partial bodily exposure, take four drinks. If this involves a woman flashing her breasts, empty the bottle.

If the bad guy laughs maniacally, take a drink. If the hero gets strapped into a stupid death machine, take two drinks. If the bad guy then gloats, take three drinks. If the bad guy, standing over the hero strapped into the death machine, explains his/her entire evil plan, empty the bottle.

If James Bond introduces himself as “Bond, James Bond” (or anyone else imitates this form of address), take a drink. If James Bond asks for “a vodka martini, shaken, not stirred,” take two drinks. If the hero uses a gadget which he/she got much earlier in the movie but just happens to be exactly what is needed in that specific instance, take a drink.

If the lead male character sleeps with more than one woman, empty the bottle for every woman he sleeps with after the first. If it’s only implied, just take a drink.

If a bad guy transforms into a monster (for any reason), take a drink. If a bad guy has a prosthetic (excluding glasses, dentures, and hearing aids), take two drinks. If a bad guy wears an eyepatch, empty the bottle.

In a series of films with a baddie who appears in most of them, if he/she does not appear in this one, take a drink. If someone else imitates him/her to commit a crime, take two drinks. If the crime involves killing children in a really stupid manner, take three drinks. If this is the film where the original baddie is brought back because the previous film sucked, empty the bottle.

If the baddie apparently dies, take a drink. If he/she definitely dies, take two drinks. If he/she definitely dies and there is absolutely, positively no way in the real world he/she could have survived and has zero chance of coming back, take three drinks. If the baddie who has absolutely, positively apparently died with zero chance of coming back in the previous film comes back, empty the bottle.

If the baddie apparently dies but suddenly reappears alive in the same film to try to kill the good guys, take a drink. Take another drink for each such resurrection.

For each one-liner, take a drink. Reduce to a sip if more than five occur.

If humanity has a last hope, take a drink. If that last hope is under thirty, take two drinks. If humanity’s last hope is attractive to women in a way that ticks off the boyfriends of those women, empty the bottle.

If a precious object is worn next to the heart, take a drink. If that object stops a projectile, empty the bottle.
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