Sunday, July 3, 2005

3 July 2005/26 Siwan 5765: Stay Out Of The Sun Day


Worthy cause: There’s another MoveOn PAC petition out. Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has resigned from the Supreme Court. Please sign and tell the people in Washington not to allow a far-right wacko to be her replacement. Thank you.

Today’s weird thing is something a tentacled creature with a death ray has asked me to post, which I have included below. (I have to get around to typing in what I wrote about Canada.) Enjoy.


We, the member nations of the Martian Organization of States, wish to register our complete and total offense at the new movie War of the Worlds. This movie, which depicts an invasion of Earth by Martians, is nothing but unfounded slander, as was the outrageous piece of fluff fantasy of a book it was based on. We demand an immediate apology from the Earthling United Nations for the whole matter.

Most Earthlings are unaware of the long civilized history of Mars. Of all the planets in the Solar System, Mars was the first to develop civilization over twenty million of your Earth years ago, and at times we have been the most advanced planet with regards to mathematics, science, and technology, not to mention our fine command of poetry. Even though Earth has temporarily taken the lead of us in the academic and industrial pursuits, we are completely justified in feeling superior to you puny Earthlings, simply because we are and because the Divine made us this way, so we should not have to put up with your stupid, unjustified insults.

Even those actions which have been depicted as "invasions" are not really so. Being the most enlightened and favored beings in the universe, we of course were moved to spread our wisdom and philosophy throughout the Solar System. As is well known, the flying gasbag aliens of Jupiter and the uncivilized aborigines of Titan have been much happier and more moral people once we arrived and forced them to stop doing all horrible, sickening, and perverted offenses against the will of the Divine that they enjoyed in their wickedness. We have done thusly in many places, and if those sneaky Venusian infidels hadn't cheated and temporarily delayed our good works at the Battle of Ceres, you ignorant Earthlings would also be basking in the glory of the Divine as well right now.

Yes, we are aware that some Martians have allegedly been landing on Earth, blowing up things, killing people, and so forth. We realize you have plenty of pictures, documents, and videorecordings to back up these claims, but you need not worry yourselves with such faulty evidence. The few Martians you have captured allegedly doing these things are abberant individuals whose behavior is in no way reflective of the Martian people as a whole. In any case their intentions were pure in that they desired only to spread civilization and our noble philosophy, so this makes everything they did alright anyhow. Yes, it is a bit sad that some Earthlings died, but, face it, not being Martians, your lives are not worth much anyway. It is you Earthlings who should be ashamed of yourselves, and when you hear about mass protests on Mars where we burn the flag of the United Nations and chant "Death to Earthlings," you should take an Earth minute to pause and think about what a terrible excuse for a personlike being you are that you made us do this. Is it any wonder that if we were to visit your planet and slaughter a bunch of Earthlings, we would be completely justified? In any case, everyone knows that the last major attack on your planet, which we have been unfairly accused of doing by some evil Earthlings and a large mound of evidence, was really an operation of the Venusian Defense Force. Venusians, as you know, insidiously control the entire Solar System.

In conclusion, the War of the Worlds book and movie are completely unfair and insulting depictions of Martians, for which we deserve an immediate apology, which is more than you deserve. After all, we are completely reasonable people, even in the face of blasphemies from stupid, barbaric aliens such as yourselves. In fact, we want to make every attempt to show you what kind of wonderful friends we can be. So, the next time you see Martian transport cylinders falling out of the sky or a metal tripod armed with a deadly heat ray coming towards you, just stand very still and smile. After all, it is just us coming to share our enlightenment.

Prince Gzzruixxhis Fzzadhixxuf of Central Cydonia, Martian Ambassador to the United Nations
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