Monday, July 11, 2005

11 July 2005/4 Tammuz 5765: National Slurpee Day


Update on Dennis (non-weird): The storm seems to have been just a nuisance, with no reports of casualties at this time. (Thank God.)

As I noted on Friday, Islamic terrorists really suck at being bad guys, coming off as more pathetic than powerful. In order to further mock them, I hereby declare today’s weird thing to be So You've Decided to be Evil: A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness. Not only does it provide step-by-step instructions, but it also helps you create your own evil plan. I had it generate one randomly, and this is what it produced:
    Congratulations on being the creator of a new
    Evil Plan (tm)!

    Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

    Your motive is a little bit more complex: So another race can take over

    Stage One
    To begin your plan, you must first traumatize a news reporter. This will cause the world to wipe the sleep from their eyes, amazed by your arrival. Who is this Threat to our Children? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a Corporate Suit?

    Stage Two
    Next, you must poison the Grand Canyon. This will all be done from a fake mountain, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will spontaneously combust, as countless hordes of animal minions (rats, birds, etc.) hasten to do your every bidding.

    Stage Three
    Finally, you must prepare your time machine, bringing about an End to Sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with fear, and no man will ever again dare make you clean your room. Everyone will bow before your Unmatched Physical Prowess, and the world will have no choice but to restore your credit rating.

Enjoy, but don't bother trying to take over the World. I’m doing that next Tuesday.

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