Tuesday, May 29, 2007

‪י״ב סיון תשס״ז * 29 May 2007: End Of The Middle Ages Day


Last minute news: Another one of my papers has been published by The British Journal of Cancer.

Today’s news and commentary:Today’s weird thing was delivered by a strange-looking man in a trench coat and fedora. Since he seemed to be wearing a mechanical-looking mask and gloves and was carrying a pair of laser rifles, I am inclined to post his offering as it is:

Transformers: Identity Crisis

Week 2: Jazz/Meister

Greetings, people of Earth.

Optimus Prime poses in front of a screen as part of a press conference.

Yesterday, with public outrage mounting, Optimus Prime held a press conference defending his actions in the recent incident where he was caught monitoring others without authorization. He insists his presence was legitimate and he did nothing wrong as it is the job of Autobots to protect others. When asked why he was going about unlabeled, he claimed there were security matters that superseded the need for a warrant and that humans should be thankful for all the Autobots have done for them. This is, of course, a sign of the worst corruption: the refusal to be held accountable for one’s actions. Stomping away from the screen displaying the not-so-subliminal messages, he transformed and drove away, leaving many important questions unanswered.

“Do it with style or don’t bother doing it.”

In our previous communication, we discussed the Autobot public-relations officer Bumblebee, who is very popular among the humans. Another Autobot with some following among humans is Jazz, often referred to “Meister,” who often attends functions with humans, being a fan of Earth popular culture. His vehicular form is a Porsche 935 race car, his obtaining it being directly tied to the current public awareness of the Autobot presence. The first public appearance by an Autobot in humanoid mode occurred at a Formula One race when Mirage, disguised as a Ligier JS11 race car, abruptly transformed in front of a news crew and ran through a parking lot before transforming back into vehicular mode and driving off. His actions were prompted by the unexpected appearance of one of our finest officers, Constable Starscream, who had been reformatted into the vehicular form of an F-15 fighter jet. Starscream, having picked up radio signals suggestive of an Autobot, had swooped low to investigate. Mirage, who had never faced combat, took the sensible action, and Starscream pursued until he lost Mirage in a populated area. Ever-adaptable, the Autobots went public with their existence, claiming that Mirage actually was leading the “evil Decepticon” away to protect innocent humans. Bumblebee, still a Volkswagen Beetle, had himself redecoed a sunny yellow to look “cuter” and would soon lose the “battle mask” which was much more appealing to the Nazis than the Americans. Other Autobots appealed to other “pedestrian” interests of the humans, including sporting events. Thus several Autobots were reformatted as race cars, including Wheeljack, Smokescreen, and Jazz. (Like Volkswagen, the Porsche company opposed having an Autobot formatted after one of their cars, likely as Porsche also has a similar shameful history in Nazi Germany. Although Jazz allegedly has been reformatted as a Mazda RX-8, he often has been seen recently in his old Porsche form.)

It has been made public that Jazz is the Autobot “head of special operations,” the implication being that he directs other Autobots in battle against “evil Decepticons.” While he has been involved in conflicts with us, his actual role has largely been leading Autobots in battle against humans. This is clear in his recent appearances in the United States involvement in the current Iraqi religious-civil war, though his work in this area extends much further back.

The earliest documented involvement of Autobots fighting for the United States is during the United States-Vietnam War, where several Autobots, led by Jazz, helped repel the Tet Offensive. Though the United States eventually lost the war, the military was sufficiently impressed; Autobots continued to be used in a number of other conflicts, most occurring in Latin America and continuing up to the current Iraq War. Needless to say, most Autobots in war zones are not formatted as race cars or such; they are reformatted by replacing their detachable exterior plates so they resemble local vehicles without any color schemes or faction symbols which would make their presence obvious. Jazz himself in war zones usually presents himself as an old sports car (usually a Porsche 930) with considerable surface damage; a robot appearing from what looks like a “piece of junk” has proved to be a very effective disguise.

Jazz poses on the lawn of the White House with United States President George W. Bush and Laura Bush

While Jazz is currently frequently seen near the United States President or with military commanders, this association goes back to his time in the Third Reich. From his early meetings with the Nazi high command (where got the nickname “Meister,” German for “master”) he had adopted the vehicular form of a Mercedes touring car, and he soon was working with them, acting as a bodyguard for Adolf Hitler himself. Together they shared common cultural interests such as Hitler’s love of opera, especially Richard Wagner. Using his position, he was very influential, the full extent of which is just being learned. We now know that Jazz offered the services of several Autobots disguised as Allied military vehicles, including Warpath as a tank and Hound, Outback, Beachcomber, and Brawn as jeeps. Acting in false-flag operations, they were effective in surprising soldiers deep inside Allied territory; it was only the unusual nature of the attacks and the efforts of Allied commanders to avoid a panic that prevented tales of “killer jeep men” from becoming anything more than rumors. Jazz may have also supported or even participated in the harsh measures the Nazis used against dissidents and minorities, which were not far from how the Autobots treated their own opponents on Cybertron.

Jazz with German Fürher Adolf Hitler

Eventually, of course, even the Autobots could not save Nazi Germany, and the German empire was abandoned. Several Autobots at that time had abandoned the group, while one, today known as Powerglide but then Kamikaze, continued to fight for Japan in the guise of a Mitsubishi Zero until the Battle of Iwo Jima. The remaining Autobots managed to leave Berlin when it was besieged and make their way to meet at a contact point. The meeting had been prearranged and involved an officer in the British Royal Air Force, one who would play a large role in not just the Autobots’ future, but also that of the whole planet.

His name was James McCullen, XXIII.

Since World War II, Jazz has continued his studies of human entertainment, noting how hopes and fears are both reflected in and created through the media. He took the nickname “Jazz” after the uniquely American musical form, trying to portray himself as American in spirit. He frequently appears at “common” entertainment events to imply he too is “just one of the guys.” Despite this he sometimes errs in trying to impress others, particularly when he tries using colloquial terms. Most will remember how his misuse of hip-hop slang (“Me and ’bots always get jiggy booty-poppin’ upside our face gators”) was considered important news for a week, as well as his actually believing the invented words in a fraudulent “grunge dictionary.” (This is the source of the nickname popular among his detractors, “Cob Nobbler.”) Despite the pretenses, it has commonly been noted Jazz is often seen with government officials, including the current president, George W. Bush, a much more common occurrence than he was with the last one, Bill Clinton. In fact, Jazz was previously last seen this much with Clinton’s predecessor, George H. W. Bush, during the United States-Iraq War. For many entertainers, this association has made him a target, the implication being that Jazz is a bad influence on the White House. In the 1980s a band was named after one person’s dislike of the Autobot, Johnny Hates Jazz; one of their songs, “Shattered Dreams,” may be about him. The controversy has continued up to the present. More recently, Natalie Maines has controversially stated that “Real Americans don’t listen to Jazz,” while at a Green Day concert Jazz attended, lead singer Billie Joe Armstrong burned him in effigy on stage. (In contrast, other presidents have not been so severely criticized for their association with Autobots. Optimus Prime was nicknamed “Ronald Reagan’s guard dog” for his frequent posing on the White House lawn, George H. W. Bush had suggestions of replacing Vice President Dan Quayle with Bumblebee as the latter was “always around and could actually spell ‘potato’,” and many jokes were made about Bill Clinton “taking Arcee for a ride.”)

In our next communication we will discuss the famous Autobot medic Ratchet. Until then, we continue to wish you well.

Soundwave, Cybertonian Communicator

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