24 Tammuz 5765/31 July 2005: Our planet needs a new name

Greetings.

Weird news: “Mystery Tree Planter Strikes Again” (I cannot make stuff like this up!”)

If you have been paying attention to the news, you will know that two sizable Kupier Belt objects, 2003 EL61 and 2003 UB313 have been discovered recently, the later of which is being pushed as a candidate for the title of the tenth planet. (Expect a big fight on this, especially since the term “planet” has no accepted definition.) Actual names for these objects have not been given yet, though intuition suggests that “Proserpine” or its Greek equivalent “Persephone” is likely, as this name has been suggested before in science-fiction. (The suggestions “Dave” and “Alvin”, from the TV show Alf, are way too silly for actual use.)

This leads me to think: our own planet needs a better name. “Earth”, which literally means “dirt”, is due purely to a historical accident: we labeled that part of the world we live on “earth”, and then before we knew it, the term was applied to the whole planet. The adjectival form, “Earthling”, is just downright silly. We really need to rethink this, because if we don’t, all the other civilizations we come into contact with are going to make fun of us. Therefore, let me make a couple of suggestions:

• Terra, with our primary star being Sol and our natural satellite being Luna. I am well aware these are just the Latin forms, but these names have precedent and are different enough to hide the meanings from non-Latin-speaking aliens.
  
• Huma or Humania. These are back-formations from the accepted English name of our species, “human”. No one will think it remarkable that humans come from Huma or Humania.
  
• Human-Homeworld or Homo sapiens-Homeworld.
  
• Blueworld. This grows out of the fact that Rabbinic Hebrew changed the term for the Sun from hashShemesh to haHammah (“the Hot One”) and the term for the Moon from hayYareah to halLevanah (“the White One”) to avoid residual idolatrous connotations. According to this logic, our planet should be hakKeholah, “the Blue One”, or massaged into English, Blueworld. This highlights our planet’s beautiful appearance from space. A side benefit of this would be that our planetary anthem would be a song by the Blue Man Group. It also lessens the chances that if we choose a planetary clothing style that we will all end up wearing mylar.
  
• Aaron’s World. This is a long-shot, but I figure it’s worth proposing anyway.

Go ponder.

Aaron

22 Tammuz 5765/29 July 2005: Slogan-writing and Mac Mini hacking

Greetings.

Cause of the day: Fire Karl Rove Slogan Contest.

Today’s weird thing is a mildly strange hack. Namely, someone wanted a server with an uninterruptible power supply and thus added an internal battery to a Mac Mini. Apparently buying an iBook would have been too easy. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.

Aaron

21 Tammuz 5765/28 July 2005: National Drive-Thru Day

Greetings.

Political commentary: The other day I saw a Gilbert and Sullivan tape and on it was a song from “H.M.S. Pinafore” sung by Sir Joseph Porter which reminded me of how political appointments (such as in the Bush administration) often work. If I may quote:

When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- He polished, etc.

As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the writs with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand--
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- He copied, etc.

In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute,
And that pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- And that pass examination, etc.

Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership.
And that junior partnership, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- But that kind, etc.

I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party's call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- He thought so little, etc.

Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule--
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. -- Stick close, etc.

Since today is National Drive-Thru Day, today’s weird thing is something in my Weird thing of the day source folder that matched the search “drive-through”. Ultimately it comes from an anonymous author via Emily’s collection.

WARNING: Do any on the stuff mentioned in today’s weird thing at your own risk. If you do any of this stuff and it has adverse consequences, yet you complain to me anyway, you implicitly agree to allow me or my representatives to throw Gund Snuffles bears at you.

Enjoy.

Aaron

---

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner: "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

"And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...

20. Send this e-mail to someone to make them smile...it's called therapy...

20 Tammuz 5765/27 July 2005: Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing, randomly chosen from a folder full of stuff like many weird things of the day, comes from Emily’s collection and is included below. You can ask Barry how accurate it is. Enjoy.

Aaron

---

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell
you Why.

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then
took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Happy Holidays!!

19 Tammuz 5765/26 July 2005: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

Greetings.

Still in zombie mode. Unsure how I’m managing to get anything done.

Political update: “GOP Senators Push Detainee Treatment Rules”, i.e., McCain is breaking rank with the GOP and pushing for humane treatment of the prisoners at Guantanamo, which Bush and co. are dead-set against.

Today’s weird thing is the article “Santas From Across Globe Meet in Denmark”, which notes that there really is a Santa Claus, though perhaps not in the sense you might be expecting. Enjoy.

Aaron

18 Tammuz 5765/25 July 2005: Sysadmin Day

Greetings.

Personal news: I have submitted the winning punch-line to another Sev Wide Web cartoon contest That puts my total up to three so far.

Weird health news: “Maggot Treatment Saves Mich. Woman's Foot” (I cannot make this up!)

In honor of Sysadmin Day, today’s weird thing is an item from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.

Aaron

---

Computer One Line Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DIVORCE.BAT found... deleting C:

Hard Disk space: the final frontier!

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am logged in, therefore I am.

I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.

I know I'm supposed to back up my files, but I still haven't found reverse on my PC.

I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun

I'll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

If you read in the bathroom, is that multitasking?

In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed

Intel - still number 0.999873464508.

ISDN: I Still Don't kNow

ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER

My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.

Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.

Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt

Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K.

Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[} _+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

Real programs don't eat cache.

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface...

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

System halted. Press Enter key to continue.

System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue.

System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the
programmer.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

The name is Baud... James Baud

17 Tammuz 5765/24 July 2005: Fast Commemorating the Breaching of the Walls of Jerusalem

Greetings.

Today is a fast day, when silliness, which is liable to come up in many weird things, is not really appropriate. As such, in lieu of a proper weird thing, you are getting a draft unilateral peace plan for Israel I have created, included below. This is an unusual in that 1) it is purely unilateral with only Israel’s involvement being necessary and 2) unlike other peace plans, it is designed to bring about peace and not foolish try to bribe aggressors.

Aaron

---

Solving the Israeli-“Palestinian” conflict

So far all “peace plans” to end the Israeli-“Palestinian” conflict have been miserable failures. The sole cause of this has been that the “Palestinians” have consistently failed to live up to their obligations and instead have interpreted making an agreement as an opportunity to engage in acts of terrorism. Since this is war, let it be treated thusly. To this end, I am proposing a purely unilateral plan whose aim is to actually bring an end to the Israeli-“Palestinian” conflict, presented below. Note “unilateral”; agreement of the “Palestinians” or any third party is unnecessary and highly unlikely anyway.

International directives:
1. Pay no attention to what other countries and organizations say. This includes the US, the EU, the UN, and every Muslim state. These have historically tended to get in the way of problem-solving and have done what they could to prolong the conflict, often deliberately, for short-term political gain.
2. Diplomats who support prolonging the conflict will be deemed persona non grata and be given 24 hours to leave Israel.
3. Countries and groups working against Israel will receive no favors, periods.
4. New slogan of Israel: “WE DON’T CARE.” This will be displayed prominently wherever appropriate.

National directives:
1. The use of the term “Palestinian” will be terminated. That term only exists to perpetuate lies without the least historical basis. The people to whom the misnomer is applied today are descendants of Syrians, Jordanians, and Egyptians who were dishonorably abandoned behind enemy liens after their own countries started unprovoked wars so they could be used as pawns in an Orwellian game. Henceforth these people will be known as “Stateless Arabs”. If they object, they will be known as “Losers”. Their choice.
2. All security measures to keep Israel safe will be done without regard to the Stateless Arabs approve or find them convenient. They are responsible for such measures being needed; let them bear the burden.
3. Judea, Samaria, and Gaza will be annexed immediately and unconditionally. The Arabs attacked Israel. They lost the wars and territory. Let them get over it.
4. Due to their history of terrorism, supporting terrorism, and tolerating terrorism and violence, all Stateless Arabs who even express the slightest approval of any antisocial behavior will be deemed persona non grata and given 24 hours to leave Israel. This goes double for any of them who act antisocial, especially violently. If they do not leave on their own, they will be shot with a tranquilizer dart, stuffed in a crate, and shipped to France. (France loves such people; therefore they can have them.)
5. All Stateless Arabs will be forbidden to own weapons of any kind. They will have 24 hours to surrender them. After than, any Stateless Arab possessing a weapon will deported to France.
6. All Stateless Arabs will be encouraged to emigrate. A calculation will be made how much it costs to protect Israel from each Stateless Arab per year. Any Stateless Arab who emigrates will be entitled to that amount. Those who decide to come back for any reason will pay double that amount or be denied entry.
7. The only official language of Israel will be Hebrew, with English as the acknowledged international language. Everything official will be done in Hebrew—road signs, tax forms, education, driver registration, everything. Use of Arabic will be discouraged, and it will not be taught in schools. If the Stateless Arabs do not like it, they can leave.
8. All Arab, Islamic, and Arabic broadcasts will be blocked.
9. Israelis will be allowed to live anywhere in Israel, including Judea, Samaria, and Gaza. There be will no Jew-free regions. Stateless Arabs who object to Jews living anywhere will be deported.
10. All religions sites with any non-Muslim claim will be completely removed from Muslim control. There will be no exceptions. The first of these will be the Temple Mount. The waqf currently in charge will be dissolved. All those who participated in the wholesale destruction of Temple Mount artifacts will be prosecuted. All Islamic structures on the Temple Mount will be unceremoniously demolished, the blocked gates will be opened, and that cemetery moved. A proper archaeological examination of the Mount will be held, and the Temple will be rebuilt as soon as reasonably possible.
11. There will be no talk of giving even the slightest amount of self-rule to Stateless Arabs until they have learned to behave themselves.

15 Tammuz 5765/22 July 2005: "I'm eating what?"

Political update: See Backspin for information on various political shenanigans. I finally got around to putting it in the sidebar under “Recommended reading”.

Today’s weird thing is the article “Burgers from a lab? Study says it's possible”. I don’t know whether or not to be scared by the idea of cultured meat, and I really don’t know whether it would be kasher or not.

Shabbath shalom.

Aaron.

14 Tammuz 5765/21 July 2005: National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing is a little something from Emily’s collection and included below. Enjoy.

Aaron

---

Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.
1. The dog lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups.

The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.

13 Tammuz 5765/20 July 2005: Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics

Greetings.

Worthy cause of the day: There’s a new MoveOn.org petition on-line. Please sign and show the Senate that George W. Bush’s nominee to the Supreme Court, John Roberts, is not acceptable to the American people and thus must be opposed.

Due to inspiration from something I was watching last night, today’s weird thing is Intuitor Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics. Even if you don’t understand all the physics jargon, much of the articles are comprehensible to mere mortals. This includes reviews to movies with various levels of physics quality.

Scene I just wrote inspired by one of the reviews:

GREEN GOBLIN: So, Dr. Octopus—

DR. OCTOPUS: That’s Dr. Otto Octavius to you. We’re not on a nickname basis.

GREEN GOBLIN: So Dr. Octavius, what makes you think you can take down the Hulk?

DR. OCTOPUS: When Dr. Banner changes into the Incredible Hulk, he gets bigger. That means he gets less dense or has to acquire more mass. The former is unlikely, since he gets stronger. Since we don’t see him gulping dirt or rocks whenever he starts turning green, I can only think of one possibility where the extra mass comes from.

GREEN GOBLIN: What’s that?

DR. OCTOPUS: Watch this.

Dr. Octopus produces a pincushion from his pocket and grabs a pin with one of his artificial arms. He then approaches the Hulk, who is busy smashing a Windows machine.

HULK: MACHINE GIVE HULK BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! NOW MACHINE DIE!

DR. OCTOPUS: Hey, Hulk.

HULK: What?

Dr. Octopus sticks the pin into the Hulk. A popping noise is heard, and the Hulk, growing smaller, is blown all over the place, screaming.

GREEN GOBLIN: Uh, yeah, I knew that’s how he did it all along.

DR. OCTOPUS: Uh-huh.

Enjoy.

Aaron

12 Tammuz 5765/19 July 2005: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince spoilers

Greetings.

Notable news:

• “Suddenly, It's Hip to Be Square”
  
• “Fewer elephants with tusks born in China”—Natural selection in action.
  
• “Free Diabetes Drugs Could Save U.S. Money”—A stitch in time saves nine.
  
• Optimus keyboard—I plan on buying one when it comes out.

Today’s weird things are some spoilers for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince of doubtful accuracy which a Death Eater asked me to post:

• The “half-blood” prince is so-called because he drinks so much that it seems half of his blood is really alcohol.
  
• Voldemort was responsible for the Bush administration.
  
• McGonnagal secretly pays Hermione to keep Harry from flunking out of Hogwarts.
  
• Harry is shocked to hear Snape utter the immortal words “Harry, I am your father!”
  
• Snape is caught crying like a baby in his office and admits to just wanting to be loved.
  
• Hermione falls in love with Crabbe.
  
• Voldemort is no longer a threat. Neville Longbottom stabs him in the back (literally) and seizes control of the Death Eaters and, by the end of the book, all of England.
  
• Hagrid’s half-brother Grawpe defeats a huge, radioactive lizard, but he decides to relax afterwards by sitting down on Hogwarts and inadvertently collapses half of the building.
  
• Owl nuts (a treat for Hedwig and Pigwidgeon) are made from people!

Enjoy.

Aaron

11 Tammuz 5765/18 July 2005: National Ice Cream Day

Greetings.

I’m running very late today, so I declare today’s weird thing to be the article “Hippo, Believed Among Oldest, Turns 54”, which was suggested to me by Rupert and the gang. Enjoy.

Aaron

CV update

In response to a suggestion from “Anonymous”, I have directly linked to my latest paper on my CV. I have therefore removed a direct link to the paper from the sidebar, that being unnecessary. I have also add links to two disease-related books in my “Recommended Reading” sidebar. Enjoy.

Aaron

10 Tammuz 5765/17 July 2005: Shark Awareness Day/Harry Potter Sick-Out Week

Greetings.

Political thinking: I have to reread Nineteen Eighty-Four. It struck me Friday night that the three party slogans, “WAR IS PEACE”, “FREEDOM IS SLAVERY”, and “IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH” may well be applicable to the Israeli-Arab conflict and the Bush administration.

Trivial spoiling of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: The first word of chapter 1 is “It”.

TV reminder: Nature on PBS tonight at 8 PM, special episode “Hippo Beach”.

The official description of Shark Awareness Day is “Be on the lookout for the dreaded land-shark, they strike today”. I therefore deem today’s weird things to be the “Jaws II” skit and the “Trick-or-Treating Land Shark” skit. Enjoy.

Aaron

8 Tammuz 5765/15 July 2005: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory now in theaters

Greetings.

Today is the release of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a remake of a horror movie based on a lousy book by Roald Dahl. My brother Barry has written a rant on why that movie deserves to be included in the horror genre, but I won’t go further along that track but instead will use this as an opportunity to post stuff about chocolate, the only candy really worth eating. See “Dark chocolate seen healthy for arteries” for a good excuse to eat chocolate. Now, since one study alone is insufficient to act upon, for your convenience I am also including three useful rationalizations from the collection of fellow chocolate-lover Emily below. Enjoy, have some chocolate, and Shabbath shalom.

Aaron

---

Chocolate is a Vegetable


Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.  
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar BEETS.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember: "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

---

Can't eat... beef (mad cow)...
poultry or eggs (bird flu)...
pork (fear of bird flu infecting piggies)...
fish (heavy metals in the water)...
fruit & veggies (insecticides & herbicides)...
guess that leaves CHOCOLATE.

---

Chocolate Rules
============
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, So eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark and white chocolate, is this considered a balanced diet?

Money talks. Chocolate sings!

Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.

Zombie syndrome-induced bonus material

Greetings.

1) Barry has noted that a few copies of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince have been accidentally sold ahead of time. This has led to “overkill” efforts to retrieve said books out of a fear that the reading experience of the rest of us who haven’t received our copies yet might be spoiled. Personally I doubt that would happen; books in the series have been getting progressively longer (the last one was over 800 pages), so anyone getting a copy a few days early probably would still not be finished by the official release date and thus would still not be able to spoil the ending for anyone else. Obviously this whole incident is the work of Lord Voldemort.

2) Rupert, Iphigenia, Hungry Hungry, Sweetie, and Hazel wish me to inform you that this Sunday at 8 PM, PBS will be showing a very special episode of Nature, “Hippo Beach”. They encourage everyone to watch. In a related note, Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen encourages everyone to not watch.

Aaron

7 Tammuz 5765/14 July 2005: Bastille Day

Greetings.

Since today is Bastille Day, I searched my hard drive for "Bastille Day", and the only things sharable which mentioned it were the works of Samuel Clemens, AKA Mark Twain, an historic weird author. I therefore declare today’s weird things to be the works of Samuel Clemens. Enjoy.

Aaron

13 July 2005/6 Tammuz 5765: Embrace your geekness Day

Greetings.

In honor of Embrace your geekness Day, today’s weird thing is an essay which reads like something written by the title character of the defunct cartoon series Daria, “Why Nerds are Unpopular”. WARNING: This is a somewhat scary analysis of the high school experience and what is wrong with American public schools. It chimes a lot with my own high school experience, and according to Barry, the blog’s psychology expert, it’s plausible. On the bright side, as mentioned on 10 June, nerds make better lovers, so we do get the last laugh. (Yes, this is shameless self-promotion.)

Aaron

Worthy cause of the day

Greetings.

The wonderful people at MoveOn PAC have out a petition for Bush to fire Karl Rove. Basically, Bush said he would fire who exposed undercover CIA agent Valerie Plame. Now it’s come out that Karl Rove was the culprit. Since Bush is an allegedly religious Christian, he therefore has to keep his word (see Numbers 30:3 and Deuteronomy 23:24) or else be exposed as a hypocrite. Please take a minute and remind him of his religious duty. Thank you, and may God be with you.

Aaron

12 July 2005/5 Tammuz 5765: International Town Criers Day

Greetings.

Political update: Karl Rove’s in trouble! Karl Rove’s in trouble! Also, there have been noteworthy articles lately in Backspin.

Today’s weird thing is a classic of weird poetry with a town crier in it: “The Hunting of the Snark: An Agony in Eight Fits”. This is a must-read for all students of weirdness. Enjoy.

Aaron

Worthy cause of the day

Greetings.

MoveOn PAC is now collecting donations to fight a (frighteningly likely) radical conservative Bush appointment to the Supreme Court. If you have a few extra bucks you’re wondering what to do with, helping protect our legal rights would be worthwhile. Thank you for your help.

And I’m getting a vision that when I get to Israel (God willing) I end up pulling this sort of stuff with the government over there. Someone please stop me if I consider starting my own party, because with my sense of humor it’ll be the Groucho Marxist Party...

Aaron

11 July 2005/4 Tammuz 5765: National Slurpee Day

Greetings.

Update on Dennis (non-weird): The storm seems to have been just a nuisance, with no reports of casualties at this time. (Thank God.)

As I noted on Friday, Islamic terrorists really suck at being bad guys, coming off as more pathetic than powerful. In order to further mock them, I hereby declare today’s weird thing to be So You've Decided to be Evil: A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness. Not only does it provide step-by-step instructions, but it also helps you create your own evil plan. I had it generate one randomly, and this is what it produced:

Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: So another race can take over

Stage One
To begin your plan, you must first traumatize a news reporter. This will cause the world to wipe the sleep from their eyes, amazed by your arrival. Who is this Threat to our Children? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a Corporate Suit?

Stage Two
Next, you must poison the Grand Canyon. This will all be done from a fake mountain, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will spontaneously combust, as countless hordes of animal minions (rats, birds, etc.) hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three
Finally, you must prepare your time machine, bringing about an End to Sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with fear, and no man will ever again dare make you clean your room. Everyone will bow before your Unmatched Physical Prowess, and the world will have no choice but to restore your credit rating.

Enjoy, but don't bother trying to take over the World. I’m doing that next Tuesday.

Aaron

Hurricane Dennis

Greetings.

As you have probably heard already, Florida and nearby areas have been hit by Hurricane Dennis. Any hurricane is a tragedy, but my mother has pointed out to me a photograph showing that some people can show humor in the face of danger. Enjoy, and please pray for those affected by the storm. (Come to think of it, if they start collecting funds or items for hurricane victims, actual donations would be good, too.)

Aaron

10 July 2005/3 Tammuz 5765: Review of The Fantastic Four

Greetings.

Today’s weird thing is a movie review sent to me by an old friend, included below (the review, not the friend). Enjoy.

Aaron

---

Good evening.

I recently heard about what sounded like one, one wonderful film: The Fantastic Four. I have always loved numbers, and I thought to myself, What could be more fantastic than the number four? Four is one of my favorite numbers! I must see this film! So my bats and I went to the nearest movie theater and bought tickets on the day it was released. This movie was definitely not what I thought it would be. I admit I was a bit disappointed at first, since I had expected that the hero of the story would be a fantastic number four; instead the story was about four superheroes. This, however, is good, since four is a number of superheroes which has not appeared in any movie I have seen before. The number of supervillains was a bit boring: one, only one. Batman Returns, Batman and Robin, and Daredevil had two supervillains each, and Batman Forever had three!  But The Fantastic Four had just one.  One is a wonderful number, but as a number of supervillains, it’s been done to death. This supervillain didn’t even have an unusual feature worth counting, such as Dr. Octopus’s four mechanical arms in Spiderman 2 or Two-Face’s two faces in Batman Forever. Still, I found plenty of things to count, starting with Dr. Doom wanting a second opinion and thus making up for his unremarkable appearance. Since the central characters are superheroes and a supervillain, one can count their superpowers and how many times they use them. There are plenty of action sequences, where one can count how many bullets are fired, how many things explode, how many vehicles are totaled, and how many people have to run for their lives. The Thing alone was a numerical delight since he had zero ears and 189 scale-like formations on his skin. And those who feel romantically inclined will have the pleasure of counting the sparks that fly between Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, and the number of times the Human Torch hits on women. All these opportunities for counting more than make up for my initial disappointment and the clichéd number of supervillains. And if one is feeling too mentally tired to count (if that is even possible), there are plenty of entertaining numbers on computer screens. I haven’t had this much fun since I saw 2001!

My rating: Four, four fantastic stars out of four! Ah, ah, ah, ah! (Who would expect anything less from my favorite studio, 20th Century Fox?)

Count von Count
123 Sesame Street, Apartment 456
New York, NY 10033

8 July 2005/1 Tammuz 5765: Ro'sh Hodhesh Tammuz, Video Games Day

Greetings.

Political taunting: In dishonor of the terrorists who attacked London yesterday, I would like to note that the prospects of Islamic terrorists to take over the Earth are dismal. Attacking the blatantly weakest places possible only demonstrates that one is pathetic. As such, I wish to taunt the London terrorists by inviting them to look at Evil Overlord, Inc., which gives meaningful instructions of how to be an evil overlord and get away with it through use of wisdom. Of course, if terrorists had any wisdom, they wouldn’t bother with violence and would find more sensible ways of dealing with their problems.

Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and included below. Enjoy.

---

EXAM FUN

Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studied for, and you are going to fail the class anyway!


Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Bring cheerleaders.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Bring pets.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

The blasts in London

Greetings.

An anonymous reader complained that I didn’t report anything about the terrorist attack in London today. I finally have something weird on it, and that would be an article on those claiming responsibility for the blasts, “Report: Islamic Group Claims London Blasts”. The quotes of the statement by “The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe” betray clichéd, stupid, and morally primitive thinking. The best example of this is the phrase “Zionist crusader government of Britain”, which is wildly inaccurate since 1) the UK has consistently acted against the interests of the State of Israel and the Jewish people even back in the days of the British Mandate, and thus it cannot be labeled “Zionist”, and 2) there have been no Crusaders for centuries, so it cannot be labeled “crusader” either; such a phrase is most likely an attempt to identify Britain as “the enemy” and thus rationalize an attack which is unlikely to succeed in its stated goal of persuading governments to pull their troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan. (If they really wanted that, they would have handed over Usama bin Laden right after 9/11 and have been stringent that there be no terrorism after the US conquered Iraq, thereby eliminating any reason for there to be further military action in either country and giving the US and the UK every reason to send their troops home.)

Aaron

7 July 2005/30 Siwan 5765: Ro'sh Hodhesh Tammuz

Greetings, and happy new month!

Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy.

Aaron

---

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

New Aaron info page

Greetings.

Just added my CV to the blog, with certain obvious bits of info (telephone number, snail- and E-mail addresses) omitted to avoid junk mail, spam, and telemarketers. People who actually have real use in knowing such things can E-mail me.

Aaron

6 July 2005/29 Siwan 5765: National Fried Chicken Day

Greetings.

Junior Crabtree, in an attempt at atoning for helping Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen post to my blog, sent me what he alleges is a lost scene from Star Wars: Episode IV—A New Hope. I’m not sure I believe it.

---

INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON, DINING AREA.

Luke and Obi-Wan are having dinner. Luke is eating with his hands. Obi-Wan looks displeased.

OBI-WAN
To become a Jedi, you must perfect yourself in all areas of life, including table manners.

LUKE
(shrugs)
Everyone on Tattooine eats like this.

OBI-WAN
But a Jedi has to be a gentleman and do the right thing, even if no one else is doing it.
(holds out an eating utensil)
Use the fork, Luke.

---

Today’s weird thing is the article “Astrologer Sues NASA Over Comet Mission”. (I cannot make stuff like this up!) What I want to know is how the astrologer is going to prove damages.

Enjoy.

Aaron

5 July 2005/28 Siwan 5765

Greetings.

Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen has suggested to me that in order to make money I should sell “hippoburgers”. Alas, I had to turn that idea down. Hippopotamuses are very high in fat, so it is morally questionable to promote the eating of hippo meat, and they are endangered, which means that hippoburgers would be illegal. Bobby also suggested an alternative notion of hippoburgers, namely that miniature hippos be put to work in the fast-food industry, but it is difficult to imagine how any hippopotamus, not having hands, would be able to prepare food.

Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and is included below. My intuition is that it probably could use some expanding. Members of other religions will probably find many of the attitudes portrayed very familiar.

Enjoy.

Aaron

---

How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic:
     Only one.
     Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal:
     Ten.
     One to change the bulb, and
     nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians:
     None.
     Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic:
     None.
     Candles only.

Baptists:
     At least 15.
     One to change the light bulb, and
     three committees to approve the change and
     decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians:
    Three.
    One to call the electrician
    one to mix the drinks and
    one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons:
   Five.
   One man to change the bulb, and
   four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians:
     We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
     against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your
     own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you,
     that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
     compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the
     next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number
     of light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent,
     three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
     equally valid paths to luminescence

Methodists:
     Undetermined.
     Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you
     are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb,
     or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned
     for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene:
     Six.
     One woman to replace the bulb
     while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans:
     None.
     Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish:
    What's a light bulb?

4 July 2005/27 Siwan 5765: National Country Music Day/Independence Day

Greetings.

Sanhedhrin update: I have two more articles, both from last Thursday. One, ירושלים: עצרת מחאה נגד מצעד התועבה, seems to mention the proto-Sanhedhrin sending a letter strengthening efforts to prevent the recent “gay pride” parade, though with the deficits I have in Modern Hebrew, I’m not entirely sure. The other, יו"ר הכנסת, סגניו וחברי וועדות יצאו אתמול לסיור בבית שערים, seems to be about the proto-Sanhedhrin touring a previous meeting-place (about 2,000 years ago) of the Sanhedhrin in Beth She‘arim.

Political update: Sharon’s politically precarious position is even worse that I thought. Not only does he have substantial opposition in Israel (including in his own party), but also 63% of Americans are opposed to Israel pulling out of Gaza.

On my trip to Canada, or A man, a plan, a canal—Canada!

My trip to Canada was rather disappointing, as I saw very little to distinguish the country from the US. What I did see that was different was either minor or obvious for the most part:

• The Canadian flag instead of the US flag.
  
• The metric system instead of Imperial units. Since the metric system is used by almost every on the planet outside of the US, this was obvious.
  
• Token respect to the British queen on money and on road signs.
  
• Token English-French bilingualism in official capacities.
  
• More use of iconic traffic signs.

With a bit of minor editing in Photoshop, Toronto would easily pass for any large US city. I do not see any real point in the US and Canada being separate countries, so I hereby propose that Canada take over the US. This would have several advantages:

• No more customs. The 50 US states and handful of territories manage to have local autonomy without wasting the time of people crossing from one to another. If Canada took over the US, we would have no point in even a pro forma customs and could thus save border-crossers zillions of hours and reduce annoyance, not to mention all the money our countries have to pay to have customs in the first place.
  
• The metric system. One planet, one measurement system, less confusion. Everyone benefits.
  
• Everyone over here promoting Spanish for political reasons gets to fight with everyone over there promoting French for political reasons.
  
• George W. Bush and company would be out of office. (Enough of a reason in itself.)
  
• More comedians would be available to us.
  
• The US flag has been imitated repeated. No one has copied the Canadian flag.
  
• No more annoying currency exchanges.
  
• Moose for everyone!

Alternative: Both the US and Canada seem to have a substantial number of crazy people. In the interest of making life more interesting, we should have a lunatic exchange program so that each country gets to experience the peculiar craziness of the other.

Alternative to the alternative: After mentioning my Canada-takes-over-the-US idea to my father, he claimed the Canadian government is even crazier than our own. Considering that many governments on this planet are collectively crazy, I propose that there be a crazy government contest in which everyone tries to prove their own government is crazier than the rest. The winning (?) government would probably get a wood screw and a baseball spray-painted gold.

Off the tangent! Other notable things about Canada:

1. Cream cheese on a bagel qualifies as a cheese sandwich.
   
2. A "Battling" Bush punching bag in a store window. (The store was not open, so I could not buy it.
   
3. About half-a-dozen statues of cows relaxing on the grass among some office buildings.
   
4. "Jacking deer"—Hunters deliberately turn their headlights on in front of deer at night so they freeze and are easy to shoot. (This practice is illegal, but people do it anyway.)
   
5. The Canadian equivalent of the confusing terms "Native Americans" and "American Indians" is the similarly confusing "First Nations".

Since today is Independence Day, I’ve decided today’s weird thing is The Movie Cliches List, which contains a section on the movie Independence Day. Enjoy.

Aaron

3 July 2005/26 Siwan 5765: Stay Out Of The Sun Day

Greetings.

Worthy cause: There’s another MoveOn PAC petition out. Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has resigned from the Supreme Court. Please sign and tell the people in Washington not to allow a far-right wacko to be her replacement. Thank you.

Today’s weird thing is something a tentacled creature with a death ray has asked me to post, which I have included below. (I have to get around to typing in what I wrote about Canada.) Enjoy.

Aaron

---

We, the member nations of the Martian Organization of States, wish to register our complete and total offense at the new movie War of the Worlds. This movie, which depicts an invasion of Earth by Martians, is nothing but unfounded slander, as was the outrageous piece of fluff fantasy of a book it was based on. We demand an immediate apology from the Earthling United Nations for the whole matter.

Most Earthlings are unaware of the long civilized history of Mars. Of all the planets in the Solar System, Mars was the first to develop civilization over twenty million of your Earth years ago, and at times we have been the most advanced planet with regards to mathematics, science, and technology, not to mention our fine command of poetry. Even though Earth has temporarily taken the lead of us in the academic and industrial pursuits, we are completely justified in feeling superior to you puny Earthlings, simply because we are and because the Divine made us this way, so we should not have to put up with your stupid, unjustified insults.

Even those actions which have been depicted as "invasions" are not really so. Being the most enlightened and favored beings in the universe, we of course were moved to spread our wisdom and philosophy throughout the Solar System. As is well known, the flying gasbag aliens of Jupiter and the uncivilized aborigines of Titan have been much happier and more moral people once we arrived and forced them to stop doing all horrible, sickening, and perverted offenses against the will of the Divine that they enjoyed in their wickedness. We have done thusly in many places, and if those sneaky Venusian infidels hadn't cheated and temporarily delayed our good works at the Battle of Ceres, you ignorant Earthlings would also be basking in the glory of the Divine as well right now.

Yes, we are aware that some Martians have allegedly been landing on Earth, blowing up things, killing people, and so forth. We realize you have plenty of pictures, documents, and videorecordings to back up these claims, but you need not worry yourselves with such faulty evidence. The few Martians you have captured allegedly doing these things are abberant individuals whose behavior is in no way reflective of the Martian people as a whole. In any case their intentions were pure in that they desired only to spread civilization and our noble philosophy, so this makes everything they did alright anyhow. Yes, it is a bit sad that some Earthlings died, but, face it, not being Martians, your lives are not worth much anyway. It is you Earthlings who should be ashamed of yourselves, and when you hear about mass protests on Mars where we burn the flag of the United Nations and chant "Death to Earthlings," you should take an Earth minute to pause and think about what a terrible excuse for a personlike being you are that you made us do this. Is it any wonder that if we were to visit your planet and slaughter a bunch of Earthlings, we would be completely justified? In any case, everyone knows that the last major attack on your planet, which we have been unfairly accused of doing by some evil Earthlings and a large mound of evidence, was really an operation of the Venusian Defense Force. Venusians, as you know, insidiously control the entire Solar System.

In conclusion, the War of the Worlds book and movie are completely unfair and insulting depictions of Martians, for which we deserve an immediate apology, which is more than you deserve. After all, we are completely reasonable people, even in the face of blasphemies from stupid, barbaric aliens such as yourselves. In fact, we want to make every attempt to show you what kind of wonderful friends we can be. So, the next time you see Martian transport cylinders falling out of the sky or a metal tripod armed with a deadly heat ray coming towards you, just stand very still and smile. After all, it is just us coming to share our enlightenment.

Prince Gzzruixxhis Fzzadhixxuf of Central Cydonia, Martian Ambassador to the United Nations

1 July 2005/24 Siwan 5765 (Build A Scarecrow Day/Canada Day)

Greetings.

I’m back from Toronto. I hope to post something on that soon. However, I have an important message from Jehosaphat and Dinah Olsen:

We would like to apologize for the actions of our son, Robert Orville Olsen. In punishment for his posting on your blog, he will be grounded for the rest of the summer and not allowed to leave home except to go to summer school, even though he claims there are pygmy hippopotamuses in the backyard that will harass him if he stays home. Really, we don't know where he gets such ideas. In addition, he will be tutored in English by Mr. Crabtree, who has agreed to do this in exchange for not being sued for aiding and abetting the corruption of a minor. We are sorry for any trouble he has caused.

On a related noted, the Legion for a Better Tomorrow through Promotion of the GOP’s Agenda has awarded the $5 bounty for the revelation of the secret identity of Bobby Awesome to his parents.

Authorized weird things should resume on Sunday (God willing).

Shabbath shalom.

Aaron

more stuff

hey im back shake ya booty suggested that i post the text to some war of the worlds book as weird thing because theres that movie out i dont know why any1 would read it watchin a movie s so much more cooler but here it s
http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/36/36.txt

n 4 erin they shut down minnesota good riddance!!!!!!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050701/ap_on_re_us/minnesota_shutdown