Greetings.
Political update: Karl Rove’s in trouble! Karl Rove’s in trouble! Also, there have been noteworthy articles lately in Backspin.
Today’s weird thing is a classic of weird poetry with a town crier in it: “The Hunting of the Snark: An Agony in Eight Fits”. This is a must-read for all students of weirdness. Enjoy.
Aaron
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Worthy cause of the day
Greetings.
MoveOn PAC is now collecting donations to fight a (frighteningly likely) radical conservative Bush appointment to the Supreme Court. If you have a few extra bucks you’re wondering what to do with, helping protect our legal rights would be worthwhile. Thank you for your help.
And I’m getting a vision that when I get to Israel (God willing) I end up pulling this sort of stuff with the government over there. Someone please stop me if I consider starting my own party, because with my sense of humor it’ll be the Groucho Marxist Party...
Aaron
MoveOn PAC is now collecting donations to fight a (frighteningly likely) radical conservative Bush appointment to the Supreme Court. If you have a few extra bucks you’re wondering what to do with, helping protect our legal rights would be worthwhile. Thank you for your help.
And I’m getting a vision that when I get to Israel (God willing) I end up pulling this sort of stuff with the government over there. Someone please stop me if I consider starting my own party, because with my sense of humor it’ll be the Groucho Marxist Party...
Aaron
Monday, July 11, 2005
11 July 2005/4 Tammuz 5765: National Slurpee Day
Greetings.
Update on Dennis (non-weird): The storm seems to have been just a nuisance, with no reports of casualties at this time. (Thank God.)
As I noted on Friday, Islamic terrorists really suck at being bad guys, coming off as more pathetic than powerful. In order to further mock them, I hereby declare today’s weird thing to be So You've Decided to be Evil: A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness. Not only does it provide step-by-step instructions, but it also helps you create your own evil plan. I had it generate one randomly, and this is what it produced:
Enjoy, but don't bother trying to take over the World. I’m doing that next Tuesday.
Aaron
Update on Dennis (non-weird): The storm seems to have been just a nuisance, with no reports of casualties at this time. (Thank God.)
As I noted on Friday, Islamic terrorists really suck at being bad guys, coming off as more pathetic than powerful. In order to further mock them, I hereby declare today’s weird thing to be So You've Decided to be Evil: A Step-by-Step Guide to joining the Forces of Darkness. Not only does it provide step-by-step instructions, but it also helps you create your own evil plan. I had it generate one randomly, and this is what it produced:
- Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan (tm)!
Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.
Your motive is a little bit more complex: So another race can take over
Stage One
To begin your plan, you must first traumatize a news reporter. This will cause the world to wipe the sleep from their eyes, amazed by your arrival. Who is this Threat to our Children? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in a Corporate Suit?
Stage Two
Next, you must poison the Grand Canyon. This will all be done from a fake mountain, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will spontaneously combust, as countless hordes of animal minions (rats, birds, etc.) hasten to do your every bidding.
Stage Three
Finally, you must prepare your time machine, bringing about an End to Sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with fear, and no man will ever again dare make you clean your room. Everyone will bow before your Unmatched Physical Prowess, and the world will have no choice but to restore your credit rating.
Enjoy, but don't bother trying to take over the World. I’m doing that next Tuesday.
Aaron
Hurricane Dennis
Greetings.
As you have probably heard already, Florida and nearby areas have been hit by Hurricane Dennis. Any hurricane is a tragedy, but my mother has pointed out to me a photograph showing that some people can show humor in the face of danger. Enjoy, and please pray for those affected by the storm. (Come to think of it, if they start collecting funds or items for hurricane victims, actual donations would be good, too.)
Aaron
As you have probably heard already, Florida and nearby areas have been hit by Hurricane Dennis. Any hurricane is a tragedy, but my mother has pointed out to me a photograph showing that some people can show humor in the face of danger. Enjoy, and please pray for those affected by the storm. (Come to think of it, if they start collecting funds or items for hurricane victims, actual donations would be good, too.)
Aaron
Sunday, July 10, 2005
10 July 2005/3 Tammuz 5765: Review of The Fantastic Four
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is a movie review sent to me by an old friend, included below (the review, not the friend). Enjoy.
Aaron
Good evening.
I recently heard about what sounded like one, one wonderful film: The Fantastic Four. I have always loved numbers, and I thought to myself, What could be more fantastic than the number four? Four is one of my favorite numbers! I must see this film! So my bats and I went to the nearest movie theater and bought tickets on the day it was released. This movie was definitely not what I thought it would be. I admit I was a bit disappointed at first, since I had expected that the hero of the story would be a fantastic number four; instead the story was about four superheroes. This, however, is good, since four is a number of superheroes which has not appeared in any movie I have seen before. The number of supervillains was a bit boring: one, only one. Batman Returns, Batman and Robin, and Daredevil had two supervillains each, and Batman Forever had three! But The Fantastic Four had just one. One is a wonderful number, but as a number of supervillains, it’s been done to death. This supervillain didn’t even have an unusual feature worth counting, such as Dr. Octopus’s four mechanical arms in Spiderman 2 or Two-Face’s two faces in Batman Forever. Still, I found plenty of things to count, starting with Dr. Doom wanting a second opinion and thus making up for his unremarkable appearance. Since the central characters are superheroes and a supervillain, one can count their superpowers and how many times they use them. There are plenty of action sequences, where one can count how many bullets are fired, how many things explode, how many vehicles are totaled, and how many people have to run for their lives. The Thing alone was a numerical delight since he had zero ears and 189 scale-like formations on his skin. And those who feel romantically inclined will have the pleasure of counting the sparks that fly between Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, and the number of times the Human Torch hits on women. All these opportunities for counting more than make up for my initial disappointment and the clichéd number of supervillains. And if one is feeling too mentally tired to count (if that is even possible), there are plenty of entertaining numbers on computer screens. I haven’t had this much fun since I saw 2001!
My rating: Four, four fantastic stars out of four! Ah, ah, ah, ah! (Who would expect anything less from my favorite studio, 20th Century Fox?)
Count von Count
123 Sesame Street, Apartment 456
New York, NY 10033
Today’s weird thing is a movie review sent to me by an old friend, included below (the review, not the friend). Enjoy.
Aaron
Good evening.
I recently heard about what sounded like one, one wonderful film: The Fantastic Four. I have always loved numbers, and I thought to myself, What could be more fantastic than the number four? Four is one of my favorite numbers! I must see this film! So my bats and I went to the nearest movie theater and bought tickets on the day it was released. This movie was definitely not what I thought it would be. I admit I was a bit disappointed at first, since I had expected that the hero of the story would be a fantastic number four; instead the story was about four superheroes. This, however, is good, since four is a number of superheroes which has not appeared in any movie I have seen before. The number of supervillains was a bit boring: one, only one. Batman Returns, Batman and Robin, and Daredevil had two supervillains each, and Batman Forever had three! But The Fantastic Four had just one. One is a wonderful number, but as a number of supervillains, it’s been done to death. This supervillain didn’t even have an unusual feature worth counting, such as Dr. Octopus’s four mechanical arms in Spiderman 2 or Two-Face’s two faces in Batman Forever. Still, I found plenty of things to count, starting with Dr. Doom wanting a second opinion and thus making up for his unremarkable appearance. Since the central characters are superheroes and a supervillain, one can count their superpowers and how many times they use them. There are plenty of action sequences, where one can count how many bullets are fired, how many things explode, how many vehicles are totaled, and how many people have to run for their lives. The Thing alone was a numerical delight since he had zero ears and 189 scale-like formations on his skin. And those who feel romantically inclined will have the pleasure of counting the sparks that fly between Mr. Fantastic and the Invisible Woman, and the number of times the Human Torch hits on women. All these opportunities for counting more than make up for my initial disappointment and the clichéd number of supervillains. And if one is feeling too mentally tired to count (if that is even possible), there are plenty of entertaining numbers on computer screens. I haven’t had this much fun since I saw 2001!
My rating: Four, four fantastic stars out of four! Ah, ah, ah, ah! (Who would expect anything less from my favorite studio, 20th Century Fox?)
Count von Count
123 Sesame Street, Apartment 456
New York, NY 10033
Friday, July 8, 2005
8 July 2005/1 Tammuz 5765: Ro'sh Hodhesh Tammuz, Video Games Day
Greetings.
Political taunting: In dishonor of the terrorists who attacked London yesterday, I would like to note that the prospects of Islamic terrorists to take over the Earth are dismal. Attacking the blatantly weakest places possible only demonstrates that one is pathetic. As such, I wish to taunt the London terrorists by inviting them to look at Evil Overlord, Inc., which gives meaningful instructions of how to be an evil overlord and get away with it through use of wisdom. Of course, if terrorists had any wisdom, they wouldn’t bother with violence and would find more sensible ways of dealing with their problems.
Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and included below. Enjoy.
EXAM FUN
Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studied for, and you are going to fail the class anyway!
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Bring cheerleaders.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Bring pets.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Political taunting: In dishonor of the terrorists who attacked London yesterday, I would like to note that the prospects of Islamic terrorists to take over the Earth are dismal. Attacking the blatantly weakest places possible only demonstrates that one is pathetic. As such, I wish to taunt the London terrorists by inviting them to look at Evil Overlord, Inc., which gives meaningful instructions of how to be an evil overlord and get away with it through use of wisdom. Of course, if terrorists had any wisdom, they wouldn’t bother with violence and would find more sensible ways of dealing with their problems.
Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and included below. Enjoy.
EXAM FUN
Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studied for, and you are going to fail the class anyway!
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Bring cheerleaders.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Bring pets.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Thursday, July 7, 2005
The blasts in London
Greetings.
An anonymous reader complained that I didn’t report anything about the terrorist attack in London today. I finally have something weird on it, and that would be an article on those claiming responsibility for the blasts, “Report: Islamic Group Claims London Blasts”. The quotes of the statement by “The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe” betray clichéd, stupid, and morally primitive thinking. The best example of this is the phrase “Zionist crusader government of Britain”, which is wildly inaccurate since 1) the UK has consistently acted against the interests of the State of Israel and the Jewish people even back in the days of the British Mandate, and thus it cannot be labeled “Zionist”, and 2) there have been no Crusaders for centuries, so it cannot be labeled “crusader” either; such a phrase is most likely an attempt to identify Britain as “the enemy” and thus rationalize an attack which is unlikely to succeed in its stated goal of persuading governments to pull their troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan. (If they really wanted that, they would have handed over Usama bin Laden right after 9/11 and have been stringent that there be no terrorism after the US conquered Iraq, thereby eliminating any reason for there to be further military action in either country and giving the US and the UK every reason to send their troops home.)
Aaron
An anonymous reader complained that I didn’t report anything about the terrorist attack in London today. I finally have something weird on it, and that would be an article on those claiming responsibility for the blasts, “Report: Islamic Group Claims London Blasts”. The quotes of the statement by “The Secret Organization of al-Qaida in Europe” betray clichéd, stupid, and morally primitive thinking. The best example of this is the phrase “Zionist crusader government of Britain”, which is wildly inaccurate since 1) the UK has consistently acted against the interests of the State of Israel and the Jewish people even back in the days of the British Mandate, and thus it cannot be labeled “Zionist”, and 2) there have been no Crusaders for centuries, so it cannot be labeled “crusader” either; such a phrase is most likely an attempt to identify Britain as “the enemy” and thus rationalize an attack which is unlikely to succeed in its stated goal of persuading governments to pull their troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan. (If they really wanted that, they would have handed over Usama bin Laden right after 9/11 and have been stringent that there be no terrorism after the US conquered Iraq, thereby eliminating any reason for there to be further military action in either country and giving the US and the UK every reason to send their troops home.)
Aaron
7 July 2005/30 Siwan 5765: Ro'sh Hodhesh Tammuz
Greetings, and happy new month!
Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Help Wanted
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
Wednesday, July 6, 2005
New Aaron info page
Greetings.
Just added my CV to the blog, with certain obvious bits of info (telephone number, snail- and E-mail addresses) omitted to avoid junk mail, spam, and telemarketers. People who actually have real use in knowing such things can E-mail me.
Aaron
Just added my CV to the blog, with certain obvious bits of info (telephone number, snail- and E-mail addresses) omitted to avoid junk mail, spam, and telemarketers. People who actually have real use in knowing such things can E-mail me.
Aaron
6 July 2005/29 Siwan 5765: National Fried Chicken Day
Greetings.
Junior Crabtree, in an attempt at atoning for helping Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen post to my blog, sent me what he alleges is a lost scene from Star Wars: Episode IV—A New Hope. I’m not sure I believe it.
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON, DINING AREA.
Luke and Obi-Wan are having dinner. Luke is eating with his hands. Obi-Wan looks displeased.
OBI-WAN
To become a Jedi, you must perfect yourself in all areas of life, including table manners.
LUKE
(shrugs)
Everyone on Tattooine eats like this.
OBI-WAN
But a Jedi has to be a gentleman and do the right thing, even if no one else is doing it.
(holds out an eating utensil)
Use the fork, Luke.
Today’s weird thing is the article “Astrologer Sues NASA Over Comet Mission”. (I cannot make stuff like this up!) What I want to know is how the astrologer is going to prove damages.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Junior Crabtree, in an attempt at atoning for helping Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen post to my blog, sent me what he alleges is a lost scene from Star Wars: Episode IV—A New Hope. I’m not sure I believe it.
INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON, DINING AREA.
Luke and Obi-Wan are having dinner. Luke is eating with his hands. Obi-Wan looks displeased.
To become a Jedi, you must perfect yourself in all areas of life, including table manners.
LUKE
(shrugs)
Everyone on Tattooine eats like this.
OBI-WAN
But a Jedi has to be a gentleman and do the right thing, even if no one else is doing it.
(holds out an eating utensil)
Use the fork, Luke.
Today’s weird thing is the article “Astrologer Sues NASA Over Comet Mission”. (I cannot make stuff like this up!) What I want to know is how the astrologer is going to prove damages.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Tuesday, July 5, 2005
5 July 2005/28 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen has suggested to me that in order to make money I should sell “hippoburgers”. Alas, I had to turn that idea down. Hippopotamuses are very high in fat, so it is morally questionable to promote the eating of hippo meat, and they are endangered, which means that hippoburgers would be illegal. Bobby also suggested an alternative notion of hippoburgers, namely that miniature hippos be put to work in the fast-food industry, but it is difficult to imagine how any hippopotamus, not having hands, would be able to prepare food.
Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and is included below. My intuition is that it probably could use some expanding. Members of other religions will probably find many of the attitudes portrayed very familiar.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Robert “Bobby Awesome” Olsen has suggested to me that in order to make money I should sell “hippoburgers”. Alas, I had to turn that idea down. Hippopotamuses are very high in fat, so it is morally questionable to promote the eating of hippo meat, and they are endangered, which means that hippoburgers would be illegal. Bobby also suggested an alternative notion of hippoburgers, namely that miniature hippos be put to work in the fast-food industry, but it is difficult to imagine how any hippopotamus, not having hands, would be able to prepare food.
Today’s weird thing is from Emily’s collection and is included below. My intuition is that it probably could use some expanding. Members of other religions will probably find many of the attitudes portrayed very familiar.
Enjoy.
Aaron
How many church members does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic:
Only one.
Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal:
Ten.
One to change the bulb, and
nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians:
None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic:
None.
Candles only.
Baptists:
At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and
three committees to approve the change and
decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians:
Three.
One to call the electrician
one to mix the drinks and
one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons:
Five.
One man to change the bulb, and
four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your
own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you,
that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the
next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number
of light bulb traditions, including candescent, fluorescent,
three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are
equally valid paths to luminescence
Methodists:
Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you
are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb,
or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned
for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene:
Six.
One woman to replace the bulb
while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans:
None.
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish:
What's a light bulb?
Monday, July 4, 2005
4 July 2005/27 Siwan 5765: National Country Music Day/Independence Day
Greetings.
Sanhedhrin update: I have two more articles, both from last Thursday. One, ירושלים: עצרת מחאה נגד מצעד התועבה, seems to mention the proto-Sanhedhrin sending a letter strengthening efforts to prevent the recent “gay pride” parade, though with the deficits I have in Modern Hebrew, I’m not entirely sure. The other, יו"ר הכנסת, סגניו וחברי וועדות יצאו אתמול לסיור בבית שערים, seems to be about the proto-Sanhedhrin touring a previous meeting-place (about 2,000 years ago) of the Sanhedhrin in Beth She‘arim.
Political update: Sharon’s politically precarious position is even worse that I thought. Not only does he have substantial opposition in Israel (including in his own party), but also 63% of Americans are opposed to Israel pulling out of Gaza.
On my trip to Canada, or A man, a plan, a canal—Canada!
My trip to Canada was rather disappointing, as I saw very little to distinguish the country from the US. What I did see that was different was either minor or obvious for the most part:
Alternative to the alternative: After mentioning my Canada-takes-over-the-US idea to my father, he claimed the Canadian government is even crazier than our own. Considering that many governments on this planet are collectively crazy, I propose that there be a crazy government contest in which everyone tries to prove their own government is crazier than the rest. The winning (?) government would probably get a wood screw and a baseball spray-painted gold.
Off the tangent! Other notable things about Canada:
Aaron
Sanhedhrin update: I have two more articles, both from last Thursday. One, ירושלים: עצרת מחאה נגד מצעד התועבה, seems to mention the proto-Sanhedhrin sending a letter strengthening efforts to prevent the recent “gay pride” parade, though with the deficits I have in Modern Hebrew, I’m not entirely sure. The other, יו"ר הכנסת, סגניו וחברי וועדות יצאו אתמול לסיור בבית שערים, seems to be about the proto-Sanhedhrin touring a previous meeting-place (about 2,000 years ago) of the Sanhedhrin in Beth She‘arim.
Political update: Sharon’s politically precarious position is even worse that I thought. Not only does he have substantial opposition in Israel (including in his own party), but also 63% of Americans are opposed to Israel pulling out of Gaza.
On my trip to Canada, or A man, a plan, a canal—Canada!
My trip to Canada was rather disappointing, as I saw very little to distinguish the country from the US. What I did see that was different was either minor or obvious for the most part:
- The Canadian flag instead of the US flag.
- The metric system instead of Imperial units. Since the metric system is used by almost every on the planet outside of the US, this was obvious.
- Token respect to the British queen on money and on road signs.
- Token English-French bilingualism in official capacities.
- More use of iconic traffic signs.
- No more customs. The 50 US states and handful of territories manage to have local autonomy without wasting the time of people crossing from one to another. If Canada took over the US, we would have no point in even a pro forma customs and could thus save border-crossers zillions of hours and reduce annoyance, not to mention all the money our countries have to pay to have customs in the first place.
- The metric system. One planet, one measurement system, less confusion. Everyone benefits.
- Everyone over here promoting Spanish for political reasons gets to fight with everyone over there promoting French for political reasons.
- George W. Bush and company would be out of office. (Enough of a reason in itself.)
- More comedians would be available to us.
- The US flag has been imitated repeated. No one has copied the Canadian flag.
- No more annoying currency exchanges.
- Moose for everyone!
Alternative to the alternative: After mentioning my Canada-takes-over-the-US idea to my father, he claimed the Canadian government is even crazier than our own. Considering that many governments on this planet are collectively crazy, I propose that there be a crazy government contest in which everyone tries to prove their own government is crazier than the rest. The winning (?) government would probably get a wood screw and a baseball spray-painted gold.
Off the tangent! Other notable things about Canada:
- Cream cheese on a bagel qualifies as a cheese sandwich.
- A "Battling" Bush punching bag in a store window. (The store was not open, so I could not buy it.
- About half-a-dozen statues of cows relaxing on the grass among some office buildings.
- "Jacking deer"—Hunters deliberately turn their headlights on in front of deer at night so they freeze and are easy to shoot. (This practice is illegal, but people do it anyway.)
- The Canadian equivalent of the confusing terms "Native Americans" and "American Indians" is the similarly confusing "First Nations".
Aaron
Sunday, July 3, 2005
3 July 2005/26 Siwan 5765: Stay Out Of The Sun Day
Greetings.
Worthy cause: There’s another MoveOn PAC petition out. Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has resigned from the Supreme Court. Please sign and tell the people in Washington not to allow a far-right wacko to be her replacement. Thank you.
Today’s weird thing is something a tentacled creature with a death ray has asked me to post, which I have included below. (I have to get around to typing in what I wrote about Canada.) Enjoy.
Aaron
We, the member nations of the Martian Organization of States, wish to register our complete and total offense at the new movie War of the Worlds. This movie, which depicts an invasion of Earth by Martians, is nothing but unfounded slander, as was the outrageous piece of fluff fantasy of a book it was based on. We demand an immediate apology from the Earthling United Nations for the whole matter.
Most Earthlings are unaware of the long civilized history of Mars. Of all the planets in the Solar System, Mars was the first to develop civilization over twenty million of your Earth years ago, and at times we have been the most advanced planet with regards to mathematics, science, and technology, not to mention our fine command of poetry. Even though Earth has temporarily taken the lead of us in the academic and industrial pursuits, we are completely justified in feeling superior to you puny Earthlings, simply because we are and because the Divine made us this way, so we should not have to put up with your stupid, unjustified insults.
Even those actions which have been depicted as "invasions" are not really so. Being the most enlightened and favored beings in the universe, we of course were moved to spread our wisdom and philosophy throughout the Solar System. As is well known, the flying gasbag aliens of Jupiter and the uncivilized aborigines of Titan have been much happier and more moral people once we arrived and forced them to stop doing all horrible, sickening, and perverted offenses against the will of the Divine that they enjoyed in their wickedness. We have done thusly in many places, and if those sneaky Venusian infidels hadn't cheated and temporarily delayed our good works at the Battle of Ceres, you ignorant Earthlings would also be basking in the glory of the Divine as well right now.
Yes, we are aware that some Martians have allegedly been landing on Earth, blowing up things, killing people, and so forth. We realize you have plenty of pictures, documents, and videorecordings to back up these claims, but you need not worry yourselves with such faulty evidence. The few Martians you have captured allegedly doing these things are abberant individuals whose behavior is in no way reflective of the Martian people as a whole. In any case their intentions were pure in that they desired only to spread civilization and our noble philosophy, so this makes everything they did alright anyhow. Yes, it is a bit sad that some Earthlings died, but, face it, not being Martians, your lives are not worth much anyway. It is you Earthlings who should be ashamed of yourselves, and when you hear about mass protests on Mars where we burn the flag of the United Nations and chant "Death to Earthlings," you should take an Earth minute to pause and think about what a terrible excuse for a personlike being you are that you made us do this. Is it any wonder that if we were to visit your planet and slaughter a bunch of Earthlings, we would be completely justified? In any case, everyone knows that the last major attack on your planet, which we have been unfairly accused of doing by some evil Earthlings and a large mound of evidence, was really an operation of the Venusian Defense Force. Venusians, as you know, insidiously control the entire Solar System.
In conclusion, the War of the Worlds book and movie are completely unfair and insulting depictions of Martians, for which we deserve an immediate apology, which is more than you deserve. After all, we are completely reasonable people, even in the face of blasphemies from stupid, barbaric aliens such as yourselves. In fact, we want to make every attempt to show you what kind of wonderful friends we can be. So, the next time you see Martian transport cylinders falling out of the sky or a metal tripod armed with a deadly heat ray coming towards you, just stand very still and smile. After all, it is just us coming to share our enlightenment.
Prince Gzzruixxhis Fzzadhixxuf of Central Cydonia, Martian Ambassador to the United Nations
Worthy cause: There’s another MoveOn PAC petition out. Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has resigned from the Supreme Court. Please sign and tell the people in Washington not to allow a far-right wacko to be her replacement. Thank you.
Today’s weird thing is something a tentacled creature with a death ray has asked me to post, which I have included below. (I have to get around to typing in what I wrote about Canada.) Enjoy.
Aaron
We, the member nations of the Martian Organization of States, wish to register our complete and total offense at the new movie War of the Worlds. This movie, which depicts an invasion of Earth by Martians, is nothing but unfounded slander, as was the outrageous piece of fluff fantasy of a book it was based on. We demand an immediate apology from the Earthling United Nations for the whole matter.
Most Earthlings are unaware of the long civilized history of Mars. Of all the planets in the Solar System, Mars was the first to develop civilization over twenty million of your Earth years ago, and at times we have been the most advanced planet with regards to mathematics, science, and technology, not to mention our fine command of poetry. Even though Earth has temporarily taken the lead of us in the academic and industrial pursuits, we are completely justified in feeling superior to you puny Earthlings, simply because we are and because the Divine made us this way, so we should not have to put up with your stupid, unjustified insults.
Even those actions which have been depicted as "invasions" are not really so. Being the most enlightened and favored beings in the universe, we of course were moved to spread our wisdom and philosophy throughout the Solar System. As is well known, the flying gasbag aliens of Jupiter and the uncivilized aborigines of Titan have been much happier and more moral people once we arrived and forced them to stop doing all horrible, sickening, and perverted offenses against the will of the Divine that they enjoyed in their wickedness. We have done thusly in many places, and if those sneaky Venusian infidels hadn't cheated and temporarily delayed our good works at the Battle of Ceres, you ignorant Earthlings would also be basking in the glory of the Divine as well right now.
Yes, we are aware that some Martians have allegedly been landing on Earth, blowing up things, killing people, and so forth. We realize you have plenty of pictures, documents, and videorecordings to back up these claims, but you need not worry yourselves with such faulty evidence. The few Martians you have captured allegedly doing these things are abberant individuals whose behavior is in no way reflective of the Martian people as a whole. In any case their intentions were pure in that they desired only to spread civilization and our noble philosophy, so this makes everything they did alright anyhow. Yes, it is a bit sad that some Earthlings died, but, face it, not being Martians, your lives are not worth much anyway. It is you Earthlings who should be ashamed of yourselves, and when you hear about mass protests on Mars where we burn the flag of the United Nations and chant "Death to Earthlings," you should take an Earth minute to pause and think about what a terrible excuse for a personlike being you are that you made us do this. Is it any wonder that if we were to visit your planet and slaughter a bunch of Earthlings, we would be completely justified? In any case, everyone knows that the last major attack on your planet, which we have been unfairly accused of doing by some evil Earthlings and a large mound of evidence, was really an operation of the Venusian Defense Force. Venusians, as you know, insidiously control the entire Solar System.
In conclusion, the War of the Worlds book and movie are completely unfair and insulting depictions of Martians, for which we deserve an immediate apology, which is more than you deserve. After all, we are completely reasonable people, even in the face of blasphemies from stupid, barbaric aliens such as yourselves. In fact, we want to make every attempt to show you what kind of wonderful friends we can be. So, the next time you see Martian transport cylinders falling out of the sky or a metal tripod armed with a deadly heat ray coming towards you, just stand very still and smile. After all, it is just us coming to share our enlightenment.
Prince Gzzruixxhis Fzzadhixxuf of Central Cydonia, Martian Ambassador to the United Nations
Friday, July 1, 2005
1 July 2005/24 Siwan 5765 (Build A Scarecrow Day/Canada Day)
Greetings.
I’m back from Toronto. I hope to post something on that soon. However, I have an important message from Jehosaphat and Dinah Olsen:
Authorized weird things should resume on Sunday (God willing).
Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
I’m back from Toronto. I hope to post something on that soon. However, I have an important message from Jehosaphat and Dinah Olsen:
- We would like to apologize for the actions of our son, Robert Orville Olsen. In punishment for his posting on your blog, he will be grounded for the rest of the summer and not allowed to leave home except to go to summer school, even though he claims there are pygmy hippopotamuses in the backyard that will harass him if he stays home. Really, we don't know where he gets such ideas. In addition, he will be tutored in English by Mr. Crabtree, who has agreed to do this in exchange for not being sued for aiding and abetting the corruption of a minor. We are sorry for any trouble he has caused.
Authorized weird things should resume on Sunday (God willing).
Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
more stuff
hey im back shake ya booty suggested that i post the text to some war of the worlds book as weird thing because theres that movie out i dont know why any1 would read it watchin a movie s so much more cooler but here it s
http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/36/36.txt
n 4 erin they shut down minnesota good riddance!!!!!!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050701/ap_on_re_us/minnesota_shutdown
http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/36/36.txt
n 4 erin they shut down minnesota good riddance!!!!!!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050701/ap_on_re_us/minnesota_shutdown
Thursday, June 30, 2005
stuff
more worthless junk of the type erin luvs
people waste time trying 2speak somethin other than english
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20050630/wl_csm/oirish_1
fisherman actually catch giant fish
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050630/ap_on_fe_st/thailand_big_fish
how well thailand s doin s attributed 2 chicks
http://quote.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000039&refer=columnist_pesek&sid=aL7IcVmTk9JU
people waste time trying 2speak somethin other than english
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20050630/wl_csm/oirish_1
fisherman actually catch giant fish
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050630/ap_on_fe_st/thailand_big_fish
how well thailand s doin s attributed 2 chicks
http://quote.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=10000039&refer=columnist_pesek&sid=aL7IcVmTk9JU
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
some day i think
hiya guys
2 many things n the news erin likes that loser stuff
dick nixon was honest
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050628/ap_on_go_pr_wh/nixon_india
loser wusses cant see the obvious
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050629/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_17;_ylt=AjmhUMkmgqvZznbP6clGYwlqP0AC;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl
a much better place 2 get the news batboy rules!!!!!!
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/
2days weird thing s the most unkosher recipe i could find dont make it though u might get n trouble unless ur n the andes do drugs not human flesh
http://www.thisispashmina.com/cannibal.html
2 many things n the news erin likes that loser stuff
dick nixon was honest
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050628/ap_on_go_pr_wh/nixon_india
loser wusses cant see the obvious
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20050629/ap_on_go_pr_wh/bush_17;_ylt=AjmhUMkmgqvZznbP6clGYwlqP0AC;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl
a much better place 2 get the news batboy rules!!!!!!
http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/
2days weird thing s the most unkosher recipe i could find dont make it though u might get n trouble unless ur n the andes do drugs not human flesh
http://www.thisispashmina.com/cannibal.html
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
whatever day this s
hey erin s such a loser he really needs to get some so 2days weird things r sites erin should visit ok their not 2 wierd but he should look at them coz he needs 2 desperately
http://www.onlinedatinguide.com/jewish-dating.html?1
http://cs.wheatoncollege.edu/pathways/humor/GuideToGeekGirls.html
http://www.linuxhelp.ca/guides/geekguide/
http://www.datingfun.com/minglemania/pickuplines/
http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palace/6314/
http://www.onlinedatinguide.com/jewish-dating.html?1
http://cs.wheatoncollege.edu/pathways/humor/GuideToGeekGirls.html
http://www.linuxhelp.ca/guides/geekguide/
http://www.datingfun.com/minglemania/pickuplines/
http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Palace/6314/
Monday, June 27, 2005
whatever day now kinda
hey u guys its me bobby awesome erin s gone 4 a few days so im n charge so here goes ok most of whats on this blog just SUXXXX dont it coz all he puts up are stupid things which r nt at all weird so i will do better UR A LOSER ERIN U SUCK!!!!!!!!
today check out this site http://www.bonsaikitten.com/ yeah stick cats n bottles because their useless!!!!!!!
today check out this site http://www.bonsaikitten.com/ yeah stick cats n bottles because their useless!!!!!!!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Weird thing of the day 26 June 2005/19 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Tomorrow through Thursday I’ll be in Toronto for an epidemiology conference. There will not be any weird things of the day during that period.
Today’s weird thing is a story from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Dov Kalmanson is an actor - or, at least, he would be if he could get his act together and find a job. He is down and out, and ready to settle for anything, any opportunity. Finally he gets a lead.
He discovers a job described in the classified ads as follows: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that, " says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be none other than the recruitment director for the local zoo. The director confesses that owing to past mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace Betsy, their previous ape, who is now in ape-Heaven. He then offers Dov the job of playing a real, live ape.
Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. At first, Dov is at odds with his new job. His conscience keeps nagging at him, telling him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And as you might expect, Dov feels rather undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds of observers who watch his every move from the other side of the cage. But after a couple of days on the job, he actually begins to be amused by all the attention. He even starts to put on a bit of a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the looming vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Indeed, he begins to become quite a popular attraction at the zoo, drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when showing off to a group of kids on a school trip, Dov starts swinging about on the vines with the greatest agility, when all of a sudden his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den! Recovering from the fall, Dov lifts up his head to see the lion approaching! Terrified, Dov backs up as far as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and screams at the top of his lungs, "Shema Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!" (Hear Oh Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuso l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of his glorious kingship forever and ever!)
"Hush, you fools!" a panda bear mutters from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired!"
Tomorrow through Thursday I’ll be in Toronto for an epidemiology conference. There will not be any weird things of the day during that period.
Today’s weird thing is a story from Emily’s collection, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Dov Kalmanson is an actor - or, at least, he would be if he could get his act together and find a job. He is down and out, and ready to settle for anything, any opportunity. Finally he gets a lead.
He discovers a job described in the classified ads as follows: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that, " says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be none other than the recruitment director for the local zoo. The director confesses that owing to past mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace Betsy, their previous ape, who is now in ape-Heaven. He then offers Dov the job of playing a real, live ape.
Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. At first, Dov is at odds with his new job. His conscience keeps nagging at him, telling him that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And as you might expect, Dov feels rather undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds of observers who watch his every move from the other side of the cage. But after a couple of days on the job, he actually begins to be amused by all the attention. He even starts to put on a bit of a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the looming vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might while beating his chest. Indeed, he begins to become quite a popular attraction at the zoo, drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when showing off to a group of kids on a school trip, Dov starts swinging about on the vines with the greatest agility, when all of a sudden his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den! Recovering from the fall, Dov lifts up his head to see the lion approaching! Terrified, Dov backs up as far as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and screams at the top of his lungs, "Shema Yisroel Ad-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!" (Hear Oh Israel, the L-rd is our G-d, the L-rd is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuso l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of his glorious kingship forever and ever!)
"Hush, you fools!" a panda bear mutters from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired!"
Friday, June 24, 2005
Picture experiment and stuff
Greetings.
I just found out that Blogger is now allowing for uploading images to blogs, so I thought I’d give it a try. This smiley face was created for me by my brother Barry and is my official icon.
I still hate the Finder. I’m getting the rainbow pizza far too often. I can’t believe this is a commercial release.
Political update (because I’m in a bad mood): Bush administration political advisor Karl Rove insulted and brazenly lied the Democrats. The Democrats demanded an apology. The White House engaged in making pathetic excuses for Rove’s behavior. All those who think the Democrats will be more cooperative in Congress, stand on your heads.
The Federal Government is cracking down on people who make medical use of marijuana. They don’t care that many states have legalized medical use of marijuana, and they have no interest in whether or not they is any experimental evidence to support its use. If they want to pick on people who are actually dangerous, let them arrest the entire tobacco industry.
The Pentagon is turning into Big Brother for students.
The Supreme Court has ruled that the city may seize your home or business and give it to anyone who will generate more tax revenue. This is a disgusting abuse of the concept of eminent domain, and I hope everyone who promotes such an abuse and the judges who ruled for it all have their homes and businesses bulldozed because of it.
Meanwhile in Zimbabwe, the government is demolishing the homes of poor squatters who support the opposition.
Be scared.
Aaron
Weird thing of the day 24 June 2005/17 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing comes from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Ode to a Spell Checker
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
--Author Unknown
Today’s weird thing comes from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Ode to a Spell Checker
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
--Author Unknown
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Weird thing of the day 23 June 2005/16 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Didn’t sleep well last night and got up late. Good thing I wrote this post up last night.
Political stuff: As usual, see Backspin for information on misconceptions and flaming pants. Also see “Japan court throws out tobacco suit, sees no definite link with cancer” for further flaming pants.
Side-note: There ought to be an award for lying, which ought to be called either the Richard Milhouse Nixon Prize or the Flaming Pants Award.
Just flat-out weird news: “Lions Rescue, Guard Beaten Ethiopian Girl”. (I cannot make this up. I keep asking myself if this is made up, I have no idea why lions would do this.)
Today’s weird thing is a story from Emily’s archive titled “Constable Outruns a Car”, which is included below. I checked and discovered that this story is an urban legend, but, still, it’s a good read. Enjoy.
Aaron
================
Toronto Globe & Mail March 30, 2004:
In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.
One morning in March 2004 about 3AM RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it was still stuck in the snow.
Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to 'pull over'. The man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special training, and just how could the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
Didn’t sleep well last night and got up late. Good thing I wrote this post up last night.
Political stuff: As usual, see Backspin for information on misconceptions and flaming pants. Also see “Japan court throws out tobacco suit, sees no definite link with cancer” for further flaming pants.
Side-note: There ought to be an award for lying, which ought to be called either the Richard Milhouse Nixon Prize or the Flaming Pants Award.
Just flat-out weird news: “Lions Rescue, Guard Beaten Ethiopian Girl”. (I cannot make this up. I keep asking myself if this is made up, I have no idea why lions would do this.)
Today’s weird thing is a story from Emily’s archive titled “Constable Outruns a Car”, which is included below. I checked and discovered that this story is an urban legend, but, still, it’s a good read. Enjoy.
Aaron
================
Toronto Globe & Mail March 30, 2004:
In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.
One morning in March 2004 about 3AM RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it was still stuck in the snow.
Constable Wisen, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to 'pull over'. The man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special training, and just how could the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Weird thing of the day 22 June 2005/15 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Political update: I present for your reading pleasure (or disgust) the Downing Street memo, which plainly shows that George W. Bush and Tony Blair were planning to go to war with Iraq, knowing full well that that country had neither weapons of mass destruction nor connections with Al-Qa‘ida.
Language weirdness: I discovered yesterday that the Hebrew word for “mascot” is קָמֵעַ (qamea‘), which literally means “amulet” or “talisman”. Go figure.
Today’s weird thing is a Forbes article on how much it would cost to actually be Batman. (It’s amazing what an economist with too much time on his/her hands will write.)
Criticism: This article lumps treats all expenses as if they only had to be paid once, even though this is clearly incorrect (e.g., Alfred Pennyworth has to be paid every year of his employment), so the actual cost of being Batman would be higher.
Related eeriness: Another silly article on the same site, “The Forbes Fictional Fifteen” reports that supervillain/businessman Lex Luthor was elected president of the United States in 2000. This strikes me as fairly close to reality, in which greedy rich businessmen (Karl Rove, Richard Cheney), did take control of the presidency. If anyone has any information on parallels between the Bush administration and the Luthor administration, please let me know.
Enjoy or be scared or something.
Aaron
Political update: I present for your reading pleasure (or disgust) the Downing Street memo, which plainly shows that George W. Bush and Tony Blair were planning to go to war with Iraq, knowing full well that that country had neither weapons of mass destruction nor connections with Al-Qa‘ida.
Language weirdness: I discovered yesterday that the Hebrew word for “mascot” is קָמֵעַ (qamea‘), which literally means “amulet” or “talisman”. Go figure.
Today’s weird thing is a Forbes article on how much it would cost to actually be Batman. (It’s amazing what an economist with too much time on his/her hands will write.)
Criticism: This article lumps treats all expenses as if they only had to be paid once, even though this is clearly incorrect (e.g., Alfred Pennyworth has to be paid every year of his employment), so the actual cost of being Batman would be higher.
Related eeriness: Another silly article on the same site, “The Forbes Fictional Fifteen” reports that supervillain/businessman Lex Luthor was elected president of the United States in 2000. This strikes me as fairly close to reality, in which greedy rich businessmen (Karl Rove, Richard Cheney), did take control of the presidency. If anyone has any information on parallels between the Bush administration and the Luthor administration, please let me know.
Enjoy or be scared or something.
Aaron
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Weird thing of the day 21 June 2005/14 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Political update: The Transportation Security Administration illegally collected data on passengers, despite having promised not to do so. Meanwhile, Greenpeace has announced giving its first Golden Chainsaw award.
Today’s weird thing comes from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Flight Instruction
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters:
-- There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:
-- Let's go, take off.
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him:
-- See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can.
Incredulous, the pilot says:
-- You want me to fly over that fire?
-- Sure. I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here, to take dramatic shots of the fire!
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says:
-- You're not the flight instructor?
Political update: The Transportation Security Administration illegally collected data on passengers, despite having promised not to do so. Meanwhile, Greenpeace has announced giving its first Golden Chainsaw award.
Today’s weird thing comes from Emily’s collection and is included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Flight Instruction
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters:
-- There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:
-- Let's go, take off.
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him:
-- See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can.
Incredulous, the pilot says:
-- You want me to fly over that fire?
-- Sure. I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here, to take dramatic shots of the fire!
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says:
-- You're not the flight instructor?
Monday, June 20, 2005
Worthy cause of the day
Greetings.
The GOP is hard at work in Washington, trying to slash funding for public broadcasting. Please sign the latest MoveOn.org petition and tell your senators and representative not to kill PBS. Thank you.
Aaron
The GOP is hard at work in Washington, trying to slash funding for public broadcasting. Please sign the latest MoveOn.org petition and tell your senators and representative not to kill PBS. Thank you.
Aaron
Weird thing of the day 20 June 2005/13 Siwan 5765 (Ice Cream Soda Day/Midsummer Night)
Greetings.
I’m feeling allergic, and that’s not going to make printing up business cards for my trip to Toronto next week any easier.
Political update: See the last few posts on Backspin to find out whose pants are on fire. And somebody remind me later to put a link to them in my sidebar.
Weird news update: Gas-guzzling SUV limos are the new “in” thing in certain circles. (Anyone interested in a social engineering project, please make fuel efficiency cool and get those abominations off the road.) Meanwhile, potato farmers in the UK have taken social engineering into their own hands and have protested to have the term “couch potato” removed from the Oxford English Dictionary, claiming it gives potatoes an undeserved reputation.
In honor of Ice Cream Soda Day, today’s weird thing is one of those silly things that is doomed to wander the Internet forever, included below. I got this version from Emily, but I’ve seen another one. Enjoy.
Aaron
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel... in the following
flavors:
Wailing Wal nut
Moish mellow
Mazel Toff ee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha.
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally (drum roll,please).........Simchas T'oreo.
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen
I’m feeling allergic, and that’s not going to make printing up business cards for my trip to Toronto next week any easier.
Political update: See the last few posts on Backspin to find out whose pants are on fire. And somebody remind me later to put a link to them in my sidebar.
Weird news update: Gas-guzzling SUV limos are the new “in” thing in certain circles. (Anyone interested in a social engineering project, please make fuel efficiency cool and get those abominations off the road.) Meanwhile, potato farmers in the UK have taken social engineering into their own hands and have protested to have the term “couch potato” removed from the Oxford English Dictionary, claiming it gives potatoes an undeserved reputation.
In honor of Ice Cream Soda Day, today’s weird thing is one of those silly things that is doomed to wander the Internet forever, included below. I got this version from Emily, but I’ve seen another one. Enjoy.
Aaron
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream is now available in Israel... in the following
flavors:
Wailing Wal nut
Moish mellow
Mazel Toff ee
Chazalnut
Oy Ge-malt
Mi Ka-mocha.
Soda & Gamorra
Bernard Malamint
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Choc-Eilat Chip
and finally (drum roll,please).........Simchas T'oreo.
It should also be noted that all these flavors come in a Cohen
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Weird thing of the day 19 June 2005/12 Siwan 5765 (Juneteenth/Father's Day)
Greetings.
Star Wars update: According to the article “Turn On, Tune In, Veg Out”, one of the major problems with Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith is that significant parts of the story (who is General Grievous, what’s wrong with Anakin Skywalker) have been left out. To get that missing information, one has to watch the animated series Clone Wars or read the corresponding novels. If a project to fix the problems in the prequel trilogy ever gets started, this is something that needs to be addressed.
Today’s weird thing is one of those stories that is floating around the Internet. Before I even finished reading it, I knew it deserved to be a weird thing of the day. It has been included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Subject: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
Remember the book -
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here is a true life
example from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor
assigned his students to a joint writing exercise that quickly
degraded - check it out...
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending
another copy to me. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on, back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of
the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the
e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY: (First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
chamomile was out of the question.
--------------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out
of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted
wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which
vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow
this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the
sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate
adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of <EXPLETIVE DELETED> TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
-------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
--------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
***************************************************************
(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
Star Wars update: According to the article “Turn On, Tune In, Veg Out”, one of the major problems with Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith is that significant parts of the story (who is General Grievous, what’s wrong with Anakin Skywalker) have been left out. To get that missing information, one has to watch the animated series Clone Wars or read the corresponding novels. If a project to fix the problems in the prequel trilogy ever gets started, this is something that needs to be addressed.
Today’s weird thing is one of those stories that is floating around the Internet. Before I even finished reading it, I knew it deserved to be a weird thing of the day. It has been included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Subject: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
Remember the book -
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here is a true life
example from the University of Phoenix. An English Professor
assigned his students to a joint writing exercise that quickly
degraded - check it out...
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a
short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send
another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and
then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending
another copy to me. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on, back and forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep
the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of
the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the
e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
----------------------------------------------------------------
THE STORY: (First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
chamomile was out of the question.
--------------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17", he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out
of his seat and across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted
wimpy peaceniks that pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which
vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow
this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the
sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate
adolescent.
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of <EXPLETIVE DELETED> TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
-------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
--------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary)
<EXPLETIVE DELETED>
***************************************************************
(TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Weird thing of the day 17 June 2005/10 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Today’s post is sponsored, though to my surprise Bobby Awesome did not do the legwork to get the ad.
The Legion for a Better Tomorrow through Promotion of the GOP’s Agenda (formerly the Legion of Doom) is offering generous rewards for information leading to public revelation of secret identities. If you can prove who certain people really are beyond a shadow of a doubt, you may become fabulously wealthy!
The Tick—Bounty: $10,000
Daredevil—Bounty: $100,000
The Flash—Bounty: $1,000,000
Spider-Man—Bounty: $5,000,000
Superman—Bounty: $10,000,000
Bobby Awesome—Bounty: $5
Thanks to Karl Rove, Batman has already been outed. Help us unmask the rest and make the world a better place! Call us at 1-888-LGN-DOOM.
Star Wars update: “'Star Wars' princess inspires royal name in Norway”. (I cannot make this up. It’s not my fault!)
Political updates:
Aaron
Today’s post is sponsored, though to my surprise Bobby Awesome did not do the legwork to get the ad.
The Tick—Bounty: $10,000
Daredevil—Bounty: $100,000
The Flash—Bounty: $1,000,000
Spider-Man—Bounty: $5,000,000
Superman—Bounty: $10,000,000
Bobby Awesome—Bounty: $5
Thanks to Karl Rove, Batman has already been outed. Help us unmask the rest and make the world a better place! Call us at 1-888-LGN-DOOM.
Star Wars update: “'Star Wars' princess inspires royal name in Norway”. (I cannot make this up. It’s not my fault!)
Political updates:
- Chinese justice system blooper: “'Butchered' waitress turns up alive?”
- Europe maintains contacts with Hamas, a known terrorist organization, and badly rationalizes it to Israel.
- The Bush administration is allowing companies to test the safety of pesticides by deliberately poison humans.
- AP is a serious contender for the Mismatched Headline Awards.
Aaron
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Weird thing of the day 16 June 2005/9 Siwan 5765 (Bloomsday/Fudge Day)
Greetings.
R2D2 finally got back to me. While he still hasn’t gotten around to translating his essay for me, he did direct me to THE STORY OF ANDY'S COMPUTER, in which he stars. However, this page was previously the weird thing of the day over a year ago.
For today’s weird thing, I’ve decided to continue the trend of silly things related to current movies and thus present for you Howstuffworks "How the Batsuit Works". (You’d have thought they’d retire victoriously after explaining lightsabers.) They also have an article on how secret superheroes’ secret identities really are, which shows an interesting extent people will go to in writing stuff. I’m still trying to figure out how superheroes who don’t cover their entire face are supposed to keep their identities secret; maybe they all wear plastic masks from Mission: Impossible...
Enjoy.
Aaron
R2D2 finally got back to me. While he still hasn’t gotten around to translating his essay for me, he did direct me to THE STORY OF ANDY'S COMPUTER, in which he stars. However, this page was previously the weird thing of the day over a year ago.
For today’s weird thing, I’ve decided to continue the trend of silly things related to current movies and thus present for you Howstuffworks "How the Batsuit Works". (You’d have thought they’d retire victoriously after explaining lightsabers.) They also have an article on how secret superheroes’ secret identities really are, which shows an interesting extent people will go to in writing stuff. I’m still trying to figure out how superheroes who don’t cover their entire face are supposed to keep their identities secret; maybe they all wear plastic masks from Mission: Impossible...
Enjoy.
Aaron
News update
Good evening.
Late-breaking news:
Sanhedhrin update: We have two articles titled הסנהדרין: הבג"צ פוגע שיטתית וזדונית בתורת ישראל, עם ישראל וא"י, one from June 9 and one from June 10. Both articles report that the proto-Sanhedhrin is displeased that the Israeli government is sticking its collective nose into religious matters, such as conversion, Shabbath, kashruth, and personal status; violating the human rights of Jews; and encouraging assimilation. Add this on to the proto-Sanhedhrin’s already noted opposition to disengagement. Intuition suggests that if Sharon is not kicked out of office or assassinated, he may be excommunicated.
Food update: Back when the Weird thing of the day was only a mailing list, I reported on an alleged spat between the Florida Tomato Committee and Santa Sweets over whether it was OK or not to export UglyRipe™ tomatoes from Florida. I finally have an update on that: apparently the alleged spat has been resolved, since UglyRipes can now be ordered on-line. I still haven’t tasted an UglyRipe, so if you order some and don’t like them, it’s your own fault you paid over $2 per tomato.
Political update: The number of refugees planetwide rose about a million last year. War, the chief cause of refugees, is doing a great job of causing famine, too, in Africa. All those who think the UN is going to intervene in Africa in any meaningful way, stand on your heads.
That's all for now. Nighty-night.
Aaron
Late-breaking news:
- Crawford, Texas (not AP) - A tragic fire this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The fire began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of his books have been lost.
A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one.
Sanhedhrin update: We have two articles titled הסנהדרין: הבג"צ פוגע שיטתית וזדונית בתורת ישראל, עם ישראל וא"י, one from June 9 and one from June 10. Both articles report that the proto-Sanhedhrin is displeased that the Israeli government is sticking its collective nose into religious matters, such as conversion, Shabbath, kashruth, and personal status; violating the human rights of Jews; and encouraging assimilation. Add this on to the proto-Sanhedhrin’s already noted opposition to disengagement. Intuition suggests that if Sharon is not kicked out of office or assassinated, he may be excommunicated.
Food update: Back when the Weird thing of the day was only a mailing list, I reported on an alleged spat between the Florida Tomato Committee and Santa Sweets over whether it was OK or not to export UglyRipe™ tomatoes from Florida. I finally have an update on that: apparently the alleged spat has been resolved, since UglyRipes can now be ordered on-line. I still haven’t tasted an UglyRipe, so if you order some and don’t like them, it’s your own fault you paid over $2 per tomato.
Political update: The number of refugees planetwide rose about a million last year. War, the chief cause of refugees, is doing a great job of causing famine, too, in Africa. All those who think the UN is going to intervene in Africa in any meaningful way, stand on your heads.
That's all for now. Nighty-night.
Aaron
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Weird thing of the day 15 June 2005/8 Siwan 5765
Greetings.
Right now I’m busy catching up with everything that has happened in the last two days.
Today’s weird thing is the article “No cure, no pay may be new model for selling drugs”. Enjoy, and thank God for some hope for more responsibility on the part of the drug companies.
Aaron
Right now I’m busy catching up with everything that has happened in the last two days.
Today’s weird thing is the article “No cure, no pay may be new model for selling drugs”. Enjoy, and thank God for some hope for more responsibility on the part of the drug companies.
Aaron
Sunday, June 12, 2005
Oh, before I forget...
I have to get this Star Wars update off my desktop: Princess Leia Organa has claimed that George Lucas has ruined her life. Enjoy.
Aaron
Aaron
Weird thing of the day 12 June 2005/5 Siwan 5765 (Day 49 of the `Omer/Magic Day)
Greetings.
Tomorrow is Shavu‘oth, the anniversary of the giving of the Torah, which means practically that we have a two-day gap in the blog. There is a custom to eat dairy products on Shavu‘oth, but oddly enough no one seems to have taken this to the logical conclusion of eating pizza, which is the pinnacle of dairy development and definitely better than blintzes. Go figure.
The Darwine Project has announced that WINE, which allows Windows programs to run under Linux, will work under Mac OS X for Intel machines. Thus it looks like my prediction that my next Mac will be able to run Windows programs is correct. That ought to scare the heebeejeebees out of Microsoft.
Today is Magic Day, and the nearest things I have to magic in my Weird thing of the day source folder are on Rubik’s Magic Cube, more specifically two Cube-related LEGO projects: 1) JP Brown's Serious LEGO - CubeSolver, and Maarten Steurbaut - Rubik's magic Cube. Enjoy, and hagh sameah.
Aaron
Tomorrow is Shavu‘oth, the anniversary of the giving of the Torah, which means practically that we have a two-day gap in the blog. There is a custom to eat dairy products on Shavu‘oth, but oddly enough no one seems to have taken this to the logical conclusion of eating pizza, which is the pinnacle of dairy development and definitely better than blintzes. Go figure.
The Darwine Project has announced that WINE, which allows Windows programs to run under Linux, will work under Mac OS X for Intel machines. Thus it looks like my prediction that my next Mac will be able to run Windows programs is correct. That ought to scare the heebeejeebees out of Microsoft.
Today is Magic Day, and the nearest things I have to magic in my Weird thing of the day source folder are on Rubik’s Magic Cube, more specifically two Cube-related LEGO projects: 1) JP Brown's Serious LEGO - CubeSolver, and Maarten Steurbaut - Rubik's magic Cube. Enjoy, and hagh sameah.
Aaron
Friday, June 10, 2005
Weird thing of the day 10 June 2005/3 Siwan 5765 (Day 47 of the `Omer/National Yo-Yo Day)
Greetings.
The slides for my presentation for Toronto at the end of the month are coming along, and I’ve found out that the Hebrew word for “parallelogram” is מַקְבִּילִית (maqbilith).
I could not make up today’s weird thing: “Nerds make better lovers”. This is good news for the human race, since if the trend continues people will tend to get smarter and less shallow over the generations.
And now for some shameless self-promotion: Naturally, this is also good news for me, your bookworm/computer geek blog-writer, since it means I will have good prospects when I get out of Charleston (God willing). Eligible bachelorettes reading this may want to check out my profile on Frumster. I have had thoughts lately about migrating pages from my old Web-site to this blog, and I am going to take this opportunity to start with the page with information about me specifically, which contains a lot of the same sort of stuff as in my Frumster profile and more; if all goes well, it should show up in the sidebar soon.
Enjoy or be scared or something, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
The slides for my presentation for Toronto at the end of the month are coming along, and I’ve found out that the Hebrew word for “parallelogram” is מַקְבִּילִית (maqbilith).
I could not make up today’s weird thing: “Nerds make better lovers”. This is good news for the human race, since if the trend continues people will tend to get smarter and less shallow over the generations.
And now for some shameless self-promotion: Naturally, this is also good news for me, your bookworm/computer geek blog-writer, since it means I will have good prospects when I get out of Charleston (God willing). Eligible bachelorettes reading this may want to check out my profile on Frumster. I have had thoughts lately about migrating pages from my old Web-site to this blog, and I am going to take this opportunity to start with the page with information about me specifically, which contains a lot of the same sort of stuff as in my Frumster profile and more; if all goes well, it should show up in the sidebar soon.
Enjoy or be scared or something, and Shabbath shalom.
Aaron
Worthy cause of the day and other politics
Greetings.
MoveOn PAC has another petition for us: Tell the Truth About Iraq. The aim of the petition is to demand from Bush that he stop sticking his head in the sand over the “Downing Street Memo”, which shows he knowingly fabricated intelligence in order to have a reason to go to war with Iraq. If you have not signed the petition I mentioned yesterday, please sign either and send the message to our illegitimate president that ignoring bad things does not make them go away.
Other political stuff: The US has a really hypocritical policy that any Cuban refugees who reach our shores get to stay, but if they’re intercepted at sea, they get sent back. (Is Cuba a place one can morally send people or not?) The Security Department is not backing up its data, thereby risking devastating data loss. And in Israel, less than half of the populace supports disengagement in Gaza. This puts him a further step into the political danger zone since he now has 1) a minority government, 2) much of his own party against him, and 3) support from only a minority of the country. I’m surprised he hasn’t been toppled by a vote of no-confidence or assassinated already. Since he still seems determined to go ahead with the withdrawal despite his dwindling political support, one of these may yet come to pass.
Aaron
MoveOn PAC has another petition for us: Tell the Truth About Iraq. The aim of the petition is to demand from Bush that he stop sticking his head in the sand over the “Downing Street Memo”, which shows he knowingly fabricated intelligence in order to have a reason to go to war with Iraq. If you have not signed the petition I mentioned yesterday, please sign either and send the message to our illegitimate president that ignoring bad things does not make them go away.
Other political stuff: The US has a really hypocritical policy that any Cuban refugees who reach our shores get to stay, but if they’re intercepted at sea, they get sent back. (Is Cuba a place one can morally send people or not?) The Security Department is not backing up its data, thereby risking devastating data loss. And in Israel, less than half of the populace supports disengagement in Gaza. This puts him a further step into the political danger zone since he now has 1) a minority government, 2) much of his own party against him, and 3) support from only a minority of the country. I’m surprised he hasn’t been toppled by a vote of no-confidence or assassinated already. Since he still seems determined to go ahead with the withdrawal despite his dwindling political support, one of these may yet come to pass.
Aaron
Thursday, June 9, 2005
Weird thing of the day 9 June 2005/2 Siwan 5765 (Day 46 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Sanhedhrin update: הסנהדרין: להכין תוכנית לבנין המקדש. Nothing new here; just another article about how the proto-Sanhedhrin wants to prepare for rebuilding the Temple.
For some reason, I find myself wishing to know what Hebrew for “parallelogram” is, but I haven’t been able to find a translation yet.
Today’s weird thing is a hacked PowerMacintosh G3 with a Pentium 4 inside the case.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Sanhedhrin update: הסנהדרין: להכין תוכנית לבנין המקדש. Nothing new here; just another article about how the proto-Sanhedhrin wants to prepare for rebuilding the Temple.
For some reason, I find myself wishing to know what Hebrew for “parallelogram” is, but I haven’t been able to find a translation yet.
Today’s weird thing is a hacked PowerMacintosh G3 with a Pentium 4 inside the case.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
Weird thing of the day 8 June 2005/1 Siwan 5765 (Day 45 of the `Omer/Ro'sh Hodhesh/National Taco Day)
Greetings.
Political update: There have been a lot of noteworthy articles on Backspin lately. Needless to say, the Stateless Arabs (“Palestinians”) are making a mockery of the notion that there is a truce between them and Israel.
Worthy cause of the day: John Conyers, Jr. -- Letter to Pres Bush Concerning the "Downing Street Minutes". It’s a petition demanding that George W. Bush clarify the accuracy of a British government document indicating that Bush and Blair were planning to go to war with Iraq no matter what and make up intelligence to justify doing so. Please sign and put the heat on our illegitimate president. Thank you.
I’m resisting the temptation to create an icon of Steve Jobs’s head on a silver platter. However, I expect that the next Mac I buy (probably in a year or two) have Wine pre-installed and run Windows programs as-is. If Mac OS X is moving to Intel hardware, Apple might as well erase any alleged advantage there might be for ever booting into Windows and scare the heebeejeebees out of Microsoft. Running 80x86 Linux binaries as-is, too, would also be cool and is definitely feasible.
Today’s weird thing are still Intel-related. 1) We have the tagline “I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.” 2) We have Weird Al Yankovic’s song “It's All About the Pentiums”. Enjoy.
Aaron
Political update: There have been a lot of noteworthy articles on Backspin lately. Needless to say, the Stateless Arabs (“Palestinians”) are making a mockery of the notion that there is a truce between them and Israel.
Worthy cause of the day: John Conyers, Jr. -- Letter to Pres Bush Concerning the "Downing Street Minutes". It’s a petition demanding that George W. Bush clarify the accuracy of a British government document indicating that Bush and Blair were planning to go to war with Iraq no matter what and make up intelligence to justify doing so. Please sign and put the heat on our illegitimate president. Thank you.
I’m resisting the temptation to create an icon of Steve Jobs’s head on a silver platter. However, I expect that the next Mac I buy (probably in a year or two) have Wine pre-installed and run Windows programs as-is. If Mac OS X is moving to Intel hardware, Apple might as well erase any alleged advantage there might be for ever booting into Windows and scare the heebeejeebees out of Microsoft. Running 80x86 Linux binaries as-is, too, would also be cool and is definitely feasible.
Today’s weird thing are still Intel-related. 1) We have the tagline “I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.” 2) We have Weird Al Yankovic’s song “It's All About the Pentiums”. Enjoy.
Aaron
Tuesday, June 7, 2005
Weird thing of the day 7 June 2005/29 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 44 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Religion news: “New Tech Protects Ancient Torahs”.
Weird sports news: “Semifinalists Named in Desert Robot Race”.
As mentioned yesterday, Apple Computer has decided to switch to Intel microprocessors. In derision of this bad decision, today’s weird things will downright poke fun at overly hot, faulty chips which happen to be backwards compatible with a 4-bit calculator. This is probably more functional than my initial thoughts on the subject, which involved sending an angry mob after Steve Jobs. 1) “Cyrix Hotplate Howto” tells you how to turn seven such CPUs into a functional hot-plate. 2) I have dug up a classic set of jokes about the most derided Intel chip, the Pentium, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Religion news: “New Tech Protects Ancient Torahs”.
Weird sports news: “Semifinalists Named in Desert Robot Race”.
As mentioned yesterday, Apple Computer has decided to switch to Intel microprocessors. In derision of this bad decision, today’s weird things will downright poke fun at overly hot, faulty chips which happen to be backwards compatible with a 4-bit calculator. This is probably more functional than my initial thoughts on the subject, which involved sending an angry mob after Steve Jobs. 1) “Cyrix Hotplate Howto” tells you how to turn seven such CPUs into a functional hot-plate. 2) I have dug up a classic set of jokes about the most derided Intel chip, the Pentium, included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-
technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a
research grant?
A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker
they put on Pentiums?
A: The warning label.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a
Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.
Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to
Subtract as Multiply
is to:
1) Divide
2) ROUND
3) RANDOM
4) On a Pentium, all of the above
A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's
floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump
of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium
and got 585.999983605.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE
standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If
you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the
correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
-----------------------------------------
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As
Well
4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating*
Point?
1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
Sanhedhrin update
Good evening.
I found three articles today on the proto-Sanhedhrin. הסנהדרין תקים ועדת פוסקים ואדריכלים להכנת תוכנית לבניית המקדש and דובר הסנהדרין: ההחלטה על כינון הוועדה היא מתנה ליום ירושלים report that the proto-Sanhedhrin is forming a committee to prepare for building the next Temple. (This is something the State of Israel should have done the moment the Temple Mount was back in Jewish hands.) “Rabbi Adin Even-Israel Steinsaltz Elected to Head Sanhedrin” reports that the proto-Sanhedhrin has not only elected a nasi’ (literally “prince”, in this case the leader), but a total of seven rabbis who will act as spokesmen.
Aaron
I found three articles today on the proto-Sanhedhrin. הסנהדרין תקים ועדת פוסקים ואדריכלים להכנת תוכנית לבניית המקדש and דובר הסנהדרין: ההחלטה על כינון הוועדה היא מתנה ליום ירושלים report that the proto-Sanhedhrin is forming a committee to prepare for building the next Temple. (This is something the State of Israel should have done the moment the Temple Mount was back in Jewish hands.) “Rabbi Adin Even-Israel Steinsaltz Elected to Head Sanhedrin” reports that the proto-Sanhedhrin has not only elected a nasi’ (literally “prince”, in this case the leader), but a total of seven rabbis who will act as spokesmen.
Aaron
Monday, June 6, 2005
Weird news update
Greetings.
I’m feeling seriously weirded out right about now. I just found out less than half an hour ago that Apple is now planning on transitioning Macintoshes to Intel chips. Needless to say, lots of people are furious, if for no other reason than Intel chips are junk. (Anyone else remember that the early Pentium chips could not do floating-point arithmetic properly? I’ve done assembly language programming for 80x86, and believe me, the architecture only makes sense when you realize it was designed to be backwards-compatible with a 4-bit chip meant for use in calculators.) What effect this will have on the future of the platform is a big question. To me this whole thing sounds like an April Fool’s Day joke about two months late.
Political update (because I feel like it): Apparently the US recently spied on Israel. (Pollard allegedly spying for Israel on the US is practically an unforgivable crime, but the US spying on Israel is OK?) The French newspaper Le Monde has been found guilty of propagating anti-Semitism and has been forced to apologize publicly. The ruling is unprecedented, but the media has decided to ignore it for some reason. (Shared guilt?) And finally, today, without provocation, Arabs stoned Jews visiting the Temple Mount. Abbas blamed Israel; apparently he is under the false impression that Muslims own the Temple Mount and that anyone else who does anything that can even slightly be interpreted as contradicting this view is worthy of death. All those who believe that the alleged truce there is now means anything, stand on your head. I feel reinforced in my view that 1) the Temple Mount should be repossessed by the State of Israel and the Temple rebuilt as soon as possible, thereby putting a major dent in Muslim successionism and making a real peace more plausible and 2) that for there to be any peace treaty with the Stateless Arabs (“Palestinians”), who have broken every treaty they have made, Israel should accept nothing less than unconditional surrender and total disarmament before lightening up on them even in the slightest.
Aaron
I’m feeling seriously weirded out right about now. I just found out less than half an hour ago that Apple is now planning on transitioning Macintoshes to Intel chips. Needless to say, lots of people are furious, if for no other reason than Intel chips are junk. (Anyone else remember that the early Pentium chips could not do floating-point arithmetic properly? I’ve done assembly language programming for 80x86, and believe me, the architecture only makes sense when you realize it was designed to be backwards-compatible with a 4-bit chip meant for use in calculators.) What effect this will have on the future of the platform is a big question. To me this whole thing sounds like an April Fool’s Day joke about two months late.
Political update (because I feel like it): Apparently the US recently spied on Israel. (Pollard allegedly spying for Israel on the US is practically an unforgivable crime, but the US spying on Israel is OK?) The French newspaper Le Monde has been found guilty of propagating anti-Semitism and has been forced to apologize publicly. The ruling is unprecedented, but the media has decided to ignore it for some reason. (Shared guilt?) And finally, today, without provocation, Arabs stoned Jews visiting the Temple Mount. Abbas blamed Israel; apparently he is under the false impression that Muslims own the Temple Mount and that anyone else who does anything that can even slightly be interpreted as contradicting this view is worthy of death. All those who believe that the alleged truce there is now means anything, stand on your head. I feel reinforced in my view that 1) the Temple Mount should be repossessed by the State of Israel and the Temple rebuilt as soon as possible, thereby putting a major dent in Muslim successionism and making a real peace more plausible and 2) that for there to be any peace treaty with the Stateless Arabs (“Palestinians”), who have broken every treaty they have made, Israel should accept nothing less than unconditional surrender and total disarmament before lightening up on them even in the slightest.
Aaron
Weird thing of the day 6 June 2005/28 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 43 of the `Omer/Teacher's Day)
Greetings.
Bobby Awesome has found me another advertiser. Today’s weird thing is being sponsored by
WORF’S FITNESS PLAN
Use proven Klingon methods to get into shape! Bat'leth training, targ-hunting, and all the qagh you can eat!
IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIET!
http://www.eatqagh.com
Today is Teacher’s Day, and in recognition of that today’s weird thing is a teacher-related story, included below, from Emily’s collection. Enjoy.
Aaron
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pick-up when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
The teacher asked. "And what's the moral of the story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks, and the moral to the story is, "don't count your chickens until they've hatched."
That was a fine story, Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to tell?
Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete! She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
Bobby Awesome has found me another advertiser. Today’s weird thing is being sponsored by
Use proven Klingon methods to get into shape! Bat'leth training, targ-hunting, and all the qagh you can eat!
IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIET!
http://www.eatqagh.com
Today is Teacher’s Day, and in recognition of that today’s weird thing is a teacher-related story, included below, from Emily’s collection. Enjoy.
Aaron
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pick-up when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
The teacher asked. "And what's the moral of the story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time but when they hatched we only had ten live chicks, and the moral to the story is, "don't count your chickens until they've hatched."
That was a fine story, Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to tell?
Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete! She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."
Sunday, June 5, 2005
Weird thing of the day 5 June 2005/27 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 42 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m feeling rather blah.
Political update: There are Gazan Stateless Arabs (“Palestinians”) who don’t want Israel to pull out of Gaza.
Weird sports news: “'Pig-Ball' Soccer Match Staged in Russia”.
I thought I was done with Star Wars stuff for a while, but then the nice man in the dark suit and holding a lightsaber insisted I make Science Fiction Case Mod Contest: The First Winner! today’s weird thing. Enjoy.
Aaron
I didn’t sleep well last night, and I’m feeling rather blah.
Political update: There are Gazan Stateless Arabs (“Palestinians”) who don’t want Israel to pull out of Gaza.
Weird sports news: “'Pig-Ball' Soccer Match Staged in Russia”.
I thought I was done with Star Wars stuff for a while, but then the nice man in the dark suit and holding a lightsaber insisted I make Science Fiction Case Mod Contest: The First Winner! today’s weird thing. Enjoy.
Aaron
Friday, June 3, 2005
Weird thing of the day 3 June 2005/25 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 40 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Weird botanical news: A titan arum may bloom soon!
A nice tall man in a dark suit with a lightsaber has suggested to me that I finish off my Star Wars-related weird things of the day with the blog The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster. Enjoy.
Aaron
Weird botanical news: A titan arum may bloom soon!
A nice tall man in a dark suit with a lightsaber has suggested to me that I finish off my Star Wars-related weird things of the day with the blog The Darth Side: Memoirs of a Monster. Enjoy.
Aaron
Thursday, June 2, 2005
Weird thing of the day 2 June 2005/24 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 39 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Political update: There is some interesting discussion in “Can the rich, famous save Social Security?”
Back onto the Star Wars theme. Today’s weird things are Star Wars songs. Weird Al Yankovic has two: “The Saga Begins” and “Yoda”. In the process of looking these up, I found out about another, “Living La Vida Yoda”. Sorry I don’t have links to actual recorded music, just lyrics. Enjoy.
Aaron
Political update: There is some interesting discussion in “Can the rich, famous save Social Security?”
Back onto the Star Wars theme. Today’s weird things are Star Wars songs. Weird Al Yankovic has two: “The Saga Begins” and “Yoda”. In the process of looking these up, I found out about another, “Living La Vida Yoda”. Sorry I don’t have links to actual recorded music, just lyrics. Enjoy.
Aaron
Wednesday, June 1, 2005
I’M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!!!, ROUND TWO
Greetings.
My first epidemiology paper, which is essentially specific aim 1 of my doctoral dissertation, has been published by the British Journal of Cancer. It has been available on-line since May 10, and now it has received a full reference, indicating it is now published on paper:
Adelman, A.S., McLaughlin, C.C., Wu, X.C., Chen, V.W. & Groves, F.D. (2005). Urbanisation and incidence of acute lymphocytic leukaemia among United States children aged 0-4. Br J Cancer, 92, 2084-2088.
For those of you with proper access through an academic institution, the URL to the paper is http://www.nature.com/bjc/journal/v92/n11/pdf/6602607a.pdf.
Aaron
My first epidemiology paper, which is essentially specific aim 1 of my doctoral dissertation, has been published by the British Journal of Cancer. It has been available on-line since May 10, and now it has received a full reference, indicating it is now published on paper:
Adelman, A.S., McLaughlin, C.C., Wu, X.C., Chen, V.W. & Groves, F.D. (2005). Urbanisation and incidence of acute lymphocytic leukaemia among United States children aged 0-4. Br J Cancer, 92, 2084-2088.
For those of you with proper access through an academic institution, the URL to the paper is http://www.nature.com/bjc/journal/v92/n11/pdf/6602607a.pdf.
Aaron
Weird thing of the day 1 June 2005/23 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 38 of the `Omer/Doughnut Day)
Greetings.
Mac OS X 10.4.1 commentary: Man, the Finder still sucks. It’s way too easy to get a rainbow pizza cursor for no apparent reason. There is also no apparent way to back out of a search in progress. If someone knows of a good, preferably free/open source, Finder substitute, please let me know. (And I just know Junior Crabtree is going to be sarcastic enough to suggest using the Terminal for everything, so don’t go there, please.)
Desktop-cleaning update: Yes, this had to happen sooner or later, but I'm keeping it short by choosing two articles which I deem sufficiently weird. “Saudi Columnist: We Must Discuss Why We Hate the Jews” expresses bafflement at Muslim anti-Semitism, noting contrary historical behavior all the way back to Muhammad. “What Arabs Really Think” reports on a survey which claims the Arab street’s opinions of what is wrong with their society do not conform with government propaganda.
Since today is Doughnut Day, I am breaking away from out recent Star Wars theme and presenting the somewhat relevant “NEVER SAY TO A COP...” instead as today’s weird thing. You can find it included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
NEVER SAY TO A COP...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Mac OS X 10.4.1 commentary: Man, the Finder still sucks. It’s way too easy to get a rainbow pizza cursor for no apparent reason. There is also no apparent way to back out of a search in progress. If someone knows of a good, preferably free/open source, Finder substitute, please let me know. (And I just know Junior Crabtree is going to be sarcastic enough to suggest using the Terminal for everything, so don’t go there, please.)
Desktop-cleaning update: Yes, this had to happen sooner or later, but I'm keeping it short by choosing two articles which I deem sufficiently weird. “Saudi Columnist: We Must Discuss Why We Hate the Jews” expresses bafflement at Muslim anti-Semitism, noting contrary historical behavior all the way back to Muhammad. “What Arabs Really Think” reports on a survey which claims the Arab street’s opinions of what is wrong with their society do not conform with government propaganda.
Since today is Doughnut Day, I am breaking away from out recent Star Wars theme and presenting the somewhat relevant “NEVER SAY TO A COP...” instead as today’s weird thing. You can find it included below. Enjoy.
Aaron
NEVER SAY TO A COP...
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer, your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Weird thing of the day 31 May 2005/22 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 37 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Science-fiction update: Run for your lives! Rick Berman is thinking about doing another Star Trek movie!
Bobby Awesome, if you will remember, is hard at work at finding a way to increase my income. He has finally given me his first suggestion, namely to charge for posting advertising on my blog. He even found the first ad, which will follow today’s weird thing. I am not sure I want to do this regularly, but I figure it’s worth a try.
Today’s weird thing is “Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe”, which is included below. (Yes, I am trying to go through all the weird Star Wars material on my hard drive.) Enjoy.
Aaron
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impluse power --- Han Solo floors it.
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Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in the study of the Force (light or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant coursework in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.
Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license for all classes of ships, and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable as is the ability to speak several galactic languages.
Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.) Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for the field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance.
The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the Master’s plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.
Applications will be accepted through the end of August. Transmit them holographically to Jobs@darkside.com.
(Dark Side CG™ is a small and highly-focused organization founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations though knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise.)
Science-fiction update: Run for your lives! Rick Berman is thinking about doing another Star Trek movie!
Bobby Awesome, if you will remember, is hard at work at finding a way to increase my income. He has finally given me his first suggestion, namely to charge for posting advertising on my blog. He even found the first ad, which will follow today’s weird thing. I am not sure I want to do this regularly, but I figure it’s worth a try.
Today’s weird thing is “Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe”, which is included below. (Yes, I am trying to go through all the weird Star Wars material on my hard drive.) Enjoy.
Aaron
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE
10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".
9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
7) One word: Lightsabers.
6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I".
1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter
impluse power --- Han Solo floors it.
PAID ADVERTISEMENT:
Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group
An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would enjoy galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of and competence in the Force or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties included:
Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master’s planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehivles. Some slaying of the enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed by using the Force or hand weapons.
Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in the study of the Force (light or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant coursework in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.
Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot’s license for all classes of ships, and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable as is the ability to speak several galactic languages.
Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.) Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for the field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance.
The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the Master’s plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens.
Applications will be accepted through the end of August. Transmit them holographically to Jobs@darkside.com.
(Dark Side CG™ is a small and highly-focused organization founded a long time ago. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations though knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise.)
Weird thing of the day 30 May 2005/21 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 36 of the `Omer/Memorial Day)
Greetings.
Yesterday I found out there were two cats in our shed, looked like kittens. Weird things happen to everybody, it seems. We have not decided what if anything to do about them yet. We very well may not have to do anything; I checked a few minutes ago, and they had left.
I celebrated(?) Memorial Day today by going to see Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith. I have to note that Emperor Palpatine (who wrote a review for this blog) was substantially right. The story was salvageable, even though a lot of the dialog needs to be rewritten from scratch, especially the material of a romantic nature. I am not certain that Palpatine’s proposed ending is the best possible one given the parameters for this movie, though I will not publicly reveal an alternate idea I have for the moment.
Today’s weird thing is my inspiration of what to do about the botching of the Star Wars prequel trilogy: The Phantom Edit. Many were disappointed with the quality of Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace, but one person did something about it, namely edit a copy of the movie to remove some of the flaws, hence the nickname of this illicitly distributed version, The Phantom Edit. (Note that the link I gave was just to a description of it, not the actual movie footage.)
Now for what to do about Star Wars: The Phantom Edit is suboptimal because while the Phantom Editor could remove offensive material (much of it having to do with the much-detested Jar Jar Binks) or rearrange pre-existing material, he could not create material from scratch (at least not material that would technically be up to Lucas quality). However, that limitation will virtually certainly be removed eventually. Computing power continues to decrease in cost, and the quality of computer animation continues to increase. Sooner or later it will be possible to animate scenes indistinguishable from live action, which will make possible something like The Phantom Edit, only with the ability to create new material. Since Star Wars will inevitably enter the public domain, I propose that in the meantime the fan community prepare by rewriting the scripts of the prequel trilogy up to a higher standard. When it becomes legal, it ought to be feasible for the fans to release edited versions which fully fix all the flaws of the originals.
In the meantime, get writing, Star Wars fans. It may well be a century before this project comes to fruition, but during that time there will be plenty of time to fine-tune every minor detail to perfection.
Aaron
Yesterday I found out there were two cats in our shed, looked like kittens. Weird things happen to everybody, it seems. We have not decided what if anything to do about them yet. We very well may not have to do anything; I checked a few minutes ago, and they had left.
I celebrated(?) Memorial Day today by going to see Star Wars: Episode III—Revenge of the Sith. I have to note that Emperor Palpatine (who wrote a review for this blog) was substantially right. The story was salvageable, even though a lot of the dialog needs to be rewritten from scratch, especially the material of a romantic nature. I am not certain that Palpatine’s proposed ending is the best possible one given the parameters for this movie, though I will not publicly reveal an alternate idea I have for the moment.
Today’s weird thing is my inspiration of what to do about the botching of the Star Wars prequel trilogy: The Phantom Edit. Many were disappointed with the quality of Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace, but one person did something about it, namely edit a copy of the movie to remove some of the flaws, hence the nickname of this illicitly distributed version, The Phantom Edit. (Note that the link I gave was just to a description of it, not the actual movie footage.)
Now for what to do about Star Wars: The Phantom Edit is suboptimal because while the Phantom Editor could remove offensive material (much of it having to do with the much-detested Jar Jar Binks) or rearrange pre-existing material, he could not create material from scratch (at least not material that would technically be up to Lucas quality). However, that limitation will virtually certainly be removed eventually. Computing power continues to decrease in cost, and the quality of computer animation continues to increase. Sooner or later it will be possible to animate scenes indistinguishable from live action, which will make possible something like The Phantom Edit, only with the ability to create new material. Since Star Wars will inevitably enter the public domain, I propose that in the meantime the fan community prepare by rewriting the scripts of the prequel trilogy up to a higher standard. When it becomes legal, it ought to be feasible for the fans to release edited versions which fully fix all the flaws of the originals.
In the meantime, get writing, Star Wars fans. It may well be a century before this project comes to fruition, but during that time there will be plenty of time to fine-tune every minor detail to perfection.
Aaron
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Weird thing of the day 29 May 2005/20 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 35 of the `Omer/End Of The Middle Ages Day/Ascension of Baha'u'llah)
Greetings.
Today’s weird thing is the article “New fuel cell opens way for artificial hearts”, and it’s about making fuel cells run on blood. I cannot make stuff like this up. Enjoy (or be freaked out).
Aaron
Today’s weird thing is the article “New fuel cell opens way for artificial hearts”, and it’s about making fuel cells run on blood. I cannot make stuff like this up. Enjoy (or be freaked out).
Aaron
Friday, May 27, 2005
Weird thing of the day 27 May 2005/18 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 33 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Today is the 33rd day of the ‘Omer (LaGh ba‘Omer), which celebrates the end of the period during which most of R. ‘Aqiva’’s students died and the anniversary of the death of R. Shim‘on ben Yoha’y. For some reason, this has ended up as a day of picnics and bonfires.
I’ve got a whole bunch of weird political stuff on my desktop, which is the closest I’m getting to a bonfire, so those will be today’s weird things.
Aaron
Today is the 33rd day of the ‘Omer (LaGh ba‘Omer), which celebrates the end of the period during which most of R. ‘Aqiva’’s students died and the anniversary of the death of R. Shim‘on ben Yoha’y. For some reason, this has ended up as a day of picnics and bonfires.
I’ve got a whole bunch of weird political stuff on my desktop, which is the closest I’m getting to a bonfire, so those will be today’s weird things.
- “Man Arrested for Wearing Grinch Mask” (I cannot make stuff like this up.)
- “Judge's ruling fuels DeLay's ethics woes” (Can’t they just impeach DeLay and get it over with?)
- “Thai anti-corruption commission corrupt: court” (No commentary necessary.)
- “US rabbi talks peace in Syria - publicly” (I cannot make stuff like this up either.)
- “Intel CEO Extols Patience; Yahoo Stresses Personalization; Bloggers Take Center Stage”, in which the interesting part is the paragraph:
Pressed about security by Mr. Mossberg, Mr. Otellini [CEO of Intel Corp.] had a startling confession: He spends an hour a weekend removing spyware from his daughter's computer. And when further pressed about whether a mainstream computer user in search of immediate safety from security woes ought to buy Apple Computer Inc.'s Macintosh instead of a Wintel PC, he said, "If you want to fix it tomorrow, maybe you should buy something else."
Translation: Even Intel’s CEO admits that the Windows/Intel computers used by too many people are insecure.
Aaron
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Weird thing of the day 26 May 2005/17 'Iyyar 5765 (Day 32 of the `Omer)
Greetings.
Be scared. It seems George Lucas is thinking about creating a prequel to Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace. If Episodes I and II are any indication, he’d be better off working on special editions of the prequel trilogy in order to fix the blatant flaws, such as terrible dialog.
In honor(?) of this tragic news, we have three weird things for you today: 1) The Star Wars Rain Lightsaber, 2) Star Wars Designer Edition, and 3) Darth Vader’s commencement address, which is included below. You may also want to recall one of our previous, pre-blog weird things of the day: Darth Tater.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...
Embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, nevermind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son.
Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies.
Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.
Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.
Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor.
Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt.
Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.
But trust me about the Dark Side.
Be scared. It seems George Lucas is thinking about creating a prequel to Star Wars: Episode I—The Phantom Menace. If Episodes I and II are any indication, he’d be better off working on special editions of the prequel trilogy in order to fix the blatant flaws, such as terrible dialog.
In honor(?) of this tragic news, we have three weird things for you today: 1) The Star Wars Rain Lightsaber, 2) Star Wars Designer Edition, and 3) Darth Vader’s commencement address, which is included below. You may also want to recall one of our previous, pre-blog weird things of the day: Darth Tater.
Enjoy.
Aaron
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Vassar College class of '99...
Embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, The Dark Side would be it. The long-term benefits of The Dark Side have been proved by the Dark Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests.
I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet. Oh, nevermind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of your planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to find the Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your twisted mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of a barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your idiot son.
Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old light saber, but change your costume slightly with every sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side. The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for their victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll become a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be your arch enemies.
Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot.
Live on Tattooine once, but leave before you get heat stroke.
Travel. Preferably in your own custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed, the Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor.
Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you. Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but you'll never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning to the Light Side and saving his sorry butt.
Don't strike down your old Jedi Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it, or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off, putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more than its worth.
But trust me about the Dark Side.
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