Monday, June 22, 2009

Beware of Optimus Prime


Jewish date: 30 Siwan 5769.

Today’s holiday: Ro’sh Ḥodhesh.

Today’s quasi-holiday: Stupid Guy Thing Day.

Relevant to Divine Misconceptions:
  1. More countries not getting freedom of religion:  “BELARUS: Religious freedom survey, June 2009”, “TAJIKISTAN: Muslims and Protestants are the latest official targets”, “TAJIKISTAN: Religion Law's worst impact is on Muslims”, “AZERBAIJAN: Further repressive Religion Law changes target Muslims”, “French move to ban the wearing of the burqa”, “MOLDOVA: Government repeatedly acts against ECHR judgements”, “Vietnam: Police Attack House Church, Jail Leaders”.
  2. “US girl 'burnt in voodoo ritual”:  Major rule:  whatever gods exist do not stand in the way of human stupidity.
  3. “Witch anger at Catholic club ban”:  This complaint makes no sense.  Wicca is not something Catholicism approves of.  Why should Wiccans expect any accommodation whatsoever?
Today’s news and commentary:
Previously on this blog I have posted material written by Transformers, including an exposé by the Decepticon Communicator Soundwave, a public apology by an immature robot named Microtron, and an open letter by the Autobrat Commander Arcee.   (These may all be found on the Cave of Spleen page.)  With Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen about to hit the theaters, our extraterrestrial robot guests are again getting noisy.  Today’s weird thing of the day is the text of the recent statement given by Autobot Commander Optimus Prime, included below.  Enjoy and share the weirdness.


To the people of the United States, and to all the people of Earth:
As has been reported in your media, I have been freed from the tyranny of the evil Decepticons, who have held me captive for the past two years. My freedom is due to the bravery and valor of my Autobot warriors, who also set free many other fine Autobots who have been also been imprisoned and tortured. We have most to thank Ultra Magnus, who, while acting as Autobot commander in my absence, organized and executed a rescue operation. While the majority of Decepticon forces were engaged elsewhere, the Aerialbots, Powerglide, and Swoop were able to were able to penetrate the defenses of the Decepticon warship and free the captives. Our warriors, who have so long defended human freedom and liberty, have done an admirable job. We are all pleased to be back on friendly soil among our human friends, whom we are pledged to protect just as they have sheltered us.
Our captivity among the Decepticons has been difficult, and we we have suffered greatly at their hands. Many of us have not made it back. In particular Mirage, in an act of exceptional bravery, charged ahead to fight off Astrotrain and two Seekers when they unexpectedly returned. He personally wrestled with Thundercracker, wrenching away one of his plasma canons, which he used to defend himself against the Decepticon commander Megatron. Mirage paid with his life, destroyed by a barrage of enemy fire that reduced him to scrap metal, but not without seriously wounding Megatron and allowing us to escape in the process. We owe him a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid.
We have faced many challenges recently. The Decepticons have sought to poison everything within their grasp, not only the well-being of the human community on Earth, but also the Autobots ourselves. Too many have been swayed to their evil cause through ignorance and propaganda, or have let themselves think they have some spark of decency which can be appealed to. I have seen firsthand what they do and have been tortured by them, pains unlike any human can imagine. We cannot be so foolish as to give the Decepticons such a chance to manipulate us. Such a path can only lead to death and destruction.
Soon you will be able to see a new film, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, in your theaters. Many of the elements of this movie, of course, are fiction. Nevertheless, it accurately portrays the kinds of fiends the Decepticons are and the type of evils they associate with and draw upon. We have strived for an accurate portrayal, and we have worked diligently with producer Michael Bay and the writers to provide them with an deep understanding of our history and culture. We have long warned the Decepticons have plotted with such evil-doers as Unicron and the Fallen and have worked long to impose their evil dominion on the universe. Every human should take this opportunity to educate themselves about threat the Decepticons pose to their planet.
Stay strong, humans! The Decepticon menace is a serious one, and it will not be easily defeated. But together, humans and Autobots, we will continue to work together to stop this threat, and in the end, we will make Earth a safer and better planet.
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